Tuesday 31 August 2010
Some of my graphic work
This is just a slide of the spiritual graphics i do. I find it focuses me and i have found a lot of people also love it and find it brings a bit of happiness to some.
xxx
a present friend...
Xander.
We met in Penrith at a party being held by a mutual friend. We didn't talk much but swapped numbers. We met a week or so after the party at his house, it was a bit odd cause Dale is chronically shy, as am i when meeting people for the first time not leathered! lol
Our first session was with mutual friend and we shared some white, smoked a bit and generally got on really well. More meetings incurred and we became good friends.
We then invited him up for a session and my god, we talked and talked till we were hoarse! We was up from about 7pm till about midday the next day! Jo said it was like verbal tennis but at high speed lol I fell in love a bit with Xander that night. I won't lie about it, i love Xander for everything he is and will be.
We hang about a lot with each other, sharing experiences some of them mind blowing! I see him as my best buddy, i would trust him with my life, it might be a bit shaky hehe but he would hold out for me! If i need cheering up, bringing out of my hole then he is there, always to pick me up and bring a smile to my face.
Recently, there was a test of friendship really, a lot of nonsense about nonsense and friends were lost, hopefully not forever but for now we are better apart.
Xander met Maya. This was really against my wishes and was a little bit suspicious about Xander's actions. Maya btw is 16, Xander is 27. My gripe with the whole thing is that she was too young, immature and going ot be a massive problem. I met her and didn't like her, sorry Maya, i love you to pieces now though!
She was going ot get Xander into a lot of trouble i felt, her previous was she drew a knife on someone. Not good.
Then it became apparent that she was not liked by members of Xander's house. Admittedly I slagged Maya off a bit to start with, she wasn't really pulling her weight and i felt she was taking the piss a bit. Thing is she is a kid in a grown up's world, it's hard and she needed help.
They started to come to ours every weekend and she soon calmed down, took interest in cooking and cleaning and well it all started there!
She got a job, started looking after Xander a bit better and i was happy, i could trust her.
Xander is a very special person, someone who i consider to be a soul mate, a kindred spirit. I don't want to fuck Xander lol it is purely a platonic friendship with a lot of love going on.
I want Xander ot have the best life he can, he deserves it.
His other housemate moved out recently and the house is all X's and Maya's. We have turned that place around! it is sparkling and organised. It also seems Xander is taking pride in his home and that my friend makes me hugely happy.
When i first met Xander he was obviously depressed massively and lacked lustre a bit. Today there is a man who has a beautiful girlfriend, a lovely home and at least 2 friends (dale & i) who will stand by him every step of the way. I will catch his fall and soften the blow for his ego! lol
There are still things to do, still little goals before Xander will have fully fledged and be one of mine mwahahaha!!
There is no two ways about it, Xander is made entirely of WIN!!!
I've shared as much as i can in the year we've known each other, we know all we need to know really, i think. I can turn to X and be comforted, i hope he feels that way about me too.
A true soul mate, a man after my own heart. Passionate, crazy and most of all now, happy.
I made a change to my life 6 months ago, to become more compassionate and to give without receiving, Xander has been on the receiving end of most of it. I want to give him everything i have and i don't want anything back.
I love you mate, like properly and i really hope we will never not be friends. I will stand by you forever, never faulting and being strong for you.
xxxxx
Monday 30 August 2010
What does my friendship say to you?
This one is going ot be about friendships, past, present and future!
I was never a popular child, always sat on the outskirts, never fitting in, not that i wanted to, to be honest though. I was a bit of a geek through school and sort of hung about with the geeky lot and the 'in crowd', mainly cause i smoked and had no one to talk too lol i lied a lot to the popular ones, they were all slags pretty much and i wasn't that way inclined. In fact last day of school i told a few that i had lied about losing my virginity, they all had lost theirs years ago, i had fiddled with boys up to 16 but little else. I in fact didn't lose my virginity till i was 16 and a half! lol
So yeah always been a bit odd.
I am never forgotten though. There are people who to me i touched briefly in a friendship but still think of me and look me up to this day. I have had lads go to my mums out after 8 years of not seeing each other, asking how i am!! how strange is that! lol
My past friendships have been strained, hard and fake. Very few have lasted the test of time. I have prolly 3 friendships that are real and true that have lasted more than 5 years. Dan, Anthony & Paul. Note they are all men lol in fact 2 of them are trannies too! lol
I want to tell you how i know at least one of them in full, ill choose Dan as well i love him so much.
Dan is the most beautiful person that i know. He is solid gold. We met through a tranny website, TVChix. I at the time was with Jane but we had started drifting apart and i was basically on the lookout. Dan caught my eye he was a goth tranny with a passion for BDSM. We met it didn't work out the way we thought, i just wasn't attracted to him in his male form. I was blatant and told him outright what my problem was and he respected that and said he would still like to be a friend. Well about a week later i had to test his friendship to its limit pretty much, this is a man I've known for like 2 months and met once. My sisters partner kicked me out, he was fed up of my drug use and general fuckedupness, so new years day i moved to Watford and lived with Dan. We shared a bedsit in a block that was filled with druggies and criminals. We shared a sofa bed for 4 months!!! we knew everything about each other. He became my brother, a true friend. He showed me what a friendship was really. He gave me some faith back in humanity.
My friendships up to then were very material and lasted as long as they could party for! I didn't have a stop button so the friendship would end and i would move onto someone else. I always needed a playmate, i didn't want to be alone. I let people use me in some pretty horrific ways as well as pretty much paying for their shit friendships.
Dan gave me a bit of my confidence back, picked me up after losing the one person i had ever loved and brushed me off. Went to hospital with me when i tried to drown myself, lent me cash to pay bills, fed me and basically made me a better person. I left Dan's capable of looking after myself and feeling lots better on the whole about life.
Dan is so special, I wish he would get a decent car so he could come up here! sharing a bed these days would be a momentous occasion and prolly a little bit weird as i am now with Dale.
We don't speak very often, but we send each other the odd text to say i love you and that we think about each other. I do i think of him a lot, think of all he did and does. He makes me giggle like a school kid, the only person i will wrestle with lol he truly is amazing and i am so lucky to have been able to share that short period of time with him.
I sit here now and i am a lucky lady. I have very few friends but the ones i consider close i would do anything for and they would do anything for me.
to be continued......
I was never a popular child, always sat on the outskirts, never fitting in, not that i wanted to, to be honest though. I was a bit of a geek through school and sort of hung about with the geeky lot and the 'in crowd', mainly cause i smoked and had no one to talk too lol i lied a lot to the popular ones, they were all slags pretty much and i wasn't that way inclined. In fact last day of school i told a few that i had lied about losing my virginity, they all had lost theirs years ago, i had fiddled with boys up to 16 but little else. I in fact didn't lose my virginity till i was 16 and a half! lol
So yeah always been a bit odd.
I am never forgotten though. There are people who to me i touched briefly in a friendship but still think of me and look me up to this day. I have had lads go to my mums out after 8 years of not seeing each other, asking how i am!! how strange is that! lol
My past friendships have been strained, hard and fake. Very few have lasted the test of time. I have prolly 3 friendships that are real and true that have lasted more than 5 years. Dan, Anthony & Paul. Note they are all men lol in fact 2 of them are trannies too! lol
I want to tell you how i know at least one of them in full, ill choose Dan as well i love him so much.
Dan is the most beautiful person that i know. He is solid gold. We met through a tranny website, TVChix. I at the time was with Jane but we had started drifting apart and i was basically on the lookout. Dan caught my eye he was a goth tranny with a passion for BDSM. We met it didn't work out the way we thought, i just wasn't attracted to him in his male form. I was blatant and told him outright what my problem was and he respected that and said he would still like to be a friend. Well about a week later i had to test his friendship to its limit pretty much, this is a man I've known for like 2 months and met once. My sisters partner kicked me out, he was fed up of my drug use and general fuckedupness, so new years day i moved to Watford and lived with Dan. We shared a bedsit in a block that was filled with druggies and criminals. We shared a sofa bed for 4 months!!! we knew everything about each other. He became my brother, a true friend. He showed me what a friendship was really. He gave me some faith back in humanity.
