Today is another day of depression.....i can't seem to see past a few hours, my mind is constantly distracted, i feel completely knackered and I've only just got up!
I've been on the steady descent to the pit of depression since last Friday, it's slowly got worse up to yesterday where i knew i was in a bad one.
Dale dropped me at X & M's at about 2.30 by 5.30 i was on my way home. Now this in no way X & M's fault, i thought i wanted to go out and be with friends, try and cheer myself up and well it didn't work...i started missing dale, then all i could think about was my sister and how i felt helpless and want to be close to her, she needs me and i need her.
There's also a alcohol problem surfacing at home (Oxford) and a drug addiction...i just feel i should be there and to help my family, i feel so guilty. The thing is i can't afford to live there, for the £500 we pay here we would be getting a 2 bed flat at a push in Abingdon :( so it just doesn't make sense.
I want her ot move up here, it would do her so much good, the kids would get a better childhood and education, she would find friends like her not the sad sacks in abingdon. My sister is not for the townie lifestyle, her sister showed her the outside world and she knows there is something better out there.
Right, yeah back to why i had to go home...i basically started feeling very out of place, sad and panic. I, on reflection NEED dale. I am completely dependant on him, he literally props me up. Sounds sad, I've lost my independence but let's be honest when i had it i ran around like a headless chicken! But when you need to hold hands to cross the road cause i can wander or miss the moment but still cross, ive nearly been killed a few times! I worry desperately about the fact i am not the strong, independent woman i once was. In my opinion i am now a very weak, constantly ill BUT i am the happiest ive been in years, so perhaps this relationship lark is for me, who knows....ive been with dale for nearly 4 years! that's the longest ever lol
Anyway, dale came and i immediately went for a cuddle and just started blubbing. I love him so much.
I think i've got something really wrong with me :( I've seen a dramatic decrease in my health over the last few months not just mentally but physically. My grandad and my Aunty both died due to Cancer and its made me ultra paranoid. I've got a strange lump on my leg, it looks like it was perhaps a mole but its huge now...i am going ot go to the doctors, don't worry. I've also been having a lot of problems with my downbelowsies....which can be an indication of Cancer :( It is really worrying me, i am scared of going ot the doctor but i also worry that the doctor won't take me seriously as ive had so much go wrong this year due to it and the fact i am a paranoid person....it may well be nothing but its really scaring me....i thank my lucky stars i wake up in the morning..Sometimes i wish i didn't though, a sort of a begrudging feeling i didn't die. I think about death a lot, all sorts to do with it....i won't bore you with details but some of it is rather disturbing and some of it is the most religious experience...
I am in Fear. Fear is my enemy and i must tackle it head on and ask that Krishna guide me through my dark days and steer me into his ever-loving light.
I'm smoking less, about 20 over 2 days now....not bad seeing as I'm not trying and i am now going down to king size and lights! i will get off the fags!!
ermmm, yeah just thought i needed to clear my head a bit, so thanks and if you read this then leave a comment, it cheers me up :)
Hare Krishna! xxx
Oh and this is the best album this year by far! A true gem! I really fucking love Nick Cave! lol http://www.grinderman.com/
Showing posts with label medication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label medication. Show all posts
Monday, 20 September 2010
Tuesday, 7 September 2010
Prescriptions
Another trip to the doctors tomorrow for more medicine :( i am pretty bored and i don't think I've ever disclosed my full prescription list and what it is for, so here goes....
Lantus solostar - Long lasting insulin for my diabetes - 80 units a night
Novarapid - fast acting insulin - 30 units after every meal
Microbial skin wash - For severe acne on my legs and bum
antibiotics - Acne - 4 200mg a day
Scalp treatment shampoo - For itchy scalp
Dalacin-T - Acne
Lamotragine - Mood stabiliser - 400mg
Escitlapram - Anti-depressant - 75mg
Duloxetine - Anti-depressant - 240mg
Trifluperazine - Anti psychotic - 2mg
Zopiclone - sleeping tablets - 7.5mg
That's it for now but they may be starting me on cholesterol tablets as i have a reading of 10.9, the norm being about 4 or lower.
It's surprising i am still alive! I do think to a degree i am being held together with elastic bands and sticky tape! lol
A little update on my health at the moment;
I have lost 4kg in 2 months. Not bad seeing as i ain't really trying any more....
