More of what you like....

I love vintage porn! This is a personal favourite of mine, he looks like he is really enjoying it and i imagine they are some rum lasses! the nylon stocking falling down in the haste of proceedings.

yes i know its funny! I like 70's gay erotica. It's not quite found its mark, straight people running gay mags probably! lol I'd like to do som gay erotica. Just finding 2 men who will do it for me!

The focus is sweet on this, really spot on. It's quite a clean photo for me, its not sleazy, it's just a moment in time, a brief glimpse of skin of something more....

I love this photo, i don't know why it just says something. I see the girl as perhaps asian, working as a geisha escort type thing and she's fallen asleep. A sleepy erotic image, a sweet moment to see.

This is the inside of a made up LP for Velvet goldmine. I first watched the film when i was about 20 i think. I fell in love with the whole idealistic lifestyle, living the high. Also there is a lot of very pretty men in very pretty make up! lol Johnathan Rhys-Meyers is gorgeous and flicks my switch completely!! and then there is Ewan as a iggy pop figure, Christian Bale looking a bit dorky, Toni collette perhaps a fag hag dream! eddie izzard, brian molko jesus this list of gorgeous people is never ending! Basically the cinematography really gets me going and is something i would like to replicate.

This image reminds me of the drug and drink scene, where you party hard and every day feels like summer. Drinking pints of lager in beer garden and then partying with coke and weed into the early hours. the place a dump still from the last session and just a general film of dirt. It's just my film of dirt is proper engrained lol

This time ill give you a bit of a reason to each of the images i've chosen.
Hope you enjoy these as well xxx

things that inspire me....

Right now, ive got very little to talk about. I've got some things brewing and you never know i may come and confess later ;)

Here are a few images that inspire me, make me think and want to bring that influence into my own style. You may like hem, you may not either way they make me want to be more, something ot aspire too. xxx

battles

Hmmmm, now this is a topic that could end up into a weird rant type thing, so here goes!

I battle constantly. Constantly assessing and analysing who i am and my actions. Some may say this is good for you but personally i would rather i was less 'aware' of some of it.
Its like i really do have a devil and angel inside of me and they have proper rows and screaming banshee fits!
I see my pure self, the one who is all things good, patient, compassionate, loving, caring etc the part i like a lot but then there is a demon breaking through it all. I really quite like having the demon in my head, the one who wants me to take risks and be naughty! But its balancing the 2 in some way i can cope with.

The demon craves filth. I thrive in a dirty underworld of drugs, sex and filth. I have met some right lowlifes, people you don't mess with and people you just shouldn't know. I've really seen the underbelly of society and saw it for what it is. The world is constantly run by media and fear. I hate this and seem to only find escape either through going to my demon and satisfying all his dirty urges or the complete opposite and bury my head into a book about Buddhism and think of love and light. Either of these isn't a real option, both of them share a common value, they are escape mechanisms, a place in my mind that i can switch off the noise of the real world and sink into the depths of despair or rising to grab the stars. I suppose this is what my personality disorder is?? i don't know I've never really had it explained to me. Or maybe i have schizophrenia?? would explain the escapism and reliance on another entity that is only real to me.
I create characters, people who don't exist. people that are me! I've gone under lots of different names in my time, all secondary characters to me, Franny. There was Dani, the filthy sex worker, Tina Paint, my tranny loving boy shagging side, Francis, the man. There's been a fair few over the years tbh, it something to retreat to and give as a treat. I don't often become these other people but i crave that feeling that they give me constantly. I am aware of it and i know its a bad path to go down, its me making it ok to be wrong. is it wrong??

I do blame the demons though for my nonchalant attitude to sex, my disturbed side. the one who gets off to some sick shit. I embrace that side far to easily in comparison to my spiritual self. I find the battle is when good tries to overcome bad.

I have the greatest comic book all in my head! Demons, devils, angels and light. all a bit heavy ain't it?

I wonder do other people have the moral dilemmas i have. Do they understand i don't choose it and it played out between these two sides, i am merely a vessel for the battle.
I am morally objectionable all the time, well most of it but then i do have some strange things that really freak me out. I don't allow sex in my house, it is mine and dales house and our beds and i don't want you stinking them up! I have strange issues with just certain things.

So, the battle will no doubt continue, I'll be letting it rule my head and forgetting to fight against the blackness. it's terrible when you a resigning to the demons in your head! lol

If anyone has a clue what i am on about and if i need to get it seen to, please let me know!

xxx

hmmpphh....