My friendships up to then were very material and lasted as long as they could party for! I didn't have a stop button so the friendship would end and i would move onto someone else. I always needed a playmate, i didn't want to be alone. I let people use me in some pretty horrific ways as well as pretty much paying for their shit friendships.
Dan gave me a bit of my confidence back, picked me up after losing the one person i had ever loved and brushed me off. Went to hospital with me when i tried to drown myself, lent me cash to pay bills, fed me and basically made me a better person. I left Dan's capable of looking after myself and feeling lots better on the whole about life.
Dan is so special, I wish he would get a decent car so he could come up here! sharing a bed these days would be a momentous occasion and prolly a little bit weird as i am now with Dale.
We don't speak very often, but we send each other the odd text to say i love you and that we think about each other. I do i think of him a lot, think of all he did and does. He makes me giggle like a school kid, the only person i will wrestle with lol he truly is amazing and i am so lucky to have been able to share that short period of time with him.
I sit here now and i am a lucky lady. I have very few friends but the ones i consider close i would do anything for and they would do anything for me.
to be continued......
Sunday 29 August 2010
Things i thought about yesterday....
A pretty average day, these are some of the things i think about.....i've decided ill try and keep note every day so you can see a little part of the daydream world i seem to live in!
- I have a 5mm x 2mm square of skin gone from the underside of my forearm. Now i had wondered what this was as it was such a weird place for me to cut myself and deeply and not have felt anything....odd. Now Dale is naughty he plays on my imagination and well i get confused with what i am supposed to think, this worries me. In the last year my mind is playing more tricks on me and i seem to be living in a world where real life is too much for me and i have kept myself inside a bubble, my world. It's warm and fuzzy with a hint of strange! I seriously believe in aliens, there is a mass of evidence behind it and i suppose i will discuss it with you at some point but that's a whole other post! Any way this hole, Dale suggested it may be from a implant from my 'friends', this stirred something inside and now thinking about it, it well could be they took a tissue sample. Now sanity does kick in somewhere cause i know this cannot be true but it bloody well is! Aggggghhhh! my two brains thing happens!! unable to decipher what the hell i think of it and the probabilities become endless....it is bizarre though.
- Whilst on the alien subject...Cumbria is massively active with craft. Dale and i have both seen strange lights in the sky, some bigger than others. Some are moving, some are static for nearly 20 mins....I'd like to spend the night up on Hartside summit watching the skies....they visit me regularly for downloading my cache of memories, thoughts and feelings....leaving me full of happiness and love. Something happens, i see them and they fix it, they make it all go away and i get a fresh slate.
- Giving up smoking. It's being doing my head in for about 6 months and its getting worse. Now i don't mind smoking spliffs but i am finding it increasingly annoying that i light a fag and half way through i either put it out or give it away. I LOVED smoking, i now think about the £50 we would save each week and how it would be better for me. I also promised my niece & my little sisters that i would give up...they don't want me to die. That scares me that they think about it. I think i'll visit the doctor at some point for some advice and some patches, lets kick this mutha!
- My Grandad. I miss him and think about him a lot.
- New tattoo....i need names on my hands, my stars need re-inking and and.....i basically want to be covered! lol
- Making cannabis legal. Its something i am quite passionate about. The benefits of making it legal total outweigh the negative. I really should become a active member of LCA....
- The corn in the fields looks like Farmville.
- Is the work i am putting in spiritually going to give me a good rebirth or perhaps obtain the holy grail, Enlightenment. My life has changed for the better, being the person i am now i derive so much pleasure and happiness from. Being kind and loving to all really does work. Passing on a smile is such a good way of sharing some love. Compassion is everything to me, to serve every sentient being is for me. It's a learning curve but selfless acts make franny happy as well as the rest of the world. I bring love and joy wherever i can. I let people have a safe part of my bubble to rest and be relaxed. Change is positive, we all need to change. Tiny steps is that is needed.
- Before i am 40 i will have earned my first cool £100,000. I will be living in Europe and own my house and eventually achieving the goal i set myself at well 7 or something, to buy my mum a house with a pool. lol This is all by the way being funded by my photography. I will be earning proper money from it....soon.
- I love my books. I have something like 70 books all on spirituality, mainly buddhism and Krishna concious stuff.
- Realising Dale and i are not typical Big Brother viewers. 3 callers all with stupid names like Shazzney. fucks sake....
Thursday 26 August 2010
Oi! low self confidence & photo shoots....
Hmmmmm, today i took some new photos of myself with the lovely Dale being the photographer. I HATE having my photo taken, what with the shadow of my beard, spots, fatness and just inelegant. Errghhh i hate it!
Weirdly though i know i don't take a bad photo, i used ot get paid to pose about for XXX magazines, it was all very ad-hoc and boring to be honest. Now i am a bit fatter and a bit more shy about my size and how i look to others. I worry constantly that someone will be judging me, well they will won't they?
I hate my belly, like really hate it. Its slowly been filling for the last 5 years, i look like i am ready to pop. The amount of times people have asked if i am pregnant. Its hard, stiff. It's not rolls of fat its like a pregnancy bump, completely solid. So photos showing me in full have to be very closely reviewed as certain shadows and stuff make it look worse. God i hate my body but at the same time i love it. I fully respect i am a big girl, most of the time i am in drab, jogging bottoms and a t-shirt, i rarely go anywhere that needs me looking at my best. I don't go to pubs or nightclubs cause i don't drink and i really dislike the fact i have to stand outside most of the night so i can smoke. Dale and i don't go on dinner dates or owt like that. We are pretty much indoors so i very rarely get to be made up and feel special.
I don't get many compliments of my old man either, it feels rather wasted when you get no response.
Next year this may all change, everything will change! I got my approval for either a banding or bypass of my stomach. This should be scheduled for middle of next year. I have got it purely on the grounds that my weight is severely effecting my health. If they give me the banding or bypass i will be non-diabetic almost immediately and will shift something like 3 stone in a couple of months. I so need it to be who i am, i want to go on long walks with my mates without my back giving in cause of the weight it has to carry, i want ot be able to buy items of clothes that show my figure off instead of hiding it. I know i will be left with skin etc but its nothing if i can walk and breathe and eat normally. I don't want to die, and right now i am fast tracking it.
Most women are insecure about themselves, if they tell you they ain't they are lying! Everyone has a grumble about something be it bums or tums.
I want to stress that because of my weight i have these things:
Type 1 diabetes
Severe acne - all over my body. This has left extensive scarring on my bottom half, i will never be able to wear a bikini. It doesn't help my main self abuse is to pick at these large spots, causing more scarring. I have to wash with a microbial wash to clear up infections as well as taking strong antibiotics.
Asthma - I get out of breath walking upstairs.
Cholesterol - at a nice 10.2 at the moment!!! its gone down by 4 since i first went ot the docs when we moved here.
Blood pressure - quite high, heart disease is in the family.
Back ache - i suffer really bad with my back, i can often be disabled by the pain.
Sleep - my sleep apnoea will go away and my snoring and position in bed will be better.
Weight - Honestly i will be thinner and healthier, wouldn't you want that? I do admit there are some vain reasons but all i want is to be normal.
Oh well that was depressing :( here's a couple of pics from today xxx
Weirdly though i know i don't take a bad photo, i used ot get paid to pose about for XXX magazines, it was all very ad-hoc and boring to be honest. Now i am a bit fatter and a bit more shy about my size and how i look to others. I worry constantly that someone will be judging me, well they will won't they?
I hate my belly, like really hate it. Its slowly been filling for the last 5 years, i look like i am ready to pop. The amount of times people have asked if i am pregnant. Its hard, stiff. It's not rolls of fat its like a pregnancy bump, completely solid. So photos showing me in full have to be very closely reviewed as certain shadows and stuff make it look worse. God i hate my body but at the same time i love it. I fully respect i am a big girl, most of the time i am in drab, jogging bottoms and a t-shirt, i rarely go anywhere that needs me looking at my best. I don't go to pubs or nightclubs cause i don't drink and i really dislike the fact i have to stand outside most of the night so i can smoke. Dale and i don't go on dinner dates or owt like that. We are pretty much indoors so i very rarely get to be made up and feel special.
