you got to have faith.....

Alright,

sorry not been here in a while, not had much to report on just usual shit...money, no weed, bad moods etc etc a few goals have been set and some improvements to be made....

To start off, i went to see the psychiatrist, he has upped my duloxetine to 180mg and escitalopram to 20mg. We are going to see if it makes an improvement....i’m hoping that it does, i’m sick of being depressed. I’m still take 200mg lamotragine and 1mg of trifluperazine and have been told i m allowed a months supply of zopiclone instead of the 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off. If no marked improvement then he will see me again and we will try something else, he also wanted me to see psychotherapy before he decided if i needed additional drugs for my weird meta brain thing.....it needs to get a proper diagnosis before he feels he can treat it.
So things are hopefully going to get better with the increase, they also increased dale’s....his mood really needs improving...its getting ridiculous.

Everyone keeps going on about ‘its been shit this year, 2011 will be different’, now i’m not usually so pessimistic but i’ve thought that for the last 10 years of my life and its not got any better, there have been years when the shit stream doesn’t run full pelt but every year is a drag and shit happens. Nothing is going to change unless you make the change.

2011, however i hope will be significant in my life choices.

we start the year off with a banding appointment in sunderland on the 11th, this is hopefully when i will be told i can have a operation date, fingers crossed. Then it will be preparing for that MASSIVE life change. it wont be just physical that will change but my whole perspective will eventually be changed. i wont have the fat person who holds all the misery about myself will be going. I will be free of the worry of death due to fatness and i will be able to exercise and be normal!

I have decided also that by the end of 2011 i will be completely addiction free, apart from my prescribed meds. I have already not just cut in half but reduced to 5 tailor mades a day and 10 single skin joints! i was smoking 20 - 30 tailor mades a day plus the 10 joints!!! thats a massive cut down and im also on kingsize lights and was smoking full fat superkings!
I will have given up caffeine or at least reduced it. my tea intake has increased massively since giving up fags lol
I will make an effort to smoke less weed, i don’t know about cutting it out completely but will be switching to a pipe when i give up tobacco completely.
i want to stop taking drugs to ‘escape’. I want to be able to do something constructive and that will equally please me.....this may take some time.....i love drugs and how they make me feel but alas im getting old and i think a switch to being completely teetotal MAY be the way to go....don’t hold me on that though ;)
I will be visiting temple at least once a month, if anyone in the area is interested in coming with me, seriously....then please get in contact.
i will be COMPLETELY VEGETARIAN. I would say i am now but i love chicken.....only thing i do eat and very rarely. Buddha ate meat but only if the animal had not been slaughtered for just his meal.
i will make more enquiries about going to india and staying in a ashram, again if anyone is interested in this also please let me know as i would love to go with a friend.
to be more productive spiritually, taking my path a bit more seriously. I have decided i will have 2 meditation breaks a day for half hour at a time, one silent or with guided meditations and the 2nd will be chanting. This i think will help clear my mind and keep myself centred.

So much to do! I make no promises but i will try, all i can do is try.

i’m a bit up and down at the moment. Keep wanting to cry. I feel very isolated and alone. I wish people would come visit me :( no one bothers ever......suppose my fault for not having local friends...everyone’s at least 20 miles away....

I feel like i am trapped by not my own depression but Dale’s. His depression seems to get worse all the time. Nothing i do makes him smile, nothing i can possibly offer can help....i’ve run out of options. I am quite literally at my wits end. I want him to be happy, perhaps being happy would mean without me but he says not.....i feel like not only is he pushing me away but because of him i am pushing my friends away. I make excuses so we don’t mix with people, theres few friends he actually wants to be around, 3 people out of all our friends, sorry MY friends. He’s a massive knobhead and thinks that his choices don’t effect my life but they do dramatically. I don’t trust him to be alone, he’s a self harmer and also there has been an ‘incident’ a while ago that led to me being very disappointed and upset. So going alone isn’t really an option most of the time. So to please him, i don’t get to see anyone. when a trip to Penrith turns into a tenner fuel its a huge expense to go out.

ohhhhhh ffs, i didn’t want this to turn into a rant about him.....

Right well, there’s an update, hope it made a little sense!

Happy New Year! xx

What's going on?