Alright,

Well i spoke to my brother today and he is obviously taking it better than me, he is very calm and has accepted what happened, i think.
My mum has taken some photos of his injuries and i hope i will get a copy so i can show the world what this scum did.
Someone has been in custody since Sunday evening, he was found with blood all over his shoes and on his fists. So hopefully we have at least one person to take the blame and get a bit of justice.
I was however appalled at the state of the JR hospital's admin and the police's response to it.
The JR didn't give my brother a copy of his admission details nor a copy of his discharge details, i have told him to follow this up and get copies. When my sister rang the hospital she was told that Alex wasn't there, when he had been admitted early Sunday morning and she was ringing Sunday afternoon.
The police told my mum about the fact he had used drugs but failed to tell her he was in hospital.
they also have not checked the CCTV in and around Saxton road, this i hope will be followed up too.
All in all, the police and medical services are once again failing on another family member in the south. I've been subject to there idiocy as well as my sister, on SERIOUS crimes.
It was a southern doctor who told me that my 'puppy fat' would come off as i got older and failed to treat a severe case of poly cystic ovaries, which has now left me unable to have children. My mental health wasn't treated correctly till i moved to Manchester and as I've lived in Cumbria ALL of my medical problems have been treated. I cannot fault the response of emergency or medical services, they have treated me with utmost respect and have enormous thanks to give to them.

My brother then went on to ask me not to hold onto my hate towards these people as he saw little point of me suffering for the sake of them. So i agreed i would not peruse the matter as long as he did his utmost to get justice and compensation.
So i must let it go, it's hard but i understand my brother's concern and he knows it will bother me till i can get it sorted. i do feel somewhat disabled when it comes to helping out with my family.
I live in Cumbria, my family in Oxfordshire. I am a 5 hour drive away, that's a long way. So if i am to travel down it has to be for a good reason as its nearly £100 in fuel!!
I wish i could be more productive and helpful towards my family and i do hold a fair bit of guilt that my family suffer and i could perhaps ease that suffering and bring them the love and compassion they need.

I've been feeling a bit down last few days, its been slowly getting worse. I think i am on the way up tho now, i hope so. I finally managed to have a bath (not had one since Friday) at 6pm and dress in some normal clothes. That's the biggest sign i think of my depression to the outward world. I stop caring about how i look and my health in general. i tend to eat naughty things and my cravings go through the roof.
It's difficult to explain, i don't do it as i perceive myself as being too busy or its not needed. i am never too busy! i just lack care for myself or others. the longer i leave it the easier it is to cope with it, i've gone weeks without washing in the depths of depression. So i am glad i notice it now and actively do it.

All i want is a little peace in life and love from those i surround myself in. I think each of my friends is unique and i love them each for different reasons. I learned long ago that i don't need loads of friends to be popular or happy, i needed people who cared and love me for me. Everyone gets a chance, everyone is welcome to talk to me but don't be shocked if i say 'sorry, your not for me'. I don't mean to offend but my life is short, why waste my energy on a friendship that will never work, when i could put that energy into existing relationships. I welcome new friends but come to me as a honest and open person foremost.

Oh on a lighter note, i really really like big brother, i am proper addicted to it!! i am sorry but i am only human!!! xxxx

My brother....

Today well this evening i learned that my brother had been subject to a gang beating by 11 teenagers, 5 of which were girls. All between 16 - 18 and from Saxton Road in Abingdon. They stole nothing, literally a beating for no reason.

Now my brother is a twerp to be honest but i love him dearly and i find so much of me in him. This has really shocked me to my core and is the exact reason why i moved from Oxford and why i hate chav types.

I have personally been subject ot a cruel and menacing attack by about 8 people before and i know how terrifying it is and the pain physically and mentally it causes.

I don't understand why pick on him? he was walking home from work at about 1am and they just attacked him for no reason. I know my brother would have his mp3 player on and he does look a bit monged sometimes but he is a good lad and doesn't do fighting. He was shit at it as a kid, he is just passive and non-violent.

This has made me think about my past and what is to come from the future. I was (still am to a degree) violent and very aggressive. In the last few years i have mellowed and taken that part of me away. I retired if you like from fighting.

Now, if you know anything about this attack or may be able to point me in the right direction i would be most grateful and no names will be given to the vile humans that did this. I will seek them out and i will break them. It will take me time but i will reek revenge on the scum that did this. Be warned if you know of teens in the Saxton Road area, i will be coming down south and i will be sorting people out. I am a fucking maniac when i lose my rag and i am sick to death of these low life's getting away with it, not just cause of my brother but in general i really have a dislike for these cowards. My sister lives on Saxton Road not by choice i would like to add. I don't want my nieces and nephew growing up around this sort of behaviour and they obviously are lacking in discipline and need to be taught a fucking lesson.

on another note but linked. I felt queer all night last night, thinking of my mum a lot and my siblings and all day I've been uneasy. It may well be a coincidence but its a bloody strange one. I do think this sort of thing, which happens often, is due to my ever increasing interest in spirituality. My scientific brain knows better a lot of the time but when things like this occur and the increased amount of it happening i do think there may be something in it all. I think i may be slightly responsive to my family on a different level. Maybe something from being away from them for so long means my psychic connection is strong with them.