I don't get many compliments of my old man either, it feels rather wasted when you get no response.
Next year this may all change, everything will change! I got my approval for either a banding or bypass of my stomach. This should be scheduled for middle of next year. I have got it purely on the grounds that my weight is severely effecting my health. If they give me the banding or bypass i will be non-diabetic almost immediately and will shift something like 3 stone in a couple of months. I so need it to be who i am, i want to go on long walks with my mates without my back giving in cause of the weight it has to carry, i want ot be able to buy items of clothes that show my figure off instead of hiding it. I know i will be left with skin etc but its nothing if i can walk and breathe and eat normally. I don't want to die, and right now i am fast tracking it.
Most women are insecure about themselves, if they tell you they ain't they are lying! Everyone has a grumble about something be it bums or tums.
I want to stress that because of my weight i have these things:
Type 1 diabetes
Severe acne - all over my body. This has left extensive scarring on my bottom half, i will never be able to wear a bikini. It doesn't help my main self abuse is to pick at these large spots, causing more scarring. I have to wash with a microbial wash to clear up infections as well as taking strong antibiotics.
Asthma - I get out of breath walking upstairs.
Cholesterol - at a nice 10.2 at the moment!!! its gone down by 4 since i first went ot the docs when we moved here.
Blood pressure - quite high, heart disease is in the family.
Back ache - i suffer really bad with my back, i can often be disabled by the pain.
Sleep - my sleep apnoea will go away and my snoring and position in bed will be better.
Weight - Honestly i will be thinner and healthier, wouldn't you want that? I do admit there are some vain reasons but all i want is to be normal.
Oh well that was depressing :( here's a couple of pics from today xxx
Monday 23 August 2010
Sex on a stick....
How god damn wrong is this photo! This was taken end of the 1920's, how risqué 3 nuns and a dog! Oh dear! All sorts of wrongness lol
Well hope you like them too! Any questions ask! xxxx
funeral & friends
Well, after all the drama i went down south for my grandad's funeral. To be honest i dn't really know i how i feel, i don't seem to have processed it. I know it made me incredibly sad and remembered how much he did for me and everyone else. He was a good husband to my nan and a good father to my mum and aunties. It was upsetting looking at his coffin and knowing my grandad laid in there, i wanted to go up and touch it, tell him how much i loved him. i know he knows that anyway but just wanted ot be close one last time.
It was however nice to see my family, to see chrissy (cousin) and my aunty hil, ive missed them so much. Feeling my aunty cuddling me again made me cry even more.
And onward, perhaps when ive thought about it more ill talk more, right now everything is still a bit raw and hiding it under the 'mask' is working for now.
Saturday......ah that seems a very long time ago. We went and picked up Maya and Xander for some 'quality' time. I love having them around, my best friends and the only ones who i implicitly trust ot have no other motive except good.
Well xander and i once again are playing with RC's, this one is a new 5-MeO-DALT, was good stuff lol
raving ot happy hardcore, cheesy trance and general hyperactive talk between xander and i, the tennis we play is fantastic, very rarely understood by others!
Xander being the total fag that he is decided the bathroom floor was the best place to be for 3 hours lol he quite literally felt as sick as a dog but tripping balls lol Maya pretty much fitting and acting like a spaz, whilst i was tripping and trying to come back down cause my friends needed me. managed to find some stability somewhere and we headed to the 'sanctuary' my room. the comfiest room if your into your chems, incense, ommani pad hum on the stereo, fairy lights, candles and when things started looking at needing a pick me up, i quoted some nice passages from the Gita. my bed is covered in pillows and is sooo comfy. was a little bit weird watching X and M rolling around saying they loved each other but it was also nice that they were happy, it was all going very wrong in the toilet. it got to about 8am and i decided i was ready for bed, i left them to it and think they crashed soon after, thing is i went to sleep for 20 hours!!!! with a half hour break to eat something at 9pm!
Overall if your into RC's, into your trips then get some of this stuff! it was very cool, lots of visuals, stimulant to start with and a massive feeling of happiness.
I know i shouldn't play with drugs, but you know what i am a big girl, played with drugs since 16 and am a very careful lady. I don't drink and tend to just drink water on drugs. playing safe but playing well is always on the cards!
Btw i totally claim xander as my wrecking buddy! he is amazing and i right now ive got a lump in my throat thinking how great he is and how much i truly love him (not in that way!) My best friend and a total faggot hehehe
Loves xxxx
It was however nice to see my family, to see chrissy (cousin) and my aunty hil, ive missed them so much. Feeling my aunty cuddling me again made me cry even more.
And onward, perhaps when ive thought about it more ill talk more, right now everything is still a bit raw and hiding it under the 'mask' is working for now.
Saturday......ah that seems a very long time ago. We went and picked up Maya and Xander for some 'quality' time. I love having them around, my best friends and the only ones who i implicitly trust ot have no other motive except good.
Well xander and i once again are playing with RC's, this one is a new 5-MeO-DALT, was good stuff lol
raving ot happy hardcore, cheesy trance and general hyperactive talk between xander and i, the tennis we play is fantastic, very rarely understood by others!
Xander being the total fag that he is decided the bathroom floor was the best place to be for 3 hours lol he quite literally felt as sick as a dog but tripping balls lol Maya pretty much fitting and acting like a spaz, whilst i was tripping and trying to come back down cause my friends needed me. managed to find some stability somewhere and we headed to the 'sanctuary' my room. the comfiest room if your into your chems, incense, ommani pad hum on the stereo, fairy lights, candles and when things started looking at needing a pick me up, i quoted some nice passages from the Gita. my bed is covered in pillows and is sooo comfy. was a little bit weird watching X and M rolling around saying they loved each other but it was also nice that they were happy, it was all going very wrong in the toilet. it got to about 8am and i decided i was ready for bed, i left them to it and think they crashed soon after, thing is i went to sleep for 20 hours!!!! with a half hour break to eat something at 9pm!
Overall if your into RC's, into your trips then get some of this stuff! it was very cool, lots of visuals, stimulant to start with and a massive feeling of happiness.
I know i shouldn't play with drugs, but you know what i am a big girl, played with drugs since 16 and am a very careful lady. I don't drink and tend to just drink water on drugs. playing safe but playing well is always on the cards!
Btw i totally claim xander as my wrecking buddy! he is amazing and i right now ive got a lump in my throat thinking how great he is and how much i truly love him (not in that way!) My best friend and a total faggot hehehe
Loves xxxx
Wednesday 18 August 2010
constant barrage.....
Today has been tiresome. I nearly fell out with my best friend because of his girlfriend, not deliberately causing trouble but did, if that makes sense.
Basically she promised to do something, look after the dogs while we go down south for my grandad's funeral. Thing is she piped up last night saying she couldn't do it for some real lame reasons, of course this made me angry but decided to sleep on it and deal with it in the morning. Basically i forgot hold old Maya was, it slips my mind these days, at the start she was very loud, childish and tbh a bit annoying. She has changed and become a bit older and matured only a little bit but its tiny steps forward.
She put me in predicament where i needed to go down south but have no one to look after the dogs, so poor dale is basically doing a 10 hour drive on Friday! he is amazing and i love him so much.
Last few weeks i wouldn't have known what to do without him. My idoicy earlier in the month is long forgotten. i know exactly what i want and that's my Dale. He's stopped me going mad i suppose. In all honesty i think i would be part of the tin hat brigade if i was left alone.
It scares me the fact i am so reliant on Dale and have lost a large amount of my independence. I used to pride myself on that, able to get out and about on my own, feeling confident and strong. 5 years in my life have changed me completely. I know scurry down a street, hiding my face where i can and avoiding eye contact. Paranoid about what people are thinking and looking at me. I still cannot eat in public places, it fills me with complete dread. I like wandering about shops but i just cant do it for very long, i become to annoyed, angry, confused and lost. That is really sad, that this once party girl, life and soul of any party going is now a woman, dressed in plain clothes, no make up any more and just avoiding all contact i can.
