I've got a problem....i think dale is trying to drug me......now i know this can't be happening but my mind keeps flicking it on and off....its to be honest a little frustrating and crazy.
My head is on full pelt at the moment..i can't stop thinking. my mind is totally full of stuff, fluff mainly but i dont know what to do.
I've met a girl, She's really nice and ever so sweet. She calls me Queen which is a term i like :) I love ot call her princess, i want ot make her dreams come true. She makes me smile, i want to share things with her. She enjoys the pervy thngs in life too, although i dont think she knows how pervy i really am!
i find a complete affinty with her, shes a little bit crazy like me and she needs closeness like me too.
Now this is not me leaving Dale, she knows that and i know that. I love Dale with all my heart but i need someone to provide the comfort and support i need. I need someone to give me cuddles, buy me little teddies that say 'i love you' i need that romance and well its never really been there with Dale. He knows about her and is happy that ive found someone to have the relationship i need with. its complete seperate and its more of a best friends thing, someone to love and hold.
Scary meeting someone i really get on with, we like the same stuff, we share music interests, she wants ot know more about my spirituality and just seems to be right. She does come across a bit mental at times, shes got a few baggage problems but i hope with my help she will get ironed out. She will be a lot happier once she's removed this excess she has. I've not even actually met her yet lol 13th is the big day lol see where it goes eh?
I am completely frazzled with my head at the moment, i'm the happiest i've been in a long while. I am just utterly bored with everything, ive lost my creative energy, a lull in the storm it seems. It's right shitty when i get like this, i feel useless and that other designers dont get this problem, but then again they are paid and given assignments, something i don't do...it's all stuff i wanted to do not had to do.
My photography is hitting a wall at the moment too, i need new stuff and i need it soon or well im feeling like packing it all in, its an expensive hobby for someone with no money.
Everything to do with my creativeness is going ot pot recently :( makes me proper sad.
I don't know what the delusions are, cause i know it cant be happening, does that mean it isn't? or am i just trying to hide my true feelings? I am so confused, these thoughts just pop up out of nowhere no rhyme or reason to them but i become convinced about them. I really do think each side of my brain is working seperately. i've always thought that, since being a kid. Cause i can be deadly certain of something then something else pops up to say thats not true, is that the lingering normal person, am i close to madness?? i don't know but it scares the living shit out of me.
I don't hear voices, just these random thoughts that become reality. things have been happening recently that are unexplainable, i made paper float in the air, i then had a stick which was stuck to my hand like magnets...things are getting proper freaky. Is it something i should talk about, people will just think im daft or mad one of the 2. In all honesty i dont think i am mental you know proper cuckoo but something is going on outside of my power.
So right now im scared of being awake and scared of being asleep, both activities produce different oddness. perfect. not.
Thursday 30 September 2010
Monday 27 September 2010
My photography....Can you help??
I'm getting right fed up. I need to do more shoots with new models :( I've done like 4 or 5 this year and that's using 2 new models :( I need to get more experience doing portraits, I've got so many ideas and no one to play them out for me.
My shoots, well the ones that tell some sort of story or something are in fact photographic representation of my fantasy photo, not a sexual fantasy.....a art one, a perfect realization of something inside my head. It's so frustrating not being able to re-enact these with folk. The models i have worked with, each and ever one of them i would shoot again but some scenes need the right model....
Last year i was inundated with people wanting to do shoots with me, this year hardly any contact :( my location i know doesn't help but i am willing to travel but only a couple of hours away though, so London is well out of the question, yet that's where all the models are arrrgghhh!! we couldn't even afford to move there or near there, down south is horrendous for rental property.
Right now I've got a real craving for a shoot, its rattling about up there with loads of ideas and processing ideas too....
I need some more hardcore shoots too, gay, straight, orgy anything goes! I need some raw flesh to turn into some very erotica and sexy imagery. If you want to bare some flesh, either solo or with a partner let me know!
My style is coming into it's own now, I'm starting to get into a certain look with my photos, the look i want. It works for what i am trying to portray.
I want to do some edgy stuff, stuff you may not like to see but well it happens and someone likes it! knife play, hard BDSM etc. are all good in my eyes. I want to do some dual meaning photos too.
I need to find a investor. This is strongly apparent. I need to find someone who will put the money up for printing and framing so i can shift some of my work out into peoples homes etc. and make a bit of a name for myself. All money would be returned plus a profit.
I need to start making a bit of money from this. I need newer and better equipment. I am slightly embarrassed by my set up now, my camera is still a bit broken and in desperate need of replacing, my lights are a joke! They are 2 construction lights and a flood lamp from like the 60's! oh and i don't have a horseshoe flash, only the one on the camera. I've lost my white background, got nicked :( i need a new lens for portraiture work....the list is bloody endless and i will never afford these things unless i start making something from what i do. I don't want to take the piss or make a massive profit, just enough to be able to save and buy me some nice things to make better art.
I need to find some contacts in the adult and fetish industry. I need dungeons to want to work with me, official photographer at events, fet magazines etc. willing to do the work for free just for exposure. This is extremely hard as i don't frequent any scene :( again this is due to lack of cash....i need to get some leaflets, attend events and hand out flyers to people. There is so much i need to do, it goes on and on and in all honesty business stuff frightens me a little bit, i need a guiding hand and partner to go through things and do it right.
If you can model for me, be you a pro or first timer, a top class TS escort or a Fluffy! Everyone is welcome! If you own some photography equipment, lenses you know longer use, filters, flashes, backdrops anything that could be handy right down to simple bits of jewellery for shoots.... i would be eternally grateful to you and i would hope at some point be able to give you a framed print, signed and limited editions!
I may be able to pay for the postage etc. so please let me know and i will sort it.
Well there you go, some of my woes at the moment and i think why i am stuck a bit.....
Chin Up.
xxx
My shoots, well the ones that tell some sort of story or something are in fact photographic representation of my fantasy photo, not a sexual fantasy.....a art one, a perfect realization of something inside my head. It's so frustrating not being able to re-enact these with folk. The models i have worked with, each and ever one of them i would shoot again but some scenes need the right model....
