end times

i am in the depths of a depression. A big one at that, its been on the cards for a week or so. That knot in my stomach and increasing urge for theworld to stop.

I am so confused with whats real and whats not. I know ive heard something for certain but then when i confront that person and quote it, they have no idea what im talking about, but im so certain but its happening more often that things i think ive heard are inthe end a product of my own brain.
I am distinctly lacking connection between my brain....i have a problem you see... i have what i consider 2 brains one is like the metal brain a sane and sensible side, then the rest is just a confused bundle of charchters and emotions that are so varied. the metal brain tried to control it most of the time but in moments like these its gone, nothing controls it and my paranoia, self hate and i question reality and sanity.  Everything seems so far away, i feel im sinking into a hole that is pretty much always been tryingot suck me in.
i dont know who iam, i dont know what makes me happy, whats makes me unhappy everything is such a mess in there.

i feel like i am dying. i know this sounds stupid but i am obsessed by it, i feel its lurking round every corner. i dread car rides cause i think we are going ot crash constantly, i hate the outside world anywhere outside my comfort zone has now been negated completely. i feel like my own body is failing completely, its old and useless. i struggle with everything and im fed up of my physical life completely. I want ot be free of all my illnesses i want to be free from the aches and pains. to just be free, harm and pain free.
im worried dale will snap one day and kill me, only so much someone can take of me, im obviously a crazy and well he doesnt blow up, he doesnt notice it most of the time, not that i know of. i get no care and affection in these dark days, so i assume he either doesnt care or doesnt notice, either way its not good and well i could do something and it makes him flip.
I wont have the flu vaccine as i dont want them to inject me with anything, it may contain somesort of tracker or something they are trialling. i dont know whats in them, so wont have it.
ive thought about hunger striking, if i dont eat then i will go into a coma, due to my diabetes. just switch me the fuck off please.
ive been planning my funeral alot recently. things are known that i want now and how it has to be.


i know its terribly selfish but you dont put up with me every day for the last 27 years, everything is a struggle. people i love twist things out of nothing and cause people to be bitter and not love me. people who i need ot love me, ignore me. they were my only reason not to do it, but i dont think they care anymore.

i really am ill, i can see me slipping and i dont know if i want to save myself anymore. ive broken so many times i see little point.

ah well.....noone understands my head, if i dont you wont but there is logic there somewhere where i dont know but some sort of tiwsted logic and understanding is there.

end times, is it the end of time? i dont know. lets hope so.....xxxx