I am very pissed off, i do not use the word hate a lot any more, i find little use to holding onto a negative emotion but when it is so close to home and the group of people i have found a common denominator when bad shit happens, i have to hate them.

I've even looked at how much to rent a house in Oxford, i am so happy in Cumbria with all my friends but i think my family needs me, my sister needs me home to be her big sister and Alex needs me too, his reasons are different and i ain't willing to discuss them but with my experience of life i know he is heading down a bad path. I miss my mum & dad, my little sisters, everyone. My nan needs someone to share the care of my granddad, as much as she thinks shes alright, i know its too much for her. I don't know what to do. if i go home i will be very miserable, i hate Oxfordshire so much, i don't like being there but my family are there and will not be moving.
its such a big sacrifice to make, i don't know if i am ready for that sort of test or challenge.

last word: ANGER! xx

deeper.....

Today i can feel a black cloud about to come looming over. You would think if i knew it was coming i must be able to stop or at least be cushioned somewhat.
I have never been able to deal with my depression's, i know now when they come, i don't know how severe or mild it may be. the constant worry of not knowing how long the next batch of the blues is going to hit.

I am a rapidly cycling bi-polar sufferer. This basically means my moods rapidly rotate. From crying with laughter i can be crying in sadness. It literally can switch within mins. If anything it annoys me now, the self hate, self pity and inward persona that comes with it. I love life i really do, i really honestly love what life can bring. It's just life has thrown a lot of shit up into my face.
These days with my interest in religion and spirituality i believe that the Buddha faced many challenges and it took him a long time to find inner peace and to be able ot share his life unselfishly with others. Now i know i am not Buddha! but i do think the challenges i face are lessons, my past karma being played out so i can move on and be further along my enlightened path.

Bi-polar, depression, mental illness is widely used these days, i know very few people who haven't had some form of anti-depressant, mainly prozac though, it seems ot have come back into 'fashion' with doctors lately.
Now i have been under a doctor since i was 18-19 with depression. It wasn't until about 3 years ago that i finally got a proper diagnosis. I was treated for a long time with venlafaxine, ever increasing the dosage. I am now on a combination of drugs to treat my bi-polar and borderline personality disorder, i also suffer from massive panic attacks, i find shopping a harassing and disturbing past time. I also have periods of schizophrenia, visual and audible. I have a huge self confidence issue.
People who know me, will prolly tell you i am outgoing, happy and bubbly. Yes i am these things but a lot of it is bravado and the mask i have affection for. The one thing i can hide behind completely. I am deeply unhappy most of the time, happiness comes frequently but it is usually at a cost or a very short time. I hate how i look, i hate how i behave, i hate who i am. i am not comfortable with who i am but at the same time it is with ease that i am this person and i find some form of comfort from difference from my inner feelings.
I also have gender issues. This is a long winded thing which i will perhaps share another time but basically if i could wave a magic wand i would be a bi man who dresses female, a crossdresser if you like. Oh and i also have a massive penchant for transgender folks, someone to share the pain of not being in the right skin i suppose.

The medication list!
200mg Lamotragine - This is to treat my personality disorder, it's a mood stabiliser and is also used to treat epileptic people.
120mg Duloxitine - This is to treat my depression, it seems to work somewhat.
5mg Trifluperazine - This is to stop me wandering about and to have a low dosage of a anti-pyschotic drug.
15mg Mirtazapine - Another anti-depressant which also helps with my sleep.
7.5mg zopiclone - To put me ot sleep. i sleep but not properly without my sleepers.
thats 7 tablets at night!

My sleep.....ohhhhhhh.....its a bugger. i seem to sleep loads but rarely sleep properly when i have my naps during the day. When i don't have my sleeping tablets, i sleep walk, occasionally mixing it with some casual violence towards dale or eating lol so tablets are needed!
I have the most horrific dreams, dreams that are reoccurring. proper horrible things. errghh.