Last year i was inundated with people wanting to do shoots with me, this year hardly any contact :( my location i know doesn't help but i am willing to travel but only a couple of hours away though, so London is well out of the question, yet that's where all the models are arrrgghhh!! we couldn't even afford to move there or near there, down south is horrendous for rental property.
Right now I've got a real craving for a shoot, its rattling about up there with loads of ideas and processing ideas too....
I need some more hardcore shoots too, gay, straight, orgy anything goes! I need some raw flesh to turn into some very erotica and sexy imagery. If you want to bare some flesh, either solo or with a partner let me know!
My style is coming into it's own now, I'm starting to get into a certain look with my photos, the look i want. It works for what i am trying to portray.
I want to do some edgy stuff, stuff you may not like to see but well it happens and someone likes it! knife play, hard BDSM etc. are all good in my eyes. I want to do some dual meaning photos too.
I need to find a investor. This is strongly apparent. I need to find someone who will put the money up for printing and framing so i can shift some of my work out into peoples homes etc. and make a bit of a name for myself. All money would be returned plus a profit.
I need to start making a bit of money from this. I need newer and better equipment. I am slightly embarrassed by my set up now, my camera is still a bit broken and in desperate need of replacing, my lights are a joke! They are 2 construction lights and a flood lamp from like the 60's! oh and i don't have a horseshoe flash, only the one on the camera. I've lost my white background, got nicked :( i need a new lens for portraiture work....the list is bloody endless and i will never afford these things unless i start making something from what i do. I don't want to take the piss or make a massive profit, just enough to be able to save and buy me some nice things to make better art.
I need to find some contacts in the adult and fetish industry. I need dungeons to want to work with me, official photographer at events, fet magazines etc. willing to do the work for free just for exposure. This is extremely hard as i don't frequent any scene :( again this is due to lack of cash....i need to get some leaflets, attend events and hand out flyers to people. There is so much i need to do, it goes on and on and in all honesty business stuff frightens me a little bit, i need a guiding hand and partner to go through things and do it right.
If you can model for me, be you a pro or first timer, a top class TS escort or a Fluffy! Everyone is welcome! If you own some photography equipment, lenses you know longer use, filters, flashes, backdrops anything that could be handy right down to simple bits of jewellery for shoots.... i would be eternally grateful to you and i would hope at some point be able to give you a framed print, signed and limited editions!
I may be able to pay for the postage etc. so please let me know and i will sort it.
Well there you go, some of my woes at the moment and i think why i am stuck a bit.....
Chin Up.
xxx
Wednesday 22 September 2010
Filthy boys and blonde girls!
Let's start this off by saying i am addicted to the new Grinderman album, the song palaces of Montezuma literally makes me fall off my chair and writhe around on the floor, my hips jerking and rising! It is currently the soundtrack to my depression.....
Saying that, it makes me feel alive, concentrated and a sort of dirty anger that makes me feel great!
There are a few men that really get me, you know the one's you would if the chance came about! lol i will list; Brian Molko, have done since about 12, spent most of my youth trying to look like him lol Nick Cave, cause he is masculine and i feel a bit awkward and deep, i like deep. Jonathan Rhys Myers, Velvet Goldmine is one of my favourite films and where i fell for the sultry eyed muthafucker! i like men who are men, i like strange facial hair, older men, the suit...oh a suit does it all for me! Thing is i also love faggoty men such as Brian, i love boys in dresses, whether they be acting like a lady or not! I've like trannies for a long time but a effeminate boy really has me hooked!
I like Girls too, i was in love with Sharleen Spitteri when i was about 15 - 16...i had a big poster of her i used to kiss....*shame* i like innocence, i like blondes, thin preferable, between 18 - 30, kooky like me and with a good heart. I don't really fancy famous women any more, they are unattainable and well i prefer someone i can corrupt lol
Can't you imagine Nick Cave looming over you, the dirty bedsheets, the stench of cigarette smoke and sweat, him pulling you down onto him, grabbing a fistful of hair as he....ohhhhhhh......lol
I like dirty, if you hadn't of gathered! I love sleaze, dirty sex shops, filthy perverts and sweaty, heady night of drugs and sex, latex optional! I am attracted to the filthier side of sex, the real, hot sex. I hate all this fucking in beds....i remember the days of a living room with a matress and a orgy going on, the hands moving over you, biting your nipple...its all rather sordid but you know snorting lines of some random slut's arse is fucking fantastic!
I either want to be in control or out of control....i do not wish to be controlled. I want to be used like a whore, but in the morning brought a cup of tea and a paracetamol!
Sex is a dangerous tool, ive used it to my advantage and well disadvantage...i've had some amazing experiences and some downright miserable times all down to my fanny! I've sold it, poked it, hurt it, enjoyed it and loved it! sex can be used to humiliate, entice, greed and love. your choice which one.....
right, im off for a bath, have a think......xxx
Saying that, it makes me feel alive, concentrated and a sort of dirty anger that makes me feel great!
There are a few men that really get me, you know the one's you would if the chance came about! lol i will list; Brian Molko, have done since about 12, spent most of my youth trying to look like him lol Nick Cave, cause he is masculine and i feel a bit awkward and deep, i like deep. Jonathan Rhys Myers, Velvet Goldmine is one of my favourite films and where i fell for the sultry eyed muthafucker! i like men who are men, i like strange facial hair, older men, the suit...oh a suit does it all for me! Thing is i also love faggoty men such as Brian, i love boys in dresses, whether they be acting like a lady or not! I've like trannies for a long time but a effeminate boy really has me hooked!
I like Girls too, i was in love with Sharleen Spitteri when i was about 15 - 16...i had a big poster of her i used to kiss....*shame* i like innocence, i like blondes, thin preferable, between 18 - 30, kooky like me and with a good heart. I don't really fancy famous women any more, they are unattainable and well i prefer someone i can corrupt lol
Can't you imagine Nick Cave looming over you, the dirty bedsheets, the stench of cigarette smoke and sweat, him pulling you down onto him, grabbing a fistful of hair as he....ohhhhhhh......lol
I like dirty, if you hadn't of gathered! I love sleaze, dirty sex shops, filthy perverts and sweaty, heady night of drugs and sex, latex optional! I am attracted to the filthier side of sex, the real, hot sex. I hate all this fucking in beds....i remember the days of a living room with a matress and a orgy going on, the hands moving over you, biting your nipple...its all rather sordid but you know snorting lines of some random slut's arse is fucking fantastic!