What's going on you say? Honestly nothing to write home about....well i don't know actually this may get interesting....hold on.....

Let's talk about the state of my head.....I've been depressed for weeks, not severe, well in places its been severe but just a general everything is complete shit depression...Dale's the same apart from his depression has lasted for months :( Now you may think well perhaps its being together that makes you depressed, what's the point? Well weirdly me and dale are getting along better than we have done for some time, so its not that....
I only seem to be happy when im stoned, that's terrible but it eases off the crap in my life, Makes me feel better, more creative, more happy. Why stop? would you?
I'm doing more shoots than ever, ive got bookings for next year already, sadly only a couple of actual paid shoots, but more for the portfolio! Working hard at perfecting my style, been a few balls up's but getting there....
My family are pretty much silent apart from my sister. That's shit..I'm forgotten about most of the time.
Friendships have been ended, rekindled and started. That's good, getting the crap from my life out, people who cause me issues get removed from my life very quickly. I have no time for lies and drama. Some of my friendships are a bit stretched at the moment i feel, but i could just be paranoid...
Money the fucking bane of my life. Well we ain't got any. Simple as that really lol I've lost weight cause im simply not eating. i have 2 meals a day, tomato soup with 2 slices of bread, no butter, not got any and evening i have pasta and tuna..maybe a little treat like a choc bar once or twice a week but that's pretty much been my diet for nearly a month.
Things ain't looking good at all.
I think that's my main stress, its covering bills, debts and such, robbing peter to pay paul.....

i seem sort of stuck, everything is sticking in the same place and i don't like it, not one bloody bit!

I've got the psychiatrist on the 13th, new meds they reckon and a more permanent solution to my sleeplessness. Got the sleep clinic in December too, another step for my banding....banding in January and hopefully it wont be too long ot wait for an op date. im desperate for this to start moving, i feel so old and fat and i want a new lease of life! I've been having a few hypos recently, not good. im simply not eating enough :( reckon i need another tooth out too :((

Everything is just really shit at the moment....nothing traumatising but enough ot keep me under my little black cloud.

I've been contemplating suicide a lot recently. I've been so low and see no point in my life carrying on. That sucks arse completely.

Think that's about it, prolly do another one soon though, let you know what's happening...

Much love xxx

end times

i am in the depths of a depression. A big one at that, its been on the cards for a week or so. That knot in my stomach and increasing urge for theworld to stop.

I am so confused with whats real and whats not. I know ive heard something for certain but then when i confront that person and quote it, they have no idea what im talking about, but im so certain but its happening more often that things i think ive heard are inthe end a product of my own brain.
I am distinctly lacking connection between my brain....i have a problem you see... i have what i consider 2 brains one is like the metal brain a sane and sensible side, then the rest is just a confused bundle of charchters and emotions that are so varied. the metal brain tried to control it most of the time but in moments like these its gone, nothing controls it and my paranoia, self hate and i question reality and sanity.  Everything seems so far away, i feel im sinking into a hole that is pretty much always been tryingot suck me in.
i dont know who iam, i dont know what makes me happy, whats makes me unhappy everything is such a mess in there.

i feel like i am dying. i know this sounds stupid but i am obsessed by it, i feel its lurking round every corner. i dread car rides cause i think we are going ot crash constantly, i hate the outside world anywhere outside my comfort zone has now been negated completely. i feel like my own body is failing completely, its old and useless. i struggle with everything and im fed up of my physical life completely. I want ot be free of all my illnesses i want to be free from the aches and pains. to just be free, harm and pain free.
im worried dale will snap one day and kill me, only so much someone can take of me, im obviously a crazy and well he doesnt blow up, he doesnt notice it most of the time, not that i know of. i get no care and affection in these dark days, so i assume he either doesnt care or doesnt notice, either way its not good and well i could do something and it makes him flip.
I wont have the flu vaccine as i dont want them to inject me with anything, it may contain somesort of tracker or something they are trialling. i dont know whats in them, so wont have it.
ive thought about hunger striking, if i dont eat then i will go into a coma, due to my diabetes. just switch me the fuck off please.
ive been planning my funeral alot recently. things are known that i want now and how it has to be.


i know its terribly selfish but you dont put up with me every day for the last 27 years, everything is a struggle. people i love twist things out of nothing and cause people to be bitter and not love me. people who i need ot love me, ignore me. they were my only reason not to do it, but i dont think they care anymore.

i really am ill, i can see me slipping and i dont know if i want to save myself anymore. ive broken so many times i see little point.

ah well.....noone understands my head, if i dont you wont but there is logic there somewhere where i dont know but some sort of tiwsted logic and understanding is there.

end times, is it the end of time? i dont know. lets hope so.....xxxx

Wanna let you know!