My final assessment for my stomach banding is in January. I think this is the final one anyway! i do hope so!
My diabetes is pretty much stable it seems, so no more increases in insulin.
I am being reviewed by my psychiatrist in a month or so, my CPN thinks i need to have some of my prescription changed and added too.
I've got so many niggles and pains from the main issue, weight. I can't walk for anything longer than half hour without having to lay down for a few hours cause i become in excruciating pain with my back. I'm fed up of being asked when i am due, being told i am pregnant since i was about 19 is starting to grate, especially seeing as i can't actually have kids.
Ah the kids issue, i have decided i don't want to be a mother and that if i wanted ot get pregnant i would have to go through a lot of procedures and stuff, i just don't want that. I am destined not to have kids, perhaps one day i will be in a position to adopt or foster, which seems much more appealing to me. Any way i am going to ask my doctor about getting a full hysterectomy. It's a big decision and i have thought long and hard for a couple of years now and i feel that it is time to get it sorted. I have poly cystic ovaries which means i haven't had a regular period since the age of 16. My last period was over a year a go. Those bits down there cause a lot of problems and if we could eradicate the poly cystic ovaries then i would perhaps lose more weight and also be able to be treated hormonally.
seems to make sense to me and Dale is ok with it all. It's sad i know and believe me i have cried over it but alas to be a genetic mother is not meant to be, I've got weak genes anyway lol
Right, I'm off, i just wanted something to do for 10 mins! lol xxx
Lantus solostar - Long lasting insulin for my diabetes - 80 units a night
Novarapid - fast acting insulin - 30 units after every meal
Microbial skin wash - For severe acne on my legs and bum
antibiotics - Acne - 4 200mg a day
Scalp treatment shampoo - For itchy scalp
Dalacin-T - Acne
Lamotragine - Mood stabiliser - 400mg
Escitlapram - Anti-depressant - 75mg
Duloxetine - Anti-depressant - 240mg
Trifluperazine - Anti psychotic - 2mg
Zopiclone - sleeping tablets - 7.5mg
That's it for now but they may be starting me on cholesterol tablets as i have a reading of 10.9, the norm being about 4 or lower.
It's surprising i am still alive! I do think to a degree i am being held together with elastic bands and sticky tape! lol
A little update on my health at the moment;
I have lost 4kg in 2 months. Not bad seeing as i ain't really trying any more....
My final assessment for my stomach banding is in January. I think this is the final one anyway! i do hope so!
My diabetes is pretty much stable it seems, so no more increases in insulin.
I am being reviewed by my psychiatrist in a month or so, my CPN thinks i need to have some of my prescription changed and added too.
I've got so many niggles and pains from the main issue, weight. I can't walk for anything longer than half hour without having to lay down for a few hours cause i become in excruciating pain with my back. I'm fed up of being asked when i am due, being told i am pregnant since i was about 19 is starting to grate, especially seeing as i can't actually have kids.
Ah the kids issue, i have decided i don't want to be a mother and that if i wanted ot get pregnant i would have to go through a lot of procedures and stuff, i just don't want that. I am destined not to have kids, perhaps one day i will be in a position to adopt or foster, which seems much more appealing to me. Any way i am going to ask my doctor about getting a full hysterectomy. It's a big decision and i have thought long and hard for a couple of years now and i feel that it is time to get it sorted. I have poly cystic ovaries which means i haven't had a regular period since the age of 16. My last period was over a year a go. Those bits down there cause a lot of problems and if we could eradicate the poly cystic ovaries then i would perhaps lose more weight and also be able to be treated hormonally.
seems to make sense to me and Dale is ok with it all. It's sad i know and believe me i have cried over it but alas to be a genetic mother is not meant to be, I've got weak genes anyway lol
Right, I'm off, i just wanted something to do for 10 mins! lol xxx
Saturday, 24 July 2010
deeper.....
Today i can feel a black cloud about to come looming over. You would think if i knew it was coming i must be able to stop or at least be cushioned somewhat.
I have never been able to deal with my depression's, i know now when they come, i don't know how severe or mild it may be. the constant worry of not knowing how long the next batch of the blues is going to hit.