I either want to be in control or out of control....i do not wish to be controlled. I want to be used like a whore, but in the morning brought a cup of tea and a paracetamol!
Sex is a dangerous tool, ive used it to my advantage and well disadvantage...i've had some amazing experiences and some downright miserable times all down to my fanny! I've sold it, poked it, hurt it, enjoyed it and loved it! sex can be used to humiliate, entice, greed and love. your choice which one.....
right, im off for a bath, have a think......xxx
Tuesday 21 September 2010
Monday 20 September 2010
lingering feelings of doubt......
Today is another day of depression.....i can't seem to see past a few hours, my mind is constantly distracted, i feel completely knackered and I've only just got up!
I've been on the steady descent to the pit of depression since last Friday, it's slowly got worse up to yesterday where i knew i was in a bad one.
Dale dropped me at X & M's at about 2.30 by 5.30 i was on my way home. Now this in no way X & M's fault, i thought i wanted to go out and be with friends, try and cheer myself up and well it didn't work...i started missing dale, then all i could think about was my sister and how i felt helpless and want to be close to her, she needs me and i need her.
There's also a alcohol problem surfacing at home (Oxford) and a drug addiction...i just feel i should be there and to help my family, i feel so guilty. The thing is i can't afford to live there, for the £500 we pay here we would be getting a 2 bed flat at a push in Abingdon :( so it just doesn't make sense.
I want her ot move up here, it would do her so much good, the kids would get a better childhood and education, she would find friends like her not the sad sacks in abingdon. My sister is not for the townie lifestyle, her sister showed her the outside world and she knows there is something better out there.
Right, yeah back to why i had to go home...i basically started feeling very out of place, sad and panic. I, on reflection NEED dale. I am completely dependant on him, he literally props me up. Sounds sad, I've lost my independence but let's be honest when i had it i ran around like a headless chicken! But when you need to hold hands to cross the road cause i can wander or miss the moment but still cross, ive nearly been killed a few times! I worry desperately about the fact i am not the strong, independent woman i once was. In my opinion i am now a very weak, constantly ill BUT i am the happiest ive been in years, so perhaps this relationship lark is for me, who knows....ive been with dale for nearly 4 years! that's the longest ever lol
Anyway, dale came and i immediately went for a cuddle and just started blubbing. I love him so much.
I think i've got something really wrong with me :( I've seen a dramatic decrease in my health over the last few months not just mentally but physically. My grandad and my Aunty both died due to Cancer and its made me ultra paranoid. I've got a strange lump on my leg, it looks like it was perhaps a mole but its huge now...i am going ot go to the doctors, don't worry. I've also been having a lot of problems with my downbelowsies....which can be an indication of Cancer :( It is really worrying me, i am scared of going ot the doctor but i also worry that the doctor won't take me seriously as ive had so much go wrong this year due to it and the fact i am a paranoid person....it may well be nothing but its really scaring me....i thank my lucky stars i wake up in the morning..Sometimes i wish i didn't though, a sort of a begrudging feeling i didn't die. I think about death a lot, all sorts to do with it....i won't bore you with details but some of it is rather disturbing and some of it is the most religious experience...
I am in Fear. Fear is my enemy and i must tackle it head on and ask that Krishna guide me through my dark days and steer me into his ever-loving light.
I'm smoking less, about 20 over 2 days now....not bad seeing as I'm not trying and i am now going down to king size and lights! i will get off the fags!!
ermmm, yeah just thought i needed to clear my head a bit, so thanks and if you read this then leave a comment, it cheers me up :)
Hare Krishna! xxx
Oh and this is the best album this year by far! A true gem! I really fucking love Nick Cave! lol http://www.grinderman.com/
I've been on the steady descent to the pit of depression since last Friday, it's slowly got worse up to yesterday where i knew i was in a bad one.
Dale dropped me at X & M's at about 2.30 by 5.30 i was on my way home. Now this in no way X & M's fault, i thought i wanted to go out and be with friends, try and cheer myself up and well it didn't work...i started missing dale, then all i could think about was my sister and how i felt helpless and want to be close to her, she needs me and i need her.
There's also a alcohol problem surfacing at home (Oxford) and a drug addiction...i just feel i should be there and to help my family, i feel so guilty. The thing is i can't afford to live there, for the £500 we pay here we would be getting a 2 bed flat at a push in Abingdon :( so it just doesn't make sense.
I want her ot move up here, it would do her so much good, the kids would get a better childhood and education, she would find friends like her not the sad sacks in abingdon. My sister is not for the townie lifestyle, her sister showed her the outside world and she knows there is something better out there.
Right, yeah back to why i had to go home...i basically started feeling very out of place, sad and panic. I, on reflection NEED dale. I am completely dependant on him, he literally props me up. Sounds sad, I've lost my independence but let's be honest when i had it i ran around like a headless chicken! But when you need to hold hands to cross the road cause i can wander or miss the moment but still cross, ive nearly been killed a few times! I worry desperately about the fact i am not the strong, independent woman i once was. In my opinion i am now a very weak, constantly ill BUT i am the happiest ive been in years, so perhaps this relationship lark is for me, who knows....ive been with dale for nearly 4 years! that's the longest ever lol
Anyway, dale came and i immediately went for a cuddle and just started blubbing. I love him so much.
I think i've got something really wrong with me :( I've seen a dramatic decrease in my health over the last few months not just mentally but physically. My grandad and my Aunty both died due to Cancer and its made me ultra paranoid. I've got a strange lump on my leg, it looks like it was perhaps a mole but its huge now...i am going ot go to the doctors, don't worry. I've also been having a lot of problems with my downbelowsies....which can be an indication of Cancer :( It is really worrying me, i am scared of going ot the doctor but i also worry that the doctor won't take me seriously as ive had so much go wrong this year due to it and the fact i am a paranoid person....it may well be nothing but its really scaring me....i thank my lucky stars i wake up in the morning..Sometimes i wish i didn't though, a sort of a begrudging feeling i didn't die. I think about death a lot, all sorts to do with it....i won't bore you with details but some of it is rather disturbing and some of it is the most religious experience...
