curse the static!

I wish i could just sleep for a whole night. The ones where you are proper dead to the world, where your brain is completely shut off.

Tonight, is the first night in a while where i can't sleep, my brain is whirring around and there is too much noise. noise, i love it but at the same time, miss not having complete silence so all i can here is the stream babbling outside and the creak of branches.

I can't wait till i go to the doctors on Tuesday, My doctor will finally be back and able to give me all my drugs! i could just do with a couple of zopiclone right now :)

Just really fed up, i forget sometimes and smile and then i feel i need to be punished for it. i fucking hate depression. the depths it goes too and the confusion it puts me into. It feels like i cannot sleep cause of like a static noise constantly in my head, zooming and whirrings, clicking all of these working in layers creating this noise, all thoughts and answers, questions, theories....it just won't stop!
I had bad dreams last night and all i wanted to do when i woke from it was batter dale. its a good job i now wake quicker from these dreams, cause poor dale would  be battered!

Xander and Maya are here for their last night, they are moving on so X can go back to work. Little sad they are going, they make me feel happy and a massive distraction to me.

I've made the sheet i am putting with grandad when he is buried after his cremation. it has the prayer of St. Francis on one side and on the other a verse from the bagavhad gita and a picture of arch angel Michael to look after him. going to get it laminated so it lasts a while. he is with Krishna now and will be rejoicing with him about his life, a magic moment with Krishna that will last a life time but merely a second would pass, then onward to another life to learn more and celebrate his love for the lord!

I have found my spirituality to be very handy during this time, i used wiccan practices with my aunty, yes they did the world of good. I feel more calm and restful now mentally so able to clear my thoughts and look at the good from the situation.
So much good has already happened since my grandad's death. Families reuniting and loving each other.
My grandad would be really happy that his 2 daughters are back together again after so long.

So gramps is riding high on my mind, also just my general feelings are a bit squiffy.
Depression is really shitty. my brain freezes and forgets what it just though of. the answers come but not to the right question. its so confusing.

Right I'm going to try and sleep...AGAIN.

Nighty Night xxxx