What's going on?

What's going on you say? Honestly nothing to write home about....well i don't know actually this may get interesting....hold on.....

Let's talk about the state of my head.....I've been depressed for weeks, not severe, well in places its been severe but just a general everything is complete shit depression...Dale's the same apart from his depression has lasted for months :( Now you may think well perhaps its being together that makes you depressed, what's the point? Well weirdly me and dale are getting along better than we have done for some time, so its not that....
I only seem to be happy when im stoned, that's terrible but it eases off the crap in my life, Makes me feel better, more creative, more happy. Why stop? would you?
I'm doing more shoots than ever, ive got bookings for next year already, sadly only a couple of actual paid shoots, but more for the portfolio! Working hard at perfecting my style, been a few balls up's but getting there....
My family are pretty much silent apart from my sister. That's shit..I'm forgotten about most of the time.
Friendships have been ended, rekindled and started. That's good, getting the crap from my life out, people who cause me issues get removed from my life very quickly. I have no time for lies and drama. Some of my friendships are a bit stretched at the moment i feel, but i could just be paranoid...
Money the fucking bane of my life. Well we ain't got any. Simple as that really lol I've lost weight cause im simply not eating. i have 2 meals a day, tomato soup with 2 slices of bread, no butter, not got any and evening i have pasta and tuna..maybe a little treat like a choc bar once or twice a week but that's pretty much been my diet for nearly a month.
Things ain't looking good at all.
I think that's my main stress, its covering bills, debts and such, robbing peter to pay paul.....

i seem sort of stuck, everything is sticking in the same place and i don't like it, not one bloody bit!

I've got the psychiatrist on the 13th, new meds they reckon and a more permanent solution to my sleeplessness. Got the sleep clinic in December too, another step for my banding....banding in January and hopefully it wont be too long ot wait for an op date. im desperate for this to start moving, i feel so old and fat and i want a new lease of life! I've been having a few hypos recently, not good. im simply not eating enough :( reckon i need another tooth out too :((

Everything is just really shit at the moment....nothing traumatising but enough ot keep me under my little black cloud.

I've been contemplating suicide a lot recently. I've been so low and see no point in my life carrying on. That sucks arse completely.

Think that's about it, prolly do another one soon though, let you know what's happening...

Much love xxx

end times

i am in the depths of a depression. A big one at that, its been on the cards for a week or so. That knot in my stomach and increasing urge for theworld to stop.

I am so confused with whats real and whats not. I know ive heard something for certain but then when i confront that person and quote it, they have no idea what im talking about, but im so certain but its happening more often that things i think ive heard are inthe end a product of my own brain.
I am distinctly lacking connection between my brain....i have a problem you see... i have what i consider 2 brains one is like the metal brain a sane and sensible side, then the rest is just a confused bundle of charchters and emotions that are so varied. the metal brain tried to control it most of the time but in moments like these its gone, nothing controls it and my paranoia, self hate and i question reality and sanity.  Everything seems so far away, i feel im sinking into a hole that is pretty much always been tryingot suck me in.
i dont know who iam, i dont know what makes me happy, whats makes me unhappy everything is such a mess in there.

i feel like i am dying. i know this sounds stupid but i am obsessed by it, i feel its lurking round every corner. i dread car rides cause i think we are going ot crash constantly, i hate the outside world anywhere outside my comfort zone has now been negated completely. i feel like my own body is failing completely, its old and useless. i struggle with everything and im fed up of my physical life completely. I want ot be free of all my illnesses i want to be free from the aches and pains. to just be free, harm and pain free.
im worried dale will snap one day and kill me, only so much someone can take of me, im obviously a crazy and well he doesnt blow up, he doesnt notice it most of the time, not that i know of. i get no care and affection in these dark days, so i assume he either doesnt care or doesnt notice, either way its not good and well i could do something and it makes him flip.
I wont have the flu vaccine as i dont want them to inject me with anything, it may contain somesort of tracker or something they are trialling. i dont know whats in them, so wont have it.
ive thought about hunger striking, if i dont eat then i will go into a coma, due to my diabetes. just switch me the fuck off please.
ive been planning my funeral alot recently. things are known that i want now and how it has to be.


i know its terribly selfish but you dont put up with me every day for the last 27 years, everything is a struggle. people i love twist things out of nothing and cause people to be bitter and not love me. people who i need ot love me, ignore me. they were my only reason not to do it, but i dont think they care anymore.

i really am ill, i can see me slipping and i dont know if i want to save myself anymore. ive broken so many times i see little point.

ah well.....noone understands my head, if i dont you wont but there is logic there somewhere where i dont know but some sort of tiwsted logic and understanding is there.

end times, is it the end of time? i dont know. lets hope so.....xxxx