I am in Fear. Fear is my enemy and i must tackle it head on and ask that Krishna guide me through my dark days and steer me into his ever-loving light.
I'm smoking less, about 20 over 2 days now....not bad seeing as I'm not trying and i am now going down to king size and lights! i will get off the fags!!
ermmm, yeah just thought i needed to clear my head a bit, so thanks and if you read this then leave a comment, it cheers me up :)
Hare Krishna! xxx
Oh and this is the best album this year by far! A true gem! I really fucking love Nick Cave! lol http://www.grinderman.com/
Wednesday 15 September 2010
just a wee catch up....
seeing as its nearly a week since my last post i thought i best put something about what's been going on.
Not a lot.
i did a quick shoot with maya and will attach a few faves from the shoot to share with you. Was nice ot see X & M on sunday, wish we spent more time together sometimes :(
I had my tattoos refilled on saturday at Ian & Karen's, was nice ot see them too, oh i got my hair cut too! i had about 3 inches off, was doing my head in!
i managed to acquire some speed saturday, so spent most of the day whizzing off my tits and attached to cd case lol Nowt special, occasion wise, was just going and i thought yeah i could play....just made me chat shit all night on facebook!
I then fell into a bit of a downer, yeah i know its the comedown but i think the need to play with drugs was cause the depression was just lingering around the corner, ah well, just meant i spent 2 days in bed. Also means i had to delay a shoot with a girl called Sarah. It's a shoot i am looking forward too but i didnt think saturday's binge was going ot last till today pretty much.....
Other than that i've done very little with my life. I find weeks like this to be sooo boring and dull. I sometimes think i am a complete waste of space, the air i breathe is wasted on me.....i do literally shit all with my life, i try and do more but i am not encouraged or supported by my partner. There is so much i would like to do, long walks around the lakes, painting, meditation and yoga but i need support from Dale to do these things as i don't drive so need his co-operation on them.
He laughed at me doing yoga, he can't seem to hold onto a piss when i try and meditate and going ot the temple was met by sniggers.
Sometimes i wonder why i am with Dale, he doesn't help my moods sometimes and isn't very enocuraging of some of my pursuits. He is positive about my photos but i can't really get any good critque on them which is whati need sometime.
It's difficult, i love him to pieces but our interests are the complete opposite. Dale is a hermit, i am a social butterfly! i need to spread my wings now and again. I feel trapped tbh, stuck in a very mundane life. I am so nagative about my relationship with Dale but i whinge about everything, whilst silently being very grateful for what i've got. I love Dale, 100%. He is my best friend to the end. Our relationship is different i suppose as we both have mental health problems, we are a introvert/extrovert partnership, we are with each other constantly the longest we have been apart is a week and that has happened twice in nearly 4 years!!
I was speaking ot a friend the other day about our past and the fact we've grown up and changed. Mellowed and well we find each other still attractive and still think we could work as a couple. it puts me in such a dilemma. I would never leave Dale, i love him too much but the option that little reckless minx is still lurking in me, wants ot takethe risk, just do it! See what happens. She is an amazing woman and i know my life with her would be as comfortable and happier than my situation now. She was my little princess for a long time and i enjoyed our lifestyle much more than i do at the moment. I know she can offer me all the security i could ever want, i love her to pieces but i have to think of others now and not be so selfish. Am i being selfish? Is it just a case of the grass is greener?
I really shouldn't share these things, but now i have YOU, yes YOU! I can share my life and my thoughts and i won't keep them knocking about in my head!
I would like to note though, although yes i have these thoughts, they are thoughts and i put them down to my ever grasping nature and i have no intention of leaving Dale and i love him completely.
Here's some photos.....
Not a lot.
i did a quick shoot with maya and will attach a few faves from the shoot to share with you. Was nice ot see X & M on sunday, wish we spent more time together sometimes :(
I had my tattoos refilled on saturday at Ian & Karen's, was nice ot see them too, oh i got my hair cut too! i had about 3 inches off, was doing my head in!
i managed to acquire some speed saturday, so spent most of the day whizzing off my tits and attached to cd case lol Nowt special, occasion wise, was just going and i thought yeah i could play....just made me chat shit all night on facebook!
I then fell into a bit of a downer, yeah i know its the comedown but i think the need to play with drugs was cause the depression was just lingering around the corner, ah well, just meant i spent 2 days in bed. Also means i had to delay a shoot with a girl called Sarah. It's a shoot i am looking forward too but i didnt think saturday's binge was going ot last till today pretty much.....
Other than that i've done very little with my life. I find weeks like this to be sooo boring and dull. I sometimes think i am a complete waste of space, the air i breathe is wasted on me.....i do literally shit all with my life, i try and do more but i am not encouraged or supported by my partner. There is so much i would like to do, long walks around the lakes, painting, meditation and yoga but i need support from Dale to do these things as i don't drive so need his co-operation on them.
He laughed at me doing yoga, he can't seem to hold onto a piss when i try and meditate and going ot the temple was met by sniggers.
Sometimes i wonder why i am with Dale, he doesn't help my moods sometimes and isn't very enocuraging of some of my pursuits. He is positive about my photos but i can't really get any good critque on them which is whati need sometime.
It's difficult, i love him to pieces but our interests are the complete opposite. Dale is a hermit, i am a social butterfly! i need to spread my wings now and again. I feel trapped tbh, stuck in a very mundane life. I am so nagative about my relationship with Dale but i whinge about everything, whilst silently being very grateful for what i've got. I love Dale, 100%. He is my best friend to the end. Our relationship is different i suppose as we both have mental health problems, we are a introvert/extrovert partnership, we are with each other constantly the longest we have been apart is a week and that has happened twice in nearly 4 years!!