I have a NEW blog! It is for my photography, my portraits etc Thanks to those at getkinky.us for giving me the space to show people my work again! Having the space back gave me the perfect excuse for a shoot....Chez & Kayleigh are featured in the new lesbian tryst shoot! It gets very kinky!

I'll share a few pics here but please come over to the site http://www.getkinky.us/franceslaneerotica please use the like buttons for facebook and subscribe to my feed!

Woohoo! xxx

winter blues are early....

trying not to make it too long between posts, trying to keep some sort of order in my head.

In all honesty I've not had a great week :( i had a falling out with a friend over something stupid and really wasn't worth it. ive had toothache on BOTH sides of my lower jaw so food has been hard to consume and drinking wasn't much better. I feel like i have neglected my spiritual side somewhat recently and need to correct that. i feel a failure at life in general, its dale's birthday and i cant even afford to get him a £10 game :( so i feel a cunt. I feel like my family are drifting further and further away. ive not spoken to my mum since my grandad's funeral, don't know why, just scared she's going to shout or have a go and i really really don't want to fight any more.

I feel desolate. void of real emotion. i cry a lot, just on my own. i did it a week or so ago at a friend's house, just burst into tears. I am also becoming less and less social. I have had problems with 'outside' for a while but recently it has taken on a completely new role. I constantly think about the car crashing and I'm going to die, i fill with anxiety from the min my seatbelt clicks in and doesn't really ease until i am at a safe destination, back home or a friends house. I know it's becoming a problem, i don't know how to stop it but if i was a flower my petals are truly grey and limp.....

Ah the fucking toothache. I am now sporting a inch long gap on my lower left, leaving me with 1 molar at the back and nothing till my incisors at the front, nothing, a massive fucking gap. i have the teeth of a tramp. I might well get a denture as i can see it already being a problem eating wise, ive got no bit on one side, the molar left on the back has no tooth matching it on top, that too was removed. At least i wont have toothache any more but then again i will have no teeth pretty soon.
its a big thing for me, its the past catching up with the present, yet another way of knowing i broke my body and it doesn't fit back together again, like a vase you broke and your missing just tiny slithers but it makes it incomplete a jumbled handful of pieces.
im worried people will notice, i am worried that the rest of my teeth will follow, will i dribble more? ive already noticed my bite is literally non-existence on the left now, i will eat like a mouse for now on. if i didn't already have problems with eating in front of people....

I need to say sorry to someone....Krishna, my lord i am sorry for not giving you the love and care expected from me of late and i hope to be forgiven by you, my gracious Krishna. I have felt empty the last few weeks where my attentions have been focused elsewhere. I need to bathe in your golden light, your rose petalled scent surrounding me. My Lord i live to serve others and share your light with them.
Hare Krishna!


I feel of late i am being criticised about the fact i do not work but have the opportunity too. I ALWAYS looked at photography as my expression and interaction with the world. A little bit of me is in every photo. I can't do weddings, christenings etc. Why? well you may well ask and i will give you my answer....I do not do them as i find the subject's utterly depressing, i hate family occasions, just reminds me of how shit my family life is, reminds me ill never have a child to christen and most of all, yes most of all...i will be selling my artistic soul to a media devil. I LOVE photography, i literally see a photo constantly, ever changing, shifting shadows, a prop constantly learning and adopting new practices. I really don't want to do pretty photos, I'll do them for friends and family but outsiders no ta! i can tell my niece's and nephew to move, smile shut up etc. this façade of niceness is shit and i WILL NOT succumb to it. I would rather eat fuck all than give up the only thing i dream of for such a small compensation of my artistic soul leaving me. Same reason as a graphic designer i won't work for media pigs, i don't want my name associated with any of this world and its sheep like existence. Forget it, i'd rather be recognised for something i adore than something i do to fill my pockets.
plus i don't know if you've noticed im not great with the public, the sort of public that do glossy pretty princess shite weddings all with soft glow and white vignette, those people are my arch enemies, the sort ot look down their noses at me, middle class cunts. i do not wish to be slave girl to a bunch of cunts. tbh that's about the long and short of it.