I know that person exists somewhere underneath all this, but she's buried deep and as much as i dig the rain pulls the dirt back in. So much of my personality is hidden, albeit wisely hidden. I really couldn't see me living over 35 at the rate i was going. Being a hedonist and a addict, is very exciting, very appealing but really its horrid, nights sleeping on floors, dirty underwear, no make up, nothing is ever clean, you live in a dirty world, you become the dirty girl.
I live a lot differently now, tending towards spiritual stuff, selfless acts and normality. Yeah i still play with drugs but it isn't often and i know my limits. i know its a risky game to play but its an escape from the norm, a release of a different beast i suppose. I don't drink very often as i get sad or angry and neither are pretty.
I used to be called selfish, i hope i am far from that nowadays. I try not to cling to material things and lead a reasonably happy life tbh, nothing really horrible happens, its pretty normal.
My love for Krishna is growing by the day and i am being more and more drawn to him and gaining more knowledge about him and his ideals, what i can do to become a better person, to become more complete, to feel the hand of Krishna during my times of trouble is wonderful and he is like a strong father, holding you tight and knowing he loves you. I don't know if that is part of hope or is part of a spiritual type breakthrough.
I know i have my 2 angels now in my aunty Jan and Grandad. They will look over me always.
Oh yeah, i got my grandad tattoo today, i've attached a pic. it will prolly need a bit of thickening up but its exactly what i wanted and im so happy with it. Lucky to have a tattooist as a friend, eh?
I just want to say too, i really love my friends, i am your servant at all times. I will do my utmost to protect, love and care for you. I don't have many friends, you know real ones lol, but those who are close are like family and especially as we are so isolated from family its nice to have such a cool group of friends who love us for us. We are truly blessed. Thank you xxx
Bright Blessings xxxxx
Basically she promised to do something, look after the dogs while we go down south for my grandad's funeral. Thing is she piped up last night saying she couldn't do it for some real lame reasons, of course this made me angry but decided to sleep on it and deal with it in the morning. Basically i forgot hold old Maya was, it slips my mind these days, at the start she was very loud, childish and tbh a bit annoying. She has changed and become a bit older and matured only a little bit but its tiny steps forward.
She put me in predicament where i needed to go down south but have no one to look after the dogs, so poor dale is basically doing a 10 hour drive on Friday! he is amazing and i love him so much.
Last few weeks i wouldn't have known what to do without him. My idoicy earlier in the month is long forgotten. i know exactly what i want and that's my Dale. He's stopped me going mad i suppose. In all honesty i think i would be part of the tin hat brigade if i was left alone.
It scares me the fact i am so reliant on Dale and have lost a large amount of my independence. I used to pride myself on that, able to get out and about on my own, feeling confident and strong. 5 years in my life have changed me completely. I know scurry down a street, hiding my face where i can and avoiding eye contact. Paranoid about what people are thinking and looking at me. I still cannot eat in public places, it fills me with complete dread. I like wandering about shops but i just cant do it for very long, i become to annoyed, angry, confused and lost. That is really sad, that this once party girl, life and soul of any party going is now a woman, dressed in plain clothes, no make up any more and just avoiding all contact i can.
I know that person exists somewhere underneath all this, but she's buried deep and as much as i dig the rain pulls the dirt back in. So much of my personality is hidden, albeit wisely hidden. I really couldn't see me living over 35 at the rate i was going. Being a hedonist and a addict, is very exciting, very appealing but really its horrid, nights sleeping on floors, dirty underwear, no make up, nothing is ever clean, you live in a dirty world, you become the dirty girl.
I live a lot differently now, tending towards spiritual stuff, selfless acts and normality. Yeah i still play with drugs but it isn't often and i know my limits. i know its a risky game to play but its an escape from the norm, a release of a different beast i suppose. I don't drink very often as i get sad or angry and neither are pretty.
I used to be called selfish, i hope i am far from that nowadays. I try not to cling to material things and lead a reasonably happy life tbh, nothing really horrible happens, its pretty normal.
My love for Krishna is growing by the day and i am being more and more drawn to him and gaining more knowledge about him and his ideals, what i can do to become a better person, to become more complete, to feel the hand of Krishna during my times of trouble is wonderful and he is like a strong father, holding you tight and knowing he loves you. I don't know if that is part of hope or is part of a spiritual type breakthrough.
I know i have my 2 angels now in my aunty Jan and Grandad. They will look over me always.
Oh yeah, i got my grandad tattoo today, i've attached a pic. it will prolly need a bit of thickening up but its exactly what i wanted and im so happy with it. Lucky to have a tattooist as a friend, eh?
I just want to say too, i really love my friends, i am your servant at all times. I will do my utmost to protect, love and care for you. I don't have many friends, you know real ones lol, but those who are close are like family and especially as we are so isolated from family its nice to have such a cool group of friends who love us for us. We are truly blessed. Thank you xxx
Bright Blessings xxxxx
Monday 16 August 2010
emptyiness is proving troublesome....
Right we all know i have depression etc. Thing is although i recognise the train of thoughts i am having, i dont feel right, like its something new and im being very wary of it.
Deep inside my heart is broken and i know i can only start the healing when the funeral is over.
Going ot be a hard couple of weeks i think. today was sooo boring, i fell asleep twice lol ive got nothing to do, i think of stuff but then can't be bothered.
So fed up of being fed up! lol
tbh i'll keep this one short, just wanted to show you the cards i am making ot put with my grandad once he has been cremated and is set for his burial in Drayton.
Hope you may find some comfort in the words, as much as i do xxxx
Deep inside my heart is broken and i know i can only start the healing when the funeral is over.
Going ot be a hard couple of weeks i think. today was sooo boring, i fell asleep twice lol ive got nothing to do, i think of stuff but then can't be bothered.
So fed up of being fed up! lol
tbh i'll keep this one short, just wanted to show you the cards i am making ot put with my grandad once he has been cremated and is set for his burial in Drayton.
Hope you may find some comfort in the words, as much as i do xxxx
Sunday 15 August 2010
curse the static!
I wish i could just sleep for a whole night. The ones where you are proper dead to the world, where your brain is completely shut off.
Tonight, is the first night in a while where i can't sleep, my brain is whirring around and there is too much noise. noise, i love it but at the same time, miss not having complete silence so all i can here is the stream babbling outside and the creak of branches.
I can't wait till i go to the doctors on Tuesday, My doctor will finally be back and able to give me all my drugs! i could just do with a couple of zopiclone right now :)
Just really fed up, i forget sometimes and smile and then i feel i need to be punished for it. i fucking hate depression. the depths it goes too and the confusion it puts me into. It feels like i cannot sleep cause of like a static noise constantly in my head, zooming and whirrings, clicking all of these working in layers creating this noise, all thoughts and answers, questions, theories....it just won't stop!
I had bad dreams last night and all i wanted to do when i woke from it was batter dale. its a good job i now wake quicker from these dreams, cause poor dale would be battered!
Xander and Maya are here for their last night, they are moving on so X can go back to work. Little sad they are going, they make me feel happy and a massive distraction to me.
I've made the sheet i am putting with grandad when he is buried after his cremation. it has the prayer of St. Francis on one side and on the other a verse from the bagavhad gita and a picture of arch angel Michael to look after him. going to get it laminated so it lasts a while. he is with Krishna now and will be rejoicing with him about his life, a magic moment with Krishna that will last a life time but merely a second would pass, then onward to another life to learn more and celebrate his love for the lord!
I have found my spirituality to be very handy during this time, i used wiccan practices with my aunty, yes they did the world of good. I feel more calm and restful now mentally so able to clear my thoughts and look at the good from the situation.
So much good has already happened since my grandad's death. Families reuniting and loving each other.
My grandad would be really happy that his 2 daughters are back together again after so long.
So gramps is riding high on my mind, also just my general feelings are a bit squiffy.