I am known medically and socially as disabled. I am registered as mentally disabled as i am incapable of a normal life without constant care.
This is a really sad thing ot admit, that at the age of 27 i find cooking a meal to be a strenuous thing mentally. i can get to tears if things don't go right. yet cooking is something i love. I reply totally on others for support and guidance. I am at peril most of the time in public places and in the home i aint much better tbh.
I am not a spaz or a wrong 'un, i just can't compute basic information anymore. my brain is broken and its gone past being able to fix. The medication keeps me in a bubble, somewhere in a state of confusion. If i stop my medication (yes, stupidly i have tried) i am a retard. sorry for that but i am, a complete and utter one at that. the things in my head become to much, the noise but at the same time silence. unable to move without it hurting, constantly missing things, living in your own paranoid, fucked up world unable to connect with anyone and finding little friendship or love from anyone, cause you've pushed everyone so far away they are fed up of trying ot help and get in.
To stop me from going mental, in a bad way i decided i needed to be frank and open about EVERYTHING. everything i think of, do and say is for questioning. i tell people activities which either only i should know or a select few. i find no bother talking about sex or toilet duties. i am open with my feelings, often being hurt and often found cowering from the harsh reality of what others think. I am me, i am a one off, i think i am pretty special. My mum always has said i was put here for a reason, there is a purpose for my life. i have yet ot find it.

Right, little bit about the depression. discuss! xxx

time for a nasty....

for some of my friends you know it all pretty much but i want to share this on a public forum to perhaps evoke emotion and help others who have or are going through the same.

I'll deal with something that i can get a grip on first. The things I've put to rest and are now emotionless, like its someone else's story.....

I was a proper geek at school, the ugly ducking, the one who never got attention. I sort of drifted through my school life, doing well in class but socially inept.

I left school finding myself in the big wide world and truth be told I was a bit scared. As much as I disliked school for its social reasons I really enjoyed studying.

Anyhoo, I started going out to nightclubs etc and Abingdon is a chav and squaddie town. This means a lot of conflict in the town and girls are often in the middle lol

I started seeing a squaddie I was 18 he was prolly bout 24. tbh I can't remember his name, I tried to forget him and his friends.
He picked me up for a night at the barracks, heavy drinking and generally being a bit of a slut, flirting etc. I had about 3 cans and i was arseholed, I was 18 and had barely started drinking.
my bf (huh) laid me on the bed and started to kiss and fondle me, his friends left the room there was 3 of them. he had got my knickers off and i heard the door go and they walked back in. He clasped his hand over my mouth and near enough punched through my vagina.
He then with help from his friends, held me down while they all copped a feel. pushing their fingers inside me and that feeling, that blankness that i came to see too often in my future happened for the first time. I remember just going limp, stopped screaming and just silently cried as i was raped by 4 men. The calm, the void of feeling was easier to handle, than fighting. if i fought i risked it being harder or for longer.
It makes me uneasy thinking of men treating me like that, like a whore. i had barely lost my virginity and these men were doing very bad things to me.
i felt sick, of course I did. after they had finished, i remember running to the bathroom to clean myself up, the blood on my thighs and the sticky semen all over me. knowing at least for tonight I had no where to run to. I had to stay and face the monster that had constructed the whole scenario. I knew I would have to sleep by his side, feel his breath on me till the morning, once it was gone 8 I could leave and get the bus and go home.
i didn't talk about this incident till quite a bit later on in my life. It somehow meant more or less, i don't know which. It hurts that i never tried to stop it happening to other girls. i could have done something. i later learned of similar stories among girls in the town and it wasnt the same men, so it seems that at that time Dalton Barracks was full of rapists. Now some may think this is all highly unlikely but i tell you the army cover up their soldiers doing such things. they move them on to another barracks and its all paperwork and it ends nowhere, it ends up dropped.

Being in that vulnerable position is harrowing. feeling 4 big men bearing down on you and the evilness they did. it leaves me cold, it leaves me unable to comprehend it.

So many girls cry rape these days for some pretty desperate reasons. i'm sure its always happened.
It offends me when I learn of girls saying they've been raped and then turns out they haven't all those false tears and paddys. I kept it all in side, scared to tell anyone. I was so frightened my mum would chastise me for being such a bad girl, I was sure she would tell me I brought it on myself. As a woman who has been raped more than once and by more than one person, I can say this, When you cry wolf, you offend and disrespect those who have had to live through perpetual abuse or who have been abused, you shout and scream at the top of your voice not realising the girl next door is being gang raped and not saying a word. Think of the damage you are doing.

It's scary knowing i have met and known some pretty fucking horrible people. People that should be punished for the things they have done for me and no doubt others.

So you know when you say I understand, you really don't. We are all human, all equal. It's our experience our learned behaviour that makes us, Us. My mistakes, my tragedies, my happiness make up me, your experience isn't the same as mine. perhaps you have got justice. I got strong too late and no going back.

I hope that opens your eyes a bit. If you want to know more, know in more detail I will happily talk but please be aware I ain't fucking stupid and will not tolerate people getting off on my pain. If you try it expect a barrage of fucking abuse.

xxxx