I've got a wordpress blog thing going on at the moment, its for my fetish work, once its all up and live I'll post more!

Shoot next Thursday with chez & Kayleigh...prolly Maya too. going for the ultra sissy type thing, perhaps a bit of boob if i can get away with it lol

Right so yeah, posted some strong shit there....mind's a whirring tonight.....

oh and i nearly forgot i might have something called dissociative identity disorder, explains my multiple personalities and all that shizzle....here's a link D.I.D

So not all plain sailing at the moment, my head is a jumble sale.

Night Night xxx
p.s down to 12 richmond lights a day plus perhaps 10 single skin joints. not bad...xx

where to start......

It's been a while sorry, been busy and well lazy.

Everything mental is kinda normal right now, no major hiccups or spazzy moments to write home about, going to see Dr C for a new meds at end of November, they think i may need a stronger anti-psychotic.
Nice.

Friends, well everything seems good atm. A few teething problems with a new friendship but other than that its going swimmingly.
I will freely talk about my friendships with people as i feel it gives a in depth look at my own behaviour.
I have a friend who is basically me 5 years ago, well parts of me anyway. I worry about it as some people are not as nice or as honest as i am. She is very reliant on approval from gift buying. Now many of you would say not to whinge, but i worry she is spending money that she needs in order to secure my friendship. This is not the case, she has my friendship 100% it doesn't matter if your rich or poor in my book, everyone is welcome to come get to know me, i judge no one until i am sure that my judgement is right and clear. I don't dissuade anyone to try and get to know me, i love people and i am a real social animal when i want to be. My only hang up's with people who bring up my personal problems and use them against me, lying, and attacking social class of a person.
I have spent a long time getting to know my friends and my best friends, we share everything together. What i don't know about Xander I prolly don't need to know or want too! lol
I dislike people trying to tell lies about me to MY friends. Liars are always found out in a friendship group that is completely transparent with each other.
I am fiercely loyal and love my friends to pieces. As i live so far away from my own family, my adopted local family are the ones who i turn to and would protect as if they are my sister or brother.
One friend, i am worried about. My little girl. Her hang up on drugs at the moment is getting out of hand and although i am part of her experience in finding drugs, I didn't realise she would become so centred on it. She is only young, i love her to pieces and i want her to achieve and have a good life. Being the party girl is fine, being the one who's remembered is great but do not do it at the cost of losing family, friends and your own self respect. I know you will read this my córka, you are one of the most special and beautiful girl in my life, i would never let anyone hurt you physically or emotionally. I will help you in anything you want me too, i will be there but i need you to hold my hand voluntarily i can't force you. You make me smile and feel happy, you make me feel old though! lol Sunday feeling you cuddled up against me, gave me a lump in my throat, its what i miss about my own sister and what i will never feel from my own daughter. Your precious to me and i want you to know that. I care and only want to help. I want to share experiences with you, but i am finding myself increasingly becoming worried about you and your behaviour especially with drugs. We shall talk at some time I'm sure. we will find the time.

right ermmm got a little tear down my face then...I'm such a homo sometimes.

I've had toothache for 3 weeks now....finally went to a dentist to be told i am having 2 teeth removed and my options are to have a huge gap between my bottom incisor and 1 tooth at the back. leaving me with one molar or a denture. I am 27 and i am going to have a denture. Wish i hadn't done all those drugs and sweets all these years. I am so paying for it now! 
People don't realise that drug taking, yeah its fun its a lot of fun but if you get stupid then sorry to say they take effects. Personally drugs have effected my mental health, teeth, skin, stomach problems, nerve damage as well as carrying a lot of scars emotionally from problems with family and friends. Drugs really screwed my life up eventually and what 4 years later i still pay for it.
errghh......