Depression is really shitty. my brain freezes and forgets what it just though of. the answers come but not to the right question. its so confusing.
Right I'm going to try and sleep...AGAIN.
Nighty Night xxxx
Tonight, is the first night in a while where i can't sleep, my brain is whirring around and there is too much noise. noise, i love it but at the same time, miss not having complete silence so all i can here is the stream babbling outside and the creak of branches.
I can't wait till i go to the doctors on Tuesday, My doctor will finally be back and able to give me all my drugs! i could just do with a couple of zopiclone right now :)
Just really fed up, i forget sometimes and smile and then i feel i need to be punished for it. i fucking hate depression. the depths it goes too and the confusion it puts me into. It feels like i cannot sleep cause of like a static noise constantly in my head, zooming and whirrings, clicking all of these working in layers creating this noise, all thoughts and answers, questions, theories....it just won't stop!
I had bad dreams last night and all i wanted to do when i woke from it was batter dale. its a good job i now wake quicker from these dreams, cause poor dale would be battered!
Xander and Maya are here for their last night, they are moving on so X can go back to work. Little sad they are going, they make me feel happy and a massive distraction to me.
I've made the sheet i am putting with grandad when he is buried after his cremation. it has the prayer of St. Francis on one side and on the other a verse from the bagavhad gita and a picture of arch angel Michael to look after him. going to get it laminated so it lasts a while. he is with Krishna now and will be rejoicing with him about his life, a magic moment with Krishna that will last a life time but merely a second would pass, then onward to another life to learn more and celebrate his love for the lord!
I have found my spirituality to be very handy during this time, i used wiccan practices with my aunty, yes they did the world of good. I feel more calm and restful now mentally so able to clear my thoughts and look at the good from the situation.
So much good has already happened since my grandad's death. Families reuniting and loving each other.
My grandad would be really happy that his 2 daughters are back together again after so long.
So gramps is riding high on my mind, also just my general feelings are a bit squiffy.
Depression is really shitty. my brain freezes and forgets what it just though of. the answers come but not to the right question. its so confusing.
Right I'm going to try and sleep...AGAIN.
Nighty Night xxxx
Mother's on drugs....
Good job someone else's life fell apart at the same time as mine! Its been really handy having them here distracting me from the shit that is going on in my head at the min.
Thing is my coping mechanism is now weed, so i am really stoned a lot of the time, but i know although not stopping it hurting, it is releiving me somewhat.
I play the mummy role quite well! Maya my adopted daughter lol keeping them 2 in check is all a mother could need! i think right now, i am just being there for them. despite my gripes with the whole situation, i refuse to let my friend down, he needed me so i was there to take the fall. i hope i have helped out, rather than hindered. the other party has made it clear now that i have sided but its not so cut and dry as that in my eyes.
Its ridiculous really.
I want everyone to get on. Taking in waifs and strays has been a common thing for me. i like people to feel better about themselves and to be happy. making people smile.
My love for my friends and family is really feeling strong and my grief must stand aside whilst i aid the people who are in need of comfort.
Really wish i could be a mummy, i might even be good at fostering teenagers. i don't know. xxx
Thing is my coping mechanism is now weed, so i am really stoned a lot of the time, but i know although not stopping it hurting, it is releiving me somewhat.
I play the mummy role quite well! Maya my adopted daughter lol keeping them 2 in check is all a mother could need! i think right now, i am just being there for them. despite my gripes with the whole situation, i refuse to let my friend down, he needed me so i was there to take the fall. i hope i have helped out, rather than hindered. the other party has made it clear now that i have sided but its not so cut and dry as that in my eyes.
Its ridiculous really.
I want everyone to get on. Taking in waifs and strays has been a common thing for me. i like people to feel better about themselves and to be happy. making people smile.
My love for my friends and family is really feeling strong and my grief must stand aside whilst i aid the people who are in need of comfort.
Really wish i could be a mummy, i might even be good at fostering teenagers. i don't know. xxx
Thursday 12 August 2010
My Grandad
My grandad died yesterday. he was very ill and had been for a long time, so we knew it was coming. He was 88 and apart from a couple of hospital visits he didnt move out of one room in 2 1/2 years.
I last saw him early in the year, i do not live near my home town, i live in Cumbria, my family in Oxfordshire. We spoke a lot bout times past, saying our sorry's, telling each other how we felt and how much we loved each other. I knew that was going ot be the last time and i think he did too. we both had tears in our eyes.
I don't remember my grandad as this ill man. I see the man that stood at 6 foot tall, a full head of silver held in place with cossack hairspray, that smell is my grandad. His car smelling of sick. the trips out, the little cuddles, his pat on the head. i will never feel him again. ill never smell him again, i won't see him again. im cying so much right now. i just want him back, back to my old grandad how he would want to be remembered, not the shell that he was in the hospital bed.
My grandad passed away at 4am, my friend Karen is clairvoyant and saw a man, a father figure stood over me at 4am. He came to me, to let me know.
He saved me from so much, he taught me so much. he really was the only one sometimes. he only wanted the best from me.
My grand parents are so much to me, i lived with them for 2 years, during a very difficult time. My grandad saw me as a daughter and i do feel a little bit closer to him.
i had 3 dads, pete, steve and bill.
I hope to get a tattoo on my wrist with a little cross and grandad. i just need him with me. to always be able to know he is there and i love him.
missing my grandad, it really really hurts. like so bad, i feel like being sick.
love you grandad xxxx
I last saw him early in the year, i do not live near my home town, i live in Cumbria, my family in Oxfordshire. We spoke a lot bout times past, saying our sorry's, telling each other how we felt and how much we loved each other. I knew that was going ot be the last time and i think he did too. we both had tears in our eyes.
I don't remember my grandad as this ill man. I see the man that stood at 6 foot tall, a full head of silver held in place with cossack hairspray, that smell is my grandad. His car smelling of sick. the trips out, the little cuddles, his pat on the head. i will never feel him again. ill never smell him again, i won't see him again. im cying so much right now. i just want him back, back to my old grandad how he would want to be remembered, not the shell that he was in the hospital bed.
My grandad passed away at 4am, my friend Karen is clairvoyant and saw a man, a father figure stood over me at 4am. He came to me, to let me know.
He saved me from so much, he taught me so much. he really was the only one sometimes. he only wanted the best from me.
My grand parents are so much to me, i lived with them for 2 years, during a very difficult time. My grandad saw me as a daughter and i do feel a little bit closer to him.
i had 3 dads, pete, steve and bill.
I hope to get a tattoo on my wrist with a little cross and grandad. i just need him with me. to always be able to know he is there and i love him.
missing my grandad, it really really hurts. like so bad, i feel like being sick.
love you grandad xxxx
Monday 9 August 2010
tell me what's your flavour? ooohhh
This is a message i received today and my replies, i just thought that it explained something important to me and said it so well. This is my view and don't push onto others but will happily talk about it with people.
Message i received: I only put that so you would know what I was talking about. I have the same belief system(with a side of chaotic to it) but is there a name for that or that YOUR beliefs.?
My reply:
Message i received: I only put that so you would know what I was talking about. I have the same belief system(with a side of chaotic to it) but is there a name for that or that YOUR beliefs.?
My reply:
i think the best belief system is love. love yourself and others and be compassionate and kind, if you can't give a situation positivity then stay out of it etc.
Telling someone you love them, whether it be your mum or a friend should hold something dear to them, even if on a subconscious level. love perpetuates itself among us, so just keep on giving.
i am very sceptical about special powers, spells and such stuff. I think that yes by doing these things it does do something, but i think its more of a subconscious thing within ourselves. If say my friend is having difficulties in life and i do a spell for her or a herb pillow or something, its prolly not the spell doing anything but its my love and care that are really healing the situation and the fact positivity breeds very quickly and she is finding her life more enjoyable.
I do think there is something in planetary alignments and stuff. i am a huge geek and i look at things very analytically and with scientific mind, its taken me a while to open my mind up and find solutions that are not carved out in stone.
of course some of it is nonsense and that's for you to make your mind up in regards too.