I was speaking ot a friend the other day about our past and the fact we've grown up and changed. Mellowed and well we find each other still attractive and still think we could work as a couple. it puts me in such a dilemma. I would never leave Dale, i love him too much but the option that little reckless minx is still lurking in me, wants ot takethe risk, just do it! See what happens. She is an amazing woman and i know my life with her would be as comfortable and happier than my situation now. She was my little princess for a long time and i enjoyed our lifestyle much more than i do at the moment. I know she can offer me all the security i could ever want, i love her to pieces but i have to think of others now and not be so selfish. Am i being selfish? Is it just a case of the grass is greener?
I really shouldn't share these things, but now i have YOU, yes YOU! I can share my life and my thoughts and i won't keep them knocking about in my head!
I would like to note though, although yes i have these thoughts, they are thoughts and i put them down to my ever grasping nature and i have no intention of leaving Dale and i love him completely.
Here's some photos.....
Friday 10 September 2010
my cup is overflowing....
3 days ago i joined a site called ISKCON Desire Tree, it is a social networking site aimed at people who are Krishna concious. Firstly the site is fantastic and very easy to use and so much information to take in! I have spoken to 3 people in 3 days, complete strangers being kind and generous with their knowledge, it's all aimed at love and community, its the opposite of facebook!
Now i feel i need to shed a bit of light on my spirituality...i mention it but not delved into detail with it.
I came from a church of England background, although not practising. At 15 i discovered wicca & paganism, i studied hard for a year or so, writing stuff down from books, casting little spells etc. My mother found out and went ballistic, needless to say i did not feel i could step down the spiritual path i wanted so sort of gave up on it. I tried to practice at least being green and a bit of a hippy. It wasn't until 2 years ago i felt it was my time to take on the difficult task of finding out who i am inside, spiritually.
I went straight back to Wicca and Paganism, finding my roots again and again starting to practice and being active about educating myself. Well about a year ago i bought a book cheap called the guide to buddhism, it told the history of it all, its principles, practices etc and i found myself particularly drawn to Buddha. Buddha was a image i recognised immediately as i already had a few little Buddha's and had always had a little interest in eastern philosophies. I then off something called Freecycle was able to pick up 25 mint condition books on Buddhism, i read a few but admittedly the task of reading them all is mammoth! I was then kindly bought The Art of Self Realization, the words of The Divine Grace Srila Prabhupada. This opened my eyes and brought with it a feeling of fullness and excitement. Still now if i think of Krishna i become a little excited, a feeling of joy comes from deep within and i feel it colour my cheeks. Krishna is my lord, i serve him in the best way i can and make the lives of others happy and to serve my brother's and sister's. I am a compassionate soul now, offering all i have, even if it means i am left with nothing. I was a selfish and hedonistic woman, i made a lot of mistakes but i do feel now that Krishna has shined his light down upon me, giving me my wonderful partner, Dale, who saved me from my decrepit life. My friends, oh my joyous friends, i live for the days i spend with them, i have few friends but those i do have i hold very dear and special. My family, the loving embrace one can get from a family, but its not always been easy, i forgive those who hurt me and i beg for forgiveness from them, i lay down everything to those whom i have hurt, i ask not to be punished but to be embraced and encouraged to learn from those mistakes and to carry on forward through my life now as a bhaktini of Krishna, where i will avoid conflict and handle affairs correctly and with care and thought.
Surrendering myself has been hard, i am a intelligent and scientific as well as very analytical. My head tells me don't be silly god and angels on fluffy clouds doesn't exist but my heart knows different, it knows how happy and fulfilled i am since finding Krishna.
There are many things that all need to be changed before i can make myself a complete devotee. I need to give up all intoxicating substances, stop eating that 1 piece of meat i eat a week lol smoking, I've cut down to only 20 every 2 days, but i do smoke spliffs as well....i need to make some changes that tbh needed to be done anyway.
I am done with the dirty. This Franny lives life looking up and reaching out! I found happiness and it comes in the form of Krishna!
Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna
Krishna, Krishna, Hare, Hare
Hare Rama, Hare Rama,
Rama, Rama, Hare, Hare
Namste!
xxx
Now i feel i need to shed a bit of light on my spirituality...i mention it but not delved into detail with it.
I came from a church of England background, although not practising. At 15 i discovered wicca & paganism, i studied hard for a year or so, writing stuff down from books, casting little spells etc. My mother found out and went ballistic, needless to say i did not feel i could step down the spiritual path i wanted so sort of gave up on it. I tried to practice at least being green and a bit of a hippy. It wasn't until 2 years ago i felt it was my time to take on the difficult task of finding out who i am inside, spiritually.
I went straight back to Wicca and Paganism, finding my roots again and again starting to practice and being active about educating myself. Well about a year ago i bought a book cheap called the guide to buddhism, it told the history of it all, its principles, practices etc and i found myself particularly drawn to Buddha. Buddha was a image i recognised immediately as i already had a few little Buddha's and had always had a little interest in eastern philosophies. I then off something called Freecycle was able to pick up 25 mint condition books on Buddhism, i read a few but admittedly the task of reading them all is mammoth! I was then kindly bought The Art of Self Realization, the words of The Divine Grace Srila Prabhupada. This opened my eyes and brought with it a feeling of fullness and excitement. Still now if i think of Krishna i become a little excited, a feeling of joy comes from deep within and i feel it colour my cheeks. Krishna is my lord, i serve him in the best way i can and make the lives of others happy and to serve my brother's and sister's. I am a compassionate soul now, offering all i have, even if it means i am left with nothing. I was a selfish and hedonistic woman, i made a lot of mistakes but i do feel now that Krishna has shined his light down upon me, giving me my wonderful partner, Dale, who saved me from my decrepit life. My friends, oh my joyous friends, i live for the days i spend with them, i have few friends but those i do have i hold very dear and special. My family, the loving embrace one can get from a family, but its not always been easy, i forgive those who hurt me and i beg for forgiveness from them, i lay down everything to those whom i have hurt, i ask not to be punished but to be embraced and encouraged to learn from those mistakes and to carry on forward through my life now as a bhaktini of Krishna, where i will avoid conflict and handle affairs correctly and with care and thought.
Surrendering myself has been hard, i am a intelligent and scientific as well as very analytical. My head tells me don't be silly god and angels on fluffy clouds doesn't exist but my heart knows different, it knows how happy and fulfilled i am since finding Krishna.