However, i went out on Saturday to a house party held by a couple of friends. Now i have 2 social groups really a BDSM crowd and a Alt crowd, they mix well but certain things are lines not to be crossed although well at this party it did!
I got drunk, i have not been drunk in perhaps 2 years....I drank a bottle and a half of vodka....that is terrible i was smashed! I then proceeded to take an E and some AMT....recommended dose is about 50mg i took somewhere in the region of 200mg.....not dead so gather its ok. i do however worry about my poor little heart sometimes must be so fucked off with me. Spent a lot of time speaking with friends id not seen in months, ignoring one friend by complete accident and now paying for that mistake, i had however spent like a week with her and not seen the majority of my friends since July. 
I miss crazy times, a lot. i do however realise that that lifestyle is not for me any more, i reckon if i continued in the party hard lifestyle give me 10 years and you'll be getting a invite to my funeral....sad but probably true.
there are 2 very different sides to my personality, a quiet, mature woman and a complete heathen whore! I am socially gregarious and bubbly. I love to mingle, i love to flirt...i kiss a lot, i touch a bit more and more than anything i laugh, i laugh really hard! Also it helps people find me hilarious, in a good way I'm not being laughed at as i don't act like a dick! i am a extreme pervert with no 'hard' intentions. I am a predator when it comes to women, i love girls any type really, just love girls. I kiss them if i can and more if they want. I like girls enough to say if i wasn't with Dale i do think i would be lesbian. i am also very rude about girls, i like to do naughty things to them be it a naughty little spank or a spread the legs I'm banging you sort of position! 
Damn them girls!

is this enough of an update??? if someone wants to add more or ask me anything please do! xxx  

oh here's a couple of photos......

 

spazzy head....

I've got a problem....i think dale is trying to drug me......now i know this can't be happening but my mind keeps flicking it on and off....its to be honest a little frustrating and crazy.
My head is on full pelt at the moment..i can't stop thinking. my mind is totally full of stuff, fluff mainly but i dont know what to do.

I've met a girl, She's really nice and ever so sweet. She calls me Queen which is a term i like :) I love ot call her princess, i want ot make her dreams come true. She makes me smile, i want to share things with her. She enjoys the pervy thngs in life too, although i dont think she knows how pervy i really am!
i find a complete affinty with her, shes a little bit crazy like me and she needs closeness like me too.
Now this is not me leaving Dale, she knows that and i know that. I love Dale with all my heart but i need someone to provide the comfort and support i need. I need someone to give me cuddles, buy me little teddies that say 'i love you' i need that romance and well its never really been there with Dale. He knows about her and is happy that ive found someone to have the relationship i need with. its complete seperate and its more of a best friends thing, someone to love and hold.
Scary meeting someone i really get  on with, we like the same stuff, we share music interests, she wants ot know more about my spirituality and just seems to be right. She does come across a bit mental at times, shes got a few baggage problems but i hope with my help she will get ironed out. She will be a lot happier once she's removed this excess she has. I've not even actually met her yet lol 13th is the big day lol see where it goes eh?

I am completely frazzled with my head at the moment, i'm the happiest i've been in a long while. I am just utterly bored with everything, ive lost my creative energy, a lull in the storm it seems. It's right shitty when i get like this, i feel useless and that other designers dont get this problem, but then again they are paid and given assignments, something i don't do...it's all stuff i wanted to do not had to do.
My photography is hitting a wall at the moment too, i need new stuff and i need it soon or well im feeling like packing it all in, its an expensive hobby for someone with no money.
Everything to do with my creativeness is going ot pot recently :( makes me proper sad.

I don't know what the delusions are, cause i know it cant be happening, does that mean it isn't? or am i just trying to hide my true feelings? I am so confused, these thoughts just pop up out of nowhere no rhyme or reason to them but i become convinced about them. I really do think each side of my brain is working seperately. i've always thought that, since being a kid. Cause i can be deadly certain of something then something else pops up to say thats not true, is that the lingering normal person, am i close to madness?? i don't know but it scares the living shit out of me.
I don't hear voices, just these random thoughts that become reality. things have been happening recently that are unexplainable, i made paper float in the air, i then had a stick which was stuck to my hand like magnets...things are getting proper freaky. Is it something i should talk about, people will just think im daft or mad one of the 2. In all honesty i dont think i am mental you know proper cuckoo but something is going on outside of my power.
So right now im scared of being awake and scared of being asleep, both activities produce different oddness. perfect. not.