I read a lot of religious texts and books mainly on eastern religion and i find it to hold more water and more relative to my life. religions such as Hindu or Buddhist have moved with the people, adapting to suit all lives. unlike Christianity or Islam who are stuck by some archaic rules. Also i find western religion to be very fixed and almost focussed on what i have done and to be punished than taking in my experience and coming out a better person. Hinduism especially is about celebration of life and teaches us how to relate to our experiences in the best way.
Old vedic literature can be related very easily to today, it hasn't aged one bit. where as the bible has aged in its time and has become very obsolete.
i think the best thing is to focus on being happy and making sure everyone who contacts you from this point will leave my company that little bit more happy.
Also the biggest change I've made personally was that to be completely compassionate, to serve others where i can. Even if it means it will cost me, whether it is time or money, i will help anyone where i can now, regardless of the outcome.
Gaining satisfaction from doing a good deed is far superior to that the outcome is favourable to me, that satisfaction is material and manipulative.
lots of light and blessings to you xxx
Telling someone you love them, whether it be your mum or a friend should hold something dear to them, even if on a subconscious level. love perpetuates itself among us, so just keep on giving.
i am very sceptical about special powers, spells and such stuff. I think that yes by doing these things it does do something, but i think its more of a subconscious thing within ourselves. If say my friend is having difficulties in life and i do a spell for her or a herb pillow or something, its prolly not the spell doing anything but its my love and care that are really healing the situation and the fact positivity breeds very quickly and she is finding her life more enjoyable.
I do think there is something in planetary alignments and stuff. i am a huge geek and i look at things very analytically and with scientific mind, its taken me a while to open my mind up and find solutions that are not carved out in stone.
of course some of it is nonsense and that's for you to make your mind up in regards too.
I read a lot of religious texts and books mainly on eastern religion and i find it to hold more water and more relative to my life. religions such as Hindu or Buddhist have moved with the people, adapting to suit all lives. unlike Christianity or Islam who are stuck by some archaic rules. Also i find western religion to be very fixed and almost focussed on what i have done and to be punished than taking in my experience and coming out a better person. Hinduism especially is about celebration of life and teaches us how to relate to our experiences in the best way.
Old vedic literature can be related very easily to today, it hasn't aged one bit. where as the bible has aged in its time and has become very obsolete.
i think the best thing is to focus on being happy and making sure everyone who contacts you from this point will leave my company that little bit more happy.
Also the biggest change I've made personally was that to be completely compassionate, to serve others where i can. Even if it means it will cost me, whether it is time or money, i will help anyone where i can now, regardless of the outcome.
Gaining satisfaction from doing a good deed is far superior to that the outcome is favourable to me, that satisfaction is material and manipulative.
lots of light and blessings to you xxx
Sleeping Beauty.....
Sleep. Good solid sleeping. I miss it.
For about 2 years now i've not slept properly unaided. It's ridiculous, i can sleep for ages but rarely feel like i have slept well. Feeling grotty constantly is making me sad and grumpy. Who wants to feel like that?
For 2 years ive switched from so many different meds for my sleep its quite remarkable. I've stopped taking anything opiate based or benzo's in general tbh. I now take zopiclone it seems to do the trick but its highly addictive so can only have it in 2 week batches, so 2 weeks on 2 weeks off. Thing is my doctor is away for at least another week and i've had none for about 2 weeks and my sleep has been going down hill rapidly recently.
I also suffer from night terrors and sleepwalking. I have been known to walk from my bedroom, opening the door, going into dale's room and royally going hell for leather punching him! i have slept ate a couple of times too, going downstairs to make something and leaving the kitchen a state.
My nightmares are frequent. I've had a recurring one since a child where i am chased into my house (mum's) by a massive herd of cows, all mooing and kicking up dust....its bloody horrible. I also dream about Dale cheating on me, this is an anxiety dream, i know he would never o that but i feel so angry i often take it out on him when im awake :( The most recent dream was of Nick Cave chasing me down and playing with my mind before he tries to suffocate me.....yeah that's wierd!
It's difficult to explain what's wrong with me properly, i sleep yeah but do i sleep well? I don't think so.
Here is a couple of pictures of recent sleep positions dale has caught me in......
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For about 2 years now i've not slept properly unaided. It's ridiculous, i can sleep for ages but rarely feel like i have slept well. Feeling grotty constantly is making me sad and grumpy. Who wants to feel like that?
For 2 years ive switched from so many different meds for my sleep its quite remarkable. I've stopped taking anything opiate based or benzo's in general tbh. I now take zopiclone it seems to do the trick but its highly addictive so can only have it in 2 week batches, so 2 weeks on 2 weeks off. Thing is my doctor is away for at least another week and i've had none for about 2 weeks and my sleep has been going down hill rapidly recently.
I also suffer from night terrors and sleepwalking. I have been known to walk from my bedroom, opening the door, going into dale's room and royally going hell for leather punching him! i have slept ate a couple of times too, going downstairs to make something and leaving the kitchen a state.
My nightmares are frequent. I've had a recurring one since a child where i am chased into my house (mum's) by a massive herd of cows, all mooing and kicking up dust....its bloody horrible. I also dream about Dale cheating on me, this is an anxiety dream, i know he would never o that but i feel so angry i often take it out on him when im awake :( The most recent dream was of Nick Cave chasing me down and playing with my mind before he tries to suffocate me.....yeah that's wierd!
It's difficult to explain what's wrong with me properly, i sleep yeah but do i sleep well? I don't think so.
Here is a couple of pictures of recent sleep positions dale has caught me in......
.jpg)
Sunday 8 August 2010
Tattooed women.....
I now have 3 tattoos! the strange tribal christian fish thing and 2 stars on my hands.
The fish thing, was a first time, straight out the book job. I hope that my good friend, Ian will be able to make it into a cap sleeve, whih will look awesome!
As of yesterday i now have 2 tattoos, one on each of my hands. They are 2 stars in a collection i will eventually have. I want a star for my parents, sisters & brother & my nieces and nephew. so 10 stars in all! the 2 on my hands are a bit of a ongoing project as i also want the names of my sisters and brother next to the stars. Bethany and isobelle on one hand and charlie & Alex on the other. I want to do this to show my love and loyalty for my family and so they know every time i see my hands i see them & of our love for one another. To me that is ppossibly the most beautiful thing to do. be etched with their names for the rest of my life, i will forever have them next to me at all times. that to me means so much.
Tattoo's are funny things, my first was supposed ot be my only one! as ive grown older and wiser i understand my mistake in getting a tattoo cause the design is popular :( so hopefully i can turn it into a nice tribal design i am proud of. This time the tattoos mean something and i am so proud that i chose my hands for them. i know very few people who have hand tattoos, they seem to be reserved for the hard men or completely covered tattooed people, sort of the last taboo when it comes to tats, well apart from the face! it is something i cannot hide, i don't want ot hide them. i want people to see my love for my family. Several people have said ill find it difficult if i want a job, but you know what if a company looks down their nose at me for the illustration of my skin, then i don't want to work for them!
I want more though, there is the tribal cap to do, i need a artist to do a fairy, unicorn, rainbows, clouds and bright colours on my right arm & i also want a paw print to show my love for my animals. I want 'the leather runs smooth on the passenger seat' on my left wrist and 'A friend in need's a friend indeed, A friend with weed is better; A friend with breasts and all the rest, A friend who's dressed in leather' on the right. As well as the names on my hand and the further 10 stars and possibly a diamond with my nan and grandad's name underneath. oh and a rose that my friend designed for me about 5 years ago to go on my leg. All my tattoos will now be for a reason. I want to make my body a illustration of me, of who i am.
If there are any budding artists out there who fancy someone to 'practice' (you already know how to tattoo tho) then please get in touch. i have meagre funds for tattoos so its a bit of a plea!
dale had his first tat too! he got 4 paw prints going up his calf. 1 for each of our 4 dogs. Very sweet and look brilliant! was very proud of him!