There are many things that all need to be changed before i can make myself a complete devotee. I need to give up all intoxicating substances, stop eating that 1 piece of meat i eat a week lol smoking, I've cut down to only 20 every 2 days, but i do smoke spliffs as well....i need to make some changes that tbh needed to be done anyway.
I am done with the dirty. This Franny lives life looking up and reaching out! I found happiness and it comes in the form of Krishna!
Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna
Krishna, Krishna, Hare, Hare
Hare Rama, Hare Rama,
Rama, Rama, Hare, Hare
Namste!
xxx
Tuesday 7 September 2010
Prescriptions
Another trip to the doctors tomorrow for more medicine :( i am pretty bored and i don't think I've ever disclosed my full prescription list and what it is for, so here goes....
Lantus solostar - Long lasting insulin for my diabetes - 80 units a night
Novarapid - fast acting insulin - 30 units after every meal
Microbial skin wash - For severe acne on my legs and bum
antibiotics - Acne - 4 200mg a day
Scalp treatment shampoo - For itchy scalp
Dalacin-T - Acne
Lamotragine - Mood stabiliser - 400mg
Escitlapram - Anti-depressant - 75mg
Duloxetine - Anti-depressant - 240mg
Trifluperazine - Anti psychotic - 2mg
Zopiclone - sleeping tablets - 7.5mg
That's it for now but they may be starting me on cholesterol tablets as i have a reading of 10.9, the norm being about 4 or lower.
It's surprising i am still alive! I do think to a degree i am being held together with elastic bands and sticky tape! lol
A little update on my health at the moment;
I have lost 4kg in 2 months. Not bad seeing as i ain't really trying any more....
My final assessment for my stomach banding is in January. I think this is the final one anyway! i do hope so!
My diabetes is pretty much stable it seems, so no more increases in insulin.
I am being reviewed by my psychiatrist in a month or so, my CPN thinks i need to have some of my prescription changed and added too.
I've got so many niggles and pains from the main issue, weight. I can't walk for anything longer than half hour without having to lay down for a few hours cause i become in excruciating pain with my back. I'm fed up of being asked when i am due, being told i am pregnant since i was about 19 is starting to grate, especially seeing as i can't actually have kids.
Ah the kids issue, i have decided i don't want to be a mother and that if i wanted ot get pregnant i would have to go through a lot of procedures and stuff, i just don't want that. I am destined not to have kids, perhaps one day i will be in a position to adopt or foster, which seems much more appealing to me. Any way i am going to ask my doctor about getting a full hysterectomy. It's a big decision and i have thought long and hard for a couple of years now and i feel that it is time to get it sorted. I have poly cystic ovaries which means i haven't had a regular period since the age of 16. My last period was over a year a go. Those bits down there cause a lot of problems and if we could eradicate the poly cystic ovaries then i would perhaps lose more weight and also be able to be treated hormonally.
seems to make sense to me and Dale is ok with it all. It's sad i know and believe me i have cried over it but alas to be a genetic mother is not meant to be, I've got weak genes anyway lol
Right, I'm off, i just wanted something to do for 10 mins! lol xxx
Lantus solostar - Long lasting insulin for my diabetes - 80 units a night
Novarapid - fast acting insulin - 30 units after every meal
Microbial skin wash - For severe acne on my legs and bum
antibiotics - Acne - 4 200mg a day
Scalp treatment shampoo - For itchy scalp
Dalacin-T - Acne
Lamotragine - Mood stabiliser - 400mg
Escitlapram - Anti-depressant - 75mg
Duloxetine - Anti-depressant - 240mg
Trifluperazine - Anti psychotic - 2mg
Zopiclone - sleeping tablets - 7.5mg
That's it for now but they may be starting me on cholesterol tablets as i have a reading of 10.9, the norm being about 4 or lower.
It's surprising i am still alive! I do think to a degree i am being held together with elastic bands and sticky tape! lol
A little update on my health at the moment;
I have lost 4kg in 2 months. Not bad seeing as i ain't really trying any more....
My final assessment for my stomach banding is in January. I think this is the final one anyway! i do hope so!
My diabetes is pretty much stable it seems, so no more increases in insulin.
I am being reviewed by my psychiatrist in a month or so, my CPN thinks i need to have some of my prescription changed and added too.
I've got so many niggles and pains from the main issue, weight. I can't walk for anything longer than half hour without having to lay down for a few hours cause i become in excruciating pain with my back. I'm fed up of being asked when i am due, being told i am pregnant since i was about 19 is starting to grate, especially seeing as i can't actually have kids.
Ah the kids issue, i have decided i don't want to be a mother and that if i wanted ot get pregnant i would have to go through a lot of procedures and stuff, i just don't want that. I am destined not to have kids, perhaps one day i will be in a position to adopt or foster, which seems much more appealing to me. Any way i am going to ask my doctor about getting a full hysterectomy. It's a big decision and i have thought long and hard for a couple of years now and i feel that it is time to get it sorted. I have poly cystic ovaries which means i haven't had a regular period since the age of 16. My last period was over a year a go. Those bits down there cause a lot of problems and if we could eradicate the poly cystic ovaries then i would perhaps lose more weight and also be able to be treated hormonally.
seems to make sense to me and Dale is ok with it all. It's sad i know and believe me i have cried over it but alas to be a genetic mother is not meant to be, I've got weak genes anyway lol
Right, I'm off, i just wanted something to do for 10 mins! lol xxx
Monday 6 September 2010
drugs....they are bad....
I take drugs, all sorts, in my time i've prolly popped well over a 1000 pills, snorted through at least a few kilos of coke, stuck research chems in me, taken funny looking liquids, I've even done heroin.
I love drugs. I always have and always will i think. I enjoy the rush, the excitement, the love oh and dancing! I've only ever been into alcohol once in the same way, i was necking 2 litres of vodka a day, this was only cause i wasn't using drugs. The most damage I've done to myself was a bout of a year of drinking like a fish, drinking till i passed out, drinking till i pissed the bed...i was a mess.
