Weirdly though i know i don't take a bad photo, i used ot get paid to pose about for XXX magazines, it was all very ad-hoc and boring to be honest. Now i am a bit fatter and a bit more shy about my size and how i look to others. I worry constantly that someone will be judging me, well they will won't they?
I hate my belly, like really hate it. Its slowly been filling for the last 5 years, i look like i am ready to pop. The amount of times people have asked if i am pregnant. Its hard, stiff. It's not rolls of fat its like a pregnancy bump, completely solid. So photos showing me in full have to be very closely reviewed as certain shadows and stuff make it look worse. God i hate my body but at the same time i love it. I fully respect i am a big girl, most of the time i am in drab, jogging bottoms and a t-shirt, i rarely go anywhere that needs me looking at my best. I don't go to pubs or nightclubs cause i don't drink and i really dislike the fact i have to stand outside most of the night so i can smoke. Dale and i don't go on dinner dates or owt like that. We are pretty much indoors so i very rarely get to be made up and feel special.
I don't get many compliments of my old man either, it feels rather wasted when you get no response.
Next year this may all change, everything will change! I got my approval for either a banding or bypass of my stomach. This should be scheduled for middle of next year. I have got it purely on the grounds that my weight is severely effecting my health. If they give me the banding or bypass i will be non-diabetic almost immediately and will shift something like 3 stone in a couple of months. I so need it to be who i am, i want to go on long walks with my mates without my back giving in cause of the weight it has to carry, i want ot be able to buy items of clothes that show my figure off instead of hiding it. I know i will be left with skin etc but its nothing if i can walk and breathe and eat normally. I don't want to die, and right now i am fast tracking it.
Most women are insecure about themselves, if they tell you they ain't they are lying! Everyone has a grumble about something be it bums or tums.
I want to stress that because of my weight i have these things:
Type 1 diabetes
Severe acne - all over my body. This has left extensive scarring on my bottom half, i will never be able to wear a bikini. It doesn't help my main self abuse is to pick at these large spots, causing more scarring. I have to wash with a microbial wash to clear up infections as well as taking strong antibiotics.
Asthma - I get out of breath walking upstairs.
Cholesterol - at a nice 10.2 at the moment!!! its gone down by 4 since i first went ot the docs when we moved here.
Blood pressure - quite high, heart disease is in the family.
Back ache - i suffer really bad with my back, i can often be disabled by the pain.
Sleep - my sleep apnoea will go away and my snoring and position in bed will be better.
Weight - Honestly i will be thinner and healthier, wouldn't you want that? I do admit there are some vain reasons but all i want is to be normal.
Oh well that was depressing :( here's a couple of pics from today xxx
Hey franny. *hug* you look great! seriously you do! coming from a friend you have the most beautiful face out of anybody i know! be proud of who you are. i know i dont practice what i preach but that is because i am insecure about my image too. i have recently lost almost 3 stone. im 15 and i used to weigh 14st, nearly 15 st. im now down to just under 12 st. i am still unhappy about my image, but i feel better in myself for it. i havent managed to get rid of big arms and legs though and thats why i am unhappy about myself now, as well as saggy boobs... >>....<<..... anyway its nothing a good session or.... a dozen... at the gym cant fix. i do a lot of fell walking since i lost the weight, and i have always had really muscular legs so i accept that i will never have beautiful, elegant legs.
ReplyDeletelook at me ranting about myself D: im a disgrace D:. you are really a beautiful woman franny. honest to god, the best looking of my friends :) im sure there are many mutual friends we havee that would agree there. :)
remember... its not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves.
Seriously Franny, I wish I was that photogenic!
ReplyDeleteNo-ones ever truly happy with themselves. I'm 5ft, weigh 14st and the moment I get the wiff of stress, caffine or dairy and my skin becomes cracked and sore. Even if I got to my target weight I'd still be unhappy and want to be 5inches taller @_@
Still, I'm loved and the changes are coming slowely.
You go girl! Stop avoiding the camera!
Vicky
Franny ... you look hot, hot, hot hunni ... I can relate to everything you have said I have sleep apenas and I fucking hate using a cpap machine ... no diabetes, but the back ache, the weight, the diability of not being so mobile ... I weigh 26.5 stone ... so I am a SSBBW ... funny enough I love me and my husband and kids love me ... my health is suffering now tho' I have been told by the weight management clinic that I would be approved for weight loss sugery but that is my last opetion ... I wish you every happiness hunni you deserve XXXX
ReplyDelete