Oh and i can also conclude hand tattooing is right hard to do cause of the skin and its stretchiness and it fucking knacks too!! i was a big girl and ended up enjoying it! prhaps more than i should lol
i am now debating on getting my septum done.....will need to consult with dale first mind! lol
heres a couple of pics to see what we had done xxx
The fish thing, was a first time, straight out the book job. I hope that my good friend, Ian will be able to make it into a cap sleeve, whih will look awesome!
As of yesterday i now have 2 tattoos, one on each of my hands. They are 2 stars in a collection i will eventually have. I want a star for my parents, sisters & brother & my nieces and nephew. so 10 stars in all! the 2 on my hands are a bit of a ongoing project as i also want the names of my sisters and brother next to the stars. Bethany and isobelle on one hand and charlie & Alex on the other. I want to do this to show my love and loyalty for my family and so they know every time i see my hands i see them & of our love for one another. To me that is ppossibly the most beautiful thing to do. be etched with their names for the rest of my life, i will forever have them next to me at all times. that to me means so much.
Tattoo's are funny things, my first was supposed ot be my only one! as ive grown older and wiser i understand my mistake in getting a tattoo cause the design is popular :( so hopefully i can turn it into a nice tribal design i am proud of. This time the tattoos mean something and i am so proud that i chose my hands for them. i know very few people who have hand tattoos, they seem to be reserved for the hard men or completely covered tattooed people, sort of the last taboo when it comes to tats, well apart from the face! it is something i cannot hide, i don't want ot hide them. i want people to see my love for my family. Several people have said ill find it difficult if i want a job, but you know what if a company looks down their nose at me for the illustration of my skin, then i don't want to work for them!
I want more though, there is the tribal cap to do, i need a artist to do a fairy, unicorn, rainbows, clouds and bright colours on my right arm & i also want a paw print to show my love for my animals. I want 'the leather runs smooth on the passenger seat' on my left wrist and 'A friend in need's a friend indeed, A friend with weed is better; A friend with breasts and all the rest, A friend who's dressed in leather' on the right. As well as the names on my hand and the further 10 stars and possibly a diamond with my nan and grandad's name underneath. oh and a rose that my friend designed for me about 5 years ago to go on my leg. All my tattoos will now be for a reason. I want to make my body a illustration of me, of who i am.
If there are any budding artists out there who fancy someone to 'practice' (you already know how to tattoo tho) then please get in touch. i have meagre funds for tattoos so its a bit of a plea!
dale had his first tat too! he got 4 paw prints going up his calf. 1 for each of our 4 dogs. Very sweet and look brilliant! was very proud of him!
Oh and i can also conclude hand tattooing is right hard to do cause of the skin and its stretchiness and it fucking knacks too!! i was a big girl and ended up enjoying it! prhaps more than i should lol
i am now debating on getting my septum done.....will need to consult with dale first mind! lol
heres a couple of pics to see what we had done xxx
Thursday 5 August 2010
sick to death of it...
I am getting proper fed up with one of my meds. Mirtazapine. a fucking useless piece of crap, its not helped my moods, all its done is make me ridiculously tired and shaky.
I've looked it up and the shaking, almost convulsions are rare but are a concern. So think its time to get off them and return the doctor and get something different.
I am already on the ma dose for Duloxetine, so i have to have a additional anti-depressant, its not ideal but the fact my moods sink to proper lows and i see no escape, i obviously need something else.
http://www.medicinenet.com/mirtazapine/article.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mirtazapine
if you want ot know more on the drug that's making my life hell! xxxx
I've looked it up and the shaking, almost convulsions are rare but are a concern. So think its time to get off them and return the doctor and get something different.
I am already on the ma dose for Duloxetine, so i have to have a additional anti-depressant, its not ideal but the fact my moods sink to proper lows and i see no escape, i obviously need something else.
http://www.medicinenet.com/mirtazapine/article.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mirtazapine
if you want ot know more on the drug that's making my life hell! xxxx
Wednesday 4 August 2010
She's going to take on the world.....
Right, tonight i had my worst fears confirmed. Alex Jones (yes the mental man with a speaker phone) has shown proof of the dosing of mercury, lithium and prozac to produce bio-enhanced humans.
These drugs have already been introduced in the water supply in the states, how scary is that?!
I have correctly predicted a few events such as this one, this one is a subject close to my heart. I am a heavily medicated person, without my drugs i wouldn't be sat here talking to you, i would probably be in a room dribbling! i am not well at all without medication. IF i knew what i know now about drug induced passivity i would never have taken what they prescribed. I began thinking about concealing drugs in food and water several years ago. I also believe they are happy to stick people on 'lightweight' anti-depressants for years due to the fact if you shout out, protest against what needs to be said to help us survive you can be pinned as a maniac and ultimately will be committed to a government facility to be 'processed'.
Now i know that sounds far fetched but we do have the technology to do this to people, genetically modifing the human mind. Stopping receptors from receiving important information passed onto us through various naturally occurring chemicals in our brain.
Suppressing the human race is the start, getting us all to submit and those few who stand up and speak out will be shamed and in all honesty when this happens i think there will be camps, places for the likes of me to go and live my life until they decide to turn the switch on us.
Once these revolutionaries are removed from society and all you are left with are the 'sheep'. We will be controlled even further through medication and chemicals in our food and water.
They want full control of us. To be able to control population, businesses and the world's economy. This is far into the future but it is coming towards us at a fast rate as less of us are listening to the FACTS.
The world is media driven, we watch TV, on the internet everything is controlled. This blog will prolly flag up on the governments watch list as I've used Alex Jones name. We believe what we are told by the tabloids, by the woman vacantly telling us about the blood shed in Iraq, Iran and other countries. we have become detached to reality and are being led blind into the slaughter house. Is this where you want to go?
I know for a fact i wish to fight my corner the best i can. I'm controlled by my drugs completely but luckily for me i still retain my mind, my break through thinking.
I know you must be thinking i am mental so don't listen but google lithium water supply and you'll get references from big sites claiming how the trials have proved successful. It won't be long till the UK follow suit, if it already hasn't.
The NEW biological modified human is here, if only in a small way. If you accept this then phase 2 will be upon us sooner than we think. Pushing for the new world order and making drones from birth will soon be here.
I have always beleived i am watched as i have been visited by beings since a child. My first experience was as a 4 year old and my mother saw it also. it was a big orange ball with a piece cut out, huge, as big as a football pitch. I have seen this regularly since then. My last visit was about april this year, where dale witnessed the craft himself. These are NOT in my mind people i do not have special powers to play with peoples visions. Joint hallucinations are rare and seeing as ive had 3 people in total see this craft, i can't be imagining it.
Now i do not think i am special nor rare. i believe that the beings are collecting information, our feelings and memories. When they come i get a very calm feeling, a serene open feeling and when they go i feel slightly sad but happy, really happy. its like they set the reset button.
I think there are millions of subjects just like me who are visited and harvested of emotions and memories.
I also strongly believe that the government knows about this. I am a flagged person. government bodies such as hospitals, doctors, police etc know of me, flagged as a revolutionary, someone to watch. Hence why i was heavily medicated by them whilst incapable of making a proper decision. they got a chance to get me into the system so i can be named as a mental if i speak out.
Read up on this, look into drug programs and the ways they are entering chemicals that effect our brain's function into our most basic things.
Look into the new world order, watch the films that you are able to download for free most of the time.
If you want to raise an issue with me, agree or disagree please leave a comment.
It's time to stop this! Share this blog or share a Alex Jones video, search his name on youtube.
xxxx
These drugs have already been introduced in the water supply in the states, how scary is that?!
I have correctly predicted a few events such as this one, this one is a subject close to my heart. I am a heavily medicated person, without my drugs i wouldn't be sat here talking to you, i would probably be in a room dribbling! i am not well at all without medication. IF i knew what i know now about drug induced passivity i would never have taken what they prescribed. I began thinking about concealing drugs in food and water several years ago. I also believe they are happy to stick people on 'lightweight' anti-depressants for years due to the fact if you shout out, protest against what needs to be said to help us survive you can be pinned as a maniac and ultimately will be committed to a government facility to be 'processed'.