Now I've done excess in drugs, ive taken so many i couldn't stand, move or talk. I've k holed with the best of them, puked in a shoe and fell over. you know what i wouldn't take back those memories for no one, the drink, the slagginess that comes with it, forget it, its something i truly regret and wish to never repeat, hence why i am drink free. that's right i am a tee-teetotaller. I cannot stand drink, i hate the smell, the behaviour whilst drunk, every aspect of it is shit. Now you may think about that with drugs, i suspect some of you are massive prudes about drugs and that's fine but remember how much damage is done by drink and how much is done by drugs...think how many die each year due to drink and ho many die due to drugs? too many is the answer and handful of deaths that are drug related.
I smoke weed every day, in fact i am trying ot cut out real cigs to just become a pot head. I am hating smoking tobacco it makes me feel icky now and i used to love smoking! So eventually i will be nicotine free! I love weed, it makes me creative, calm and more at ease with the world. It almost completely stops my anxiety issues and eradicates my self loathing. Now you tell me that isn't a positive thing?
Now i have done psychological damage with drugs as well as a bit of nerve damage. I will admit to that but that is my own fault and most of the damage was during the excess years. So yes i take a lot of medication to put right what damage life and drugs has done. I lived a hedonistic and selfish lifestyle for many years and i paid for that choice, in more ways than one.
Still drug fuelled sessions are remembered, random acts, a lot of love and care and friendships that have stood the test of time, all down to a mutual love of drugs.
Myself, i love my highs, i never got the downers. I much prefer ot be energetic, bouncing around, dancing and general feelings of complete joy. I've experienced mind blowing effects thanks to drugs. I've seen things that are way more interesting thanks to not having beer goggles on. I've spoken to gods, visited cartoon worlds, slipped through wormholes and always, always made it back so far!
I love being happy, drugs create happiness in me, gives me the boost i need, the confidence i so desperately crave.
I've had problems with drugs meaning i became an addict. My great weakness is the dirty seductress, cocaine. I love coke, i can do it at any time of day and it fits into life really well. It's social, its fun and most of addictive. I became addicted to coke at about 18, i met a man in a club he gave me loads of coke and took me to his where i pretty much stayed for the next 2 weeks, off my face and slowly losing it. He began 'lending' me out to his friends, this was of course payment for my coke. i cleaned up after a few months and didn't take any for a few years. Then at 20 i became an escort, i had a lot of cash. i met a client who was a dealer and that was that, i was back on the coke. again the white had taken over. Coke is a dangerous drug, its highly unlikely to die from it but will cause so much untold damage. I still love it but i only have it on special occasions and if the situation arises. i rarely buy it cause i know how easy it is to fall under her spell. At my height of cocaine taking i was buying a half ounce every 3 days, i bought a bag of 100 pills on a friday which lasted till monday. Yeah i took a lot of drugs....
Now i don't push drugs and i always tell them about the bad sides, but i do tell them about the good sides. I will never force someone to take drugs, never.
Now for a few rules;
* drugs are bad
* do not push drugs, if someone says no it means it
* don't sell anything for drugs, including your body
* be prepared, it could always go wrong so take precautions
* Tell someone what you are taking, how much etc again just incase something happens
* Do not mix drugs and drink, its a recipe for disaster
* Don't chase the high, accept what you got and enjoy it. Chasing your first high will never result ot anything but addiction and problems.
* don't lose it - losing it and unable ot control who you are is dangerous. keep an eye on your behaviour on drugs and try and adjust where you can.
* Stay calm - the likelihood as much as you think your dying, your prolly not. Take a chill pill and relax, get a drink of water and if you can something to eat and rest.
* Wear something comfortable
* drugs make you forgetful so don't try and cook yourself a big meal it will end in a burnt out kitchen
* drink water - it hydrates you and also gives you a little bit of focus
* do it with friends - don't do drugs on your own its a bad idea, take it with friends and if possible have one friend who is staying sober in case owt goes wrong.
* think happy
* if your on medication, it may be worth just checking on the net about the medication and any reactions noted when taking illegal substances.
*be safe and be sensible!
Drugs are not the be all and end all of a party but its a friendly one when people are on drugs!
I am willing to talk to anyone who wants to know about drugs, there effects etc I am a hardcore drug taker and have come across most stuff and always willing ot try more!
Good Times! xxx
Tell me that's not a happy man?
I love drugs. I always have and always will i think. I enjoy the rush, the excitement, the love oh and dancing! I've only ever been into alcohol once in the same way, i was necking 2 litres of vodka a day, this was only cause i wasn't using drugs. The most damage I've done to myself was a bout of a year of drinking like a fish, drinking till i passed out, drinking till i pissed the bed...i was a mess.
Now I've done excess in drugs, ive taken so many i couldn't stand, move or talk. I've k holed with the best of them, puked in a shoe and fell over. you know what i wouldn't take back those memories for no one, the drink, the slagginess that comes with it, forget it, its something i truly regret and wish to never repeat, hence why i am drink free. that's right i am a tee-teetotaller. I cannot stand drink, i hate the smell, the behaviour whilst drunk, every aspect of it is shit. Now you may think about that with drugs, i suspect some of you are massive prudes about drugs and that's fine but remember how much damage is done by drink and how much is done by drugs...think how many die each year due to drink and ho many die due to drugs? too many is the answer and handful of deaths that are drug related.
I smoke weed every day, in fact i am trying ot cut out real cigs to just become a pot head. I am hating smoking tobacco it makes me feel icky now and i used to love smoking! So eventually i will be nicotine free! I love weed, it makes me creative, calm and more at ease with the world. It almost completely stops my anxiety issues and eradicates my self loathing. Now you tell me that isn't a positive thing?
Now i have done psychological damage with drugs as well as a bit of nerve damage. I will admit to that but that is my own fault and most of the damage was during the excess years. So yes i take a lot of medication to put right what damage life and drugs has done. I lived a hedonistic and selfish lifestyle for many years and i paid for that choice, in more ways than one.
Still drug fuelled sessions are remembered, random acts, a lot of love and care and friendships that have stood the test of time, all down to a mutual love of drugs.
Myself, i love my highs, i never got the downers. I much prefer ot be energetic, bouncing around, dancing and general feelings of complete joy. I've experienced mind blowing effects thanks to drugs. I've seen things that are way more interesting thanks to not having beer goggles on. I've spoken to gods, visited cartoon worlds, slipped through wormholes and always, always made it back so far!