I am a rapidly cycling bi-polar sufferer. This basically means my moods rapidly rotate. From crying with laughter i can be crying in sadness. It literally can switch within mins. If anything it annoys me now, the self hate, self pity and inward persona that comes with it. I love life i really do, i really honestly love what life can bring. It's just life has thrown a lot of shit up into my face.
These days with my interest in religion and spirituality i believe that the Buddha faced many challenges and it took him a long time to find inner peace and to be able ot share his life unselfishly with others. Now i know i am not Buddha! but i do think the challenges i face are lessons, my past karma being played out so i can move on and be further along my enlightened path.
Bi-polar, depression, mental illness is widely used these days, i know very few people who haven't had some form of anti-depressant, mainly prozac though, it seems ot have come back into 'fashion' with doctors lately.
Now i have been under a doctor since i was 18-19 with depression. It wasn't until about 3 years ago that i finally got a proper diagnosis. I was treated for a long time with venlafaxine, ever increasing the dosage. I am now on a combination of drugs to treat my bi-polar and borderline personality disorder, i also suffer from massive panic attacks, i find shopping a harassing and disturbing past time. I also have periods of schizophrenia, visual and audible. I have a huge self confidence issue.
People who know me, will prolly tell you i am outgoing, happy and bubbly. Yes i am these things but a lot of it is bravado and the mask i have affection for. The one thing i can hide behind completely. I am deeply unhappy most of the time, happiness comes frequently but it is usually at a cost or a very short time. I hate how i look, i hate how i behave, i hate who i am. i am not comfortable with who i am but at the same time it is with ease that i am this person and i find some form of comfort from difference from my inner feelings.
I also have gender issues. This is a long winded thing which i will perhaps share another time but basically if i could wave a magic wand i would be a bi man who dresses female, a crossdresser if you like. Oh and i also have a massive penchant for transgender folks, someone to share the pain of not being in the right skin i suppose.
The medication list!
200mg Lamotragine - This is to treat my personality disorder, it's a mood stabiliser and is also used to treat epileptic people.
120mg Duloxitine - This is to treat my depression, it seems to work somewhat.
5mg Trifluperazine - This is to stop me wandering about and to have a low dosage of a anti-pyschotic drug.
15mg Mirtazapine - Another anti-depressant which also helps with my sleep.
7.5mg zopiclone - To put me ot sleep. i sleep but not properly without my sleepers.
thats 7 tablets at night!
My sleep.....ohhhhhhh.....its a bugger. i seem to sleep loads but rarely sleep properly when i have my naps during the day. When i don't have my sleeping tablets, i sleep walk, occasionally mixing it with some casual violence towards dale or eating lol so tablets are needed!
I have the most horrific dreams, dreams that are reoccurring. proper horrible things. errghh.
I am known medically and socially as disabled. I am registered as mentally disabled as i am incapable of a normal life without constant care.
This is a really sad thing ot admit, that at the age of 27 i find cooking a meal to be a strenuous thing mentally. i can get to tears if things don't go right. yet cooking is something i love. I reply totally on others for support and guidance. I am at peril most of the time in public places and in the home i aint much better tbh.
I am not a spaz or a wrong 'un, i just can't compute basic information anymore. my brain is broken and its gone past being able to fix. The medication keeps me in a bubble, somewhere in a state of confusion. If i stop my medication (yes, stupidly i have tried) i am a retard. sorry for that but i am, a complete and utter one at that. the things in my head become to much, the noise but at the same time silence. unable to move without it hurting, constantly missing things, living in your own paranoid, fucked up world unable to connect with anyone and finding little friendship or love from anyone, cause you've pushed everyone so far away they are fed up of trying ot help and get in.
To stop me from going mental, in a bad way i decided i needed to be frank and open about EVERYTHING. everything i think of, do and say is for questioning. i tell people activities which either only i should know or a select few. i find no bother talking about sex or toilet duties. i am open with my feelings, often being hurt and often found cowering from the harsh reality of what others think. I am me, i am a one off, i think i am pretty special. My mum always has said i was put here for a reason, there is a purpose for my life. i have yet ot find it.
Right, little bit about the depression. discuss! xxx
I have never been able to deal with my depression's, i know now when they come, i don't know how severe or mild it may be. the constant worry of not knowing how long the next batch of the blues is going to hit.