Now i know that sounds far fetched but we do have the technology to do this to people, genetically modifing the human mind. Stopping receptors from receiving important information passed onto us through various naturally occurring chemicals in our brain.
Suppressing the human race is the start, getting us all to submit and those few who stand up and speak out will be shamed and in all honesty when this happens i think there will be camps, places for the likes of me to go and live my life until they decide to turn the switch on us.
Once these revolutionaries are removed from society and all you are left with are the 'sheep'. We will be controlled even further through medication and chemicals in our food and water.
They want full control of us. To be able to control population, businesses and the world's economy. This is far into the future but it is coming towards us at a fast rate as less of us are listening to the FACTS.
The world is media driven, we watch TV, on the internet everything is controlled. This blog will prolly flag up on the governments watch list as I've used Alex Jones name. We believe what we are told by the tabloids, by the woman vacantly telling us about the blood shed in Iraq, Iran and other countries. we have become detached to reality and are being led blind into the slaughter house. Is this where you want to go?
I know for a fact i wish to fight my corner the best i can. I'm controlled by my drugs completely but luckily for me i still retain my mind, my break through thinking.
I know you must be thinking i am mental so don't listen but google lithium water supply and you'll get references from big sites claiming how the trials have proved successful. It won't be long till the UK follow suit, if it already hasn't.
The NEW biological modified human is here, if only in a small way. If you accept this then phase 2 will be upon us sooner than we think. Pushing for the new world order and making drones from birth will soon be here.
I have always beleived i am watched as i have been visited by beings since a child. My first experience was as a 4 year old and my mother saw it also. it was a big orange ball with a piece cut out, huge, as big as a football pitch. I have seen this regularly since then. My last visit was about april this year, where dale witnessed the craft himself. These are NOT in my mind people i do not have special powers to play with peoples visions. Joint hallucinations are rare and seeing as ive had 3 people in total see this craft, i can't be imagining it.
Now i do not think i am special nor rare. i believe that the beings are collecting information, our feelings and memories. When they come i get a very calm feeling, a serene open feeling and when they go i feel slightly sad but happy, really happy. its like they set the reset button.
I think there are millions of subjects just like me who are visited and harvested of emotions and memories.
I also strongly believe that the government knows about this. I am a flagged person. government bodies such as hospitals, doctors, police etc know of me, flagged as a revolutionary, someone to watch. Hence why i was heavily medicated by them whilst incapable of making a proper decision. they got a chance to get me into the system so i can be named as a mental if i speak out.
Read up on this, look into drug programs and the ways they are entering chemicals that effect our brain's function into our most basic things.
Look into the new world order, watch the films that you are able to download for free most of the time.
If you want to raise an issue with me, agree or disagree please leave a comment.
It's time to stop this! Share this blog or share a Alex Jones video, search his name on youtube.
xxxx
Step inside the mind of a freak....
Got a brain full of filth right now, so thought i'd share some photos of things i like!
I think this may be a still from a film. it suggests elegance, nativity and experience, the brunette smirking as she leads the blonde into the bedroom.
This is quite a fresh and very well produced photo. the content is somewhat normal for me but i can respect the realness of the photo. It suggest innocence and normality, nothing kinky, nothing exposed, its just a girl playing with herself, experimentation with our own body is essential to be able to explore others.
Pretty sure this is by the bloke who did a placebo cover, not sure though. It is how ever the reason i like it. Placebo went through a stage of using random bodily parts, just before the sleeping with ghosts album which featured the blueish, cold tint you see here. Album artwork was a massive inspkiration when i was growing up, was really my only source of modern photography. My work is heavily influenced by the 90's style of using photography.
Sexy, anon and a classic erotica shot. its a balanced photo and everything looks very soft.
This photo is of its time i think. dirty boss grabbing the secretary's bum! great image.
Now we all know this shot is very horny. It has all the hallmarks of a good photo in my books. a little commercial but still a nice shot.
This photo is what i would call fashion fetish. I'm not a massive fan of this type of photo but this one appeals mainly cause i really like zentai suits.
LOVE corsets, and this is a really lovely photo of a hourglass figure. nice big bum too!
just cause its knitted and it makes me smile really.
Monday 2 August 2010
Birthday grumbles....
It's my birthday today, yep I have made it to the grand old age of 27! I can think back to being 16 and wishing I was older, wanting to be a big grown up.....tbh I would kill for a week as my 16 year old me lol With all my aches, pains and mental health things, I feel old!
Now I'm not going to be one of those silly women who are 30 about 10 times, i will age with some sort of grace. I don't dare think of being elegant and classy. I am possibly the least classy person you will ever know! I feel older though, i think I've always been 45 tbh, even when i was 14 i had friends in their 30's, you know i spent more time with some of my friends mum's than my actual friends!
I grew up quick, i had too. no choice really, it had to be done. sadly i think i made up for it in my early adulthood by burning the candle at both ends. These days yeah i have my wild times but the days of weeks of binging and being high is long gone. i couldn't cope! lol
being the grown up though does have its positives. The main one being, i am getting to the age where i can give advice, show people the wreck and ruin i came from and try and steer them clear. My friendship with Maya for example, She is 16, such a young, tender and foolish age! Now Maya you know i love you right but take heed my small one! at 16 we talk shit, make stories up, lie through our teeth and more often than not we are caught out. Your 16 please live your life as a 16 year old, get drunk, snog boys and experiment. You don't need to pretend, its ok we know the truth we've been there too. Don't worry your not alone, some people my age are still talking shit! lol My relationship with Maya is a little strange. She is my friend but i have warmed to her in a more motherly way. I can see so much of myself in her the waywardness and the white lies. They are paper thin at the best of times lol I just don't want her to fall down the dark paths i did. i want her to gain the experience i had but with a adult at hand to sort things out and so it doesn't become too much.
I worry about her, i want to show her how to be a grown up without the failing bit! lol i know you have to fail sometimes but i want to do a bit of damage limitation. If she is in love with my best friend then it is my duty to protect her also. If she makes my xander happy then she is worth protecting like a precious gem.
How have we got here??
fuck knows.
Anyway its my birthday, im not partying, i don't even think ill get many cards and certainly no presents! too skint!
So its night night from me and lets hope everyone is a happy camper in the morning! xxxx
Now I'm not going to be one of those silly women who are 30 about 10 times, i will age with some sort of grace. I don't dare think of being elegant and classy. I am possibly the least classy person you will ever know! I feel older though, i think I've always been 45 tbh, even when i was 14 i had friends in their 30's, you know i spent more time with some of my friends mum's than my actual friends!
I grew up quick, i had too. no choice really, it had to be done. sadly i think i made up for it in my early adulthood by burning the candle at both ends. These days yeah i have my wild times but the days of weeks of binging and being high is long gone. i couldn't cope! lol
being the grown up though does have its positives. The main one being, i am getting to the age where i can give advice, show people the wreck and ruin i came from and try and steer them clear. My friendship with Maya for example, She is 16, such a young, tender and foolish age! Now Maya you know i love you right but take heed my small one! at 16 we talk shit, make stories up, lie through our teeth and more often than not we are caught out. Your 16 please live your life as a 16 year old, get drunk, snog boys and experiment. You don't need to pretend, its ok we know the truth we've been there too. Don't worry your not alone, some people my age are still talking shit! lol My relationship with Maya is a little strange. She is my friend but i have warmed to her in a more motherly way. I can see so much of myself in her the waywardness and the white lies. They are paper thin at the best of times lol I just don't want her to fall down the dark paths i did. i want her to gain the experience i had but with a adult at hand to sort things out and so it doesn't become too much.
I worry about her, i want to show her how to be a grown up without the failing bit! lol i know you have to fail sometimes but i want to do a bit of damage limitation. If she is in love with my best friend then it is my duty to protect her also. If she makes my xander happy then she is worth protecting like a precious gem.
How have we got here??
fuck knows.
Anyway its my birthday, im not partying, i don't even think ill get many cards and certainly no presents! too skint!
So its night night from me and lets hope everyone is a happy camper in the morning! xxxx
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