I love being happy, drugs create happiness in me, gives me the boost i need, the confidence i so desperately crave.
I've had problems with drugs meaning i became an addict. My great weakness is the dirty seductress, cocaine. I love coke, i can do it at any time of day and it fits into life really well. It's social, its fun and most of addictive. I became addicted to coke at about 18, i met a man in a club he gave me loads of coke and took me to his where i pretty much stayed for the next 2 weeks, off my face and slowly losing it. He began 'lending' me out to his friends, this was of course payment for my coke. i cleaned up after a few months and didn't take any for a few years. Then at 20 i became an escort, i had a lot of cash. i met a client who was a dealer and that was that, i was back on the coke. again the white had taken over. Coke is a dangerous drug, its highly unlikely to die from it but will cause so much untold damage. I still love it but i only have it on special occasions and if the situation arises. i rarely buy it cause i know how easy it is to fall under her spell. At my height of cocaine taking i was buying a half ounce every 3 days, i bought a bag of 100 pills on a friday which lasted till monday. Yeah i took a lot of drugs....
Now i don't push drugs and i always tell them about the bad sides, but i do tell them about the good sides. I will never force someone to take drugs, never.
Now for a few rules;
* drugs are bad
* do not push drugs, if someone says no it means it
* don't sell anything for drugs, including your body
* be prepared, it could always go wrong so take precautions
* Tell someone what you are taking, how much etc again just incase something happens
* Do not mix drugs and drink, its a recipe for disaster
* Don't chase the high, accept what you got and enjoy it. Chasing your first high will never result ot anything but addiction and problems.
* don't lose it - losing it and unable ot control who you are is dangerous. keep an eye on your behaviour on drugs and try and adjust where you can.
* Stay calm - the likelihood as much as you think your dying, your prolly not. Take a chill pill and relax, get a drink of water and if you can something to eat and rest.
* Wear something comfortable
* drugs make you forgetful so don't try and cook yourself a big meal it will end in a burnt out kitchen
* drink water - it hydrates you and also gives you a little bit of focus
* do it with friends - don't do drugs on your own its a bad idea, take it with friends and if possible have one friend who is staying sober in case owt goes wrong.
* think happy
* if your on medication, it may be worth just checking on the net about the medication and any reactions noted when taking illegal substances.
*be safe and be sensible!
Drugs are not the be all and end all of a party but its a friendly one when people are on drugs!
I am willing to talk to anyone who wants to know about drugs, there effects etc I am a hardcore drug taker and have come across most stuff and always willing ot try more!
Good Times! xxx
Wednesday 1 September 2010
imagination....
Lay back feel the dew from the grass dampen your skin, glistening in the bright sunshine. You feel the grass bouncing up, flicking at your arms.
There is a light warm breeze flowing right over you, slightly rustling your clothes. You lay there still, the world is silent bar the rustle of the bright green leaves over your head, the occassionaly gust of wind...nothing, silence.
Your eyes open, taking in your surroundings, feeling at ease and happy in your enviroment. The trees stand tall above you, reaching up into the sky, all the years of wisdom being shown through every branch, every crinkle of bark. Hear the sweet music of a bird, high up in the trees a flash of blue, its song so pretty and cheerful.
The sun beating down on your damp skin, you get goosebumps, a slight shiver runs through you....it was a moment its gone and now your warming up, the yellow cast on the day that occurs early morning, the light dappled by the trees.
You find yourself relaxing, feeling at one and fond of nature and the wonderful setting you are in, this is your happy place. You close your eyes for what feels like a second but you seem to have gone into eternity. Your breathing becoming clearer and deeper, concentrating on each breath, your mind completely focused.
Your eyes closed, you take deep breaths in, filling your nose with the fresh and fragrant smell of jasmine. Each breath sends love rushing through your body. The light cascading down on your body, filling you with light and warmth. The feeling of being everything but at the same time nothing. You are lost, beautiful skies of clear blue, dotted with the fluffy, feathery clouds. the fresh breeze gently washing past your skin.
Your heart filling with love, imagine brightly coloured sparkling energy rushing through you, breathing new life into you, Cleansing your energy points, making them bright and clear. Opening your heart to love and joy.
As you come round, you slowly move your fingers, touching the grass lightly and brushing off a ladybird thats been crawling on your arm. Open your eyes and feel how good you feel, rested, happy and most of all loved.
Don't know where that came from.......xxx
There is a light warm breeze flowing right over you, slightly rustling your clothes. You lay there still, the world is silent bar the rustle of the bright green leaves over your head, the occassionaly gust of wind...nothing, silence.
Your eyes open, taking in your surroundings, feeling at ease and happy in your enviroment. The trees stand tall above you, reaching up into the sky, all the years of wisdom being shown through every branch, every crinkle of bark. Hear the sweet music of a bird, high up in the trees a flash of blue, its song so pretty and cheerful.
The sun beating down on your damp skin, you get goosebumps, a slight shiver runs through you....it was a moment its gone and now your warming up, the yellow cast on the day that occurs early morning, the light dappled by the trees.
You find yourself relaxing, feeling at one and fond of nature and the wonderful setting you are in, this is your happy place. You close your eyes for what feels like a second but you seem to have gone into eternity. Your breathing becoming clearer and deeper, concentrating on each breath, your mind completely focused.
Your eyes closed, you take deep breaths in, filling your nose with the fresh and fragrant smell of jasmine. Each breath sends love rushing through your body. The light cascading down on your body, filling you with light and warmth. The feeling of being everything but at the same time nothing. You are lost, beautiful skies of clear blue, dotted with the fluffy, feathery clouds. the fresh breeze gently washing past your skin.
Your heart filling with love, imagine brightly coloured sparkling energy rushing through you, breathing new life into you, Cleansing your energy points, making them bright and clear. Opening your heart to love and joy.
As you come round, you slowly move your fingers, touching the grass lightly and brushing off a ladybird thats been crawling on your arm. Open your eyes and feel how good you feel, rested, happy and most of all loved.
Don't know where that came from.......xxx
Just to cheer you up.....
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