I am a rapidly cycling bi-polar sufferer. This basically means my moods rapidly rotate. From crying with laughter i can be crying in sadness. It literally can switch within mins. If anything it annoys me now, the self hate, self pity and inward persona that comes with it. I love life i really do, i really honestly love what life can bring. It's just life has thrown a lot of shit up into my face.
These days with my interest in religion and spirituality i believe that the Buddha faced many challenges and it took him a long time to find inner peace and to be able ot share his life unselfishly with others. Now i know i am not Buddha! but i do think the challenges i face are lessons, my past karma being played out so i can move on and be further along my enlightened path.
Bi-polar, depression, mental illness is widely used these days, i know very few people who haven't had some form of anti-depressant, mainly prozac though, it seems ot have come back into 'fashion' with doctors lately.
Now i have been under a doctor since i was 18-19 with depression. It wasn't until about 3 years ago that i finally got a proper diagnosis. I was treated for a long time with venlafaxine, ever increasing the dosage. I am now on a combination of drugs to treat my bi-polar and borderline personality disorder, i also suffer from massive panic attacks, i find shopping a harassing and disturbing past time. I also have periods of schizophrenia, visual and audible. I have a huge self confidence issue.
People who know me, will prolly tell you i am outgoing, happy and bubbly. Yes i am these things but a lot of it is bravado and the mask i have affection for. The one thing i can hide behind completely. I am deeply unhappy most of the time, happiness comes frequently but it is usually at a cost or a very short time. I hate how i look, i hate how i behave, i hate who i am. i am not comfortable with who i am but at the same time it is with ease that i am this person and i find some form of comfort from difference from my inner feelings.
I also have gender issues. This is a long winded thing which i will perhaps share another time but basically if i could wave a magic wand i would be a bi man who dresses female, a crossdresser if you like. Oh and i also have a massive penchant for transgender folks, someone to share the pain of not being in the right skin i suppose.
The medication list!
200mg Lamotragine - This is to treat my personality disorder, it's a mood stabiliser and is also used to treat epileptic people.
120mg Duloxitine - This is to treat my depression, it seems to work somewhat.
5mg Trifluperazine - This is to stop me wandering about and to have a low dosage of a anti-pyschotic drug.
15mg Mirtazapine - Another anti-depressant which also helps with my sleep.
7.5mg zopiclone - To put me ot sleep. i sleep but not properly without my sleepers.
thats 7 tablets at night!
My sleep.....ohhhhhhh.....its a bugger. i seem to sleep loads but rarely sleep properly when i have my naps during the day. When i don't have my sleeping tablets, i sleep walk, occasionally mixing it with some casual violence towards dale or eating lol so tablets are needed!
I have the most horrific dreams, dreams that are reoccurring. proper horrible things. errghh.
I am known medically and socially as disabled. I am registered as mentally disabled as i am incapable of a normal life without constant care.
This is a really sad thing ot admit, that at the age of 27 i find cooking a meal to be a strenuous thing mentally. i can get to tears if things don't go right. yet cooking is something i love. I reply totally on others for support and guidance. I am at peril most of the time in public places and in the home i aint much better tbh.
I am not a spaz or a wrong 'un, i just can't compute basic information anymore. my brain is broken and its gone past being able to fix. The medication keeps me in a bubble, somewhere in a state of confusion. If i stop my medication (yes, stupidly i have tried) i am a retard. sorry for that but i am, a complete and utter one at that. the things in my head become to much, the noise but at the same time silence. unable to move without it hurting, constantly missing things, living in your own paranoid, fucked up world unable to connect with anyone and finding little friendship or love from anyone, cause you've pushed everyone so far away they are fed up of trying ot help and get in.
To stop me from going mental, in a bad way i decided i needed to be frank and open about EVERYTHING. everything i think of, do and say is for questioning. i tell people activities which either only i should know or a select few. i find no bother talking about sex or toilet duties. i am open with my feelings, often being hurt and often found cowering from the harsh reality of what others think. I am me, i am a one off, i think i am pretty special. My mum always has said i was put here for a reason, there is a purpose for my life. i have yet ot find it.
Right, little bit about the depression. discuss! xxx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)