Basically she promised to do something, look after the dogs while we go down south for my grandad's funeral. Thing is she piped up last night saying she couldn't do it for some real lame reasons, of course this made me angry but decided to sleep on it and deal with it in the morning. Basically i forgot hold old Maya was, it slips my mind these days, at the start she was very loud, childish and tbh a bit annoying. She has changed and become a bit older and matured only a little bit but its tiny steps forward.
She put me in predicament where i needed to go down south but have no one to look after the dogs, so poor dale is basically doing a 10 hour drive on Friday! he is amazing and i love him so much.
Last few weeks i wouldn't have known what to do without him. My idoicy earlier in the month is long forgotten. i know exactly what i want and that's my Dale. He's stopped me going mad i suppose. In all honesty i think i would be part of the tin hat brigade if i was left alone.
It scares me the fact i am so reliant on Dale and have lost a large amount of my independence. I used to pride myself on that, able to get out and about on my own, feeling confident and strong. 5 years in my life have changed me completely. I know scurry down a street, hiding my face where i can and avoiding eye contact. Paranoid about what people are thinking and looking at me. I still cannot eat in public places, it fills me with complete dread. I like wandering about shops but i just cant do it for very long, i become to annoyed, angry, confused and lost. That is really sad, that this once party girl, life and soul of any party going is now a woman, dressed in plain clothes, no make up any more and just avoiding all contact i can.
I know that person exists somewhere underneath all this, but she's buried deep and as much as i dig the rain pulls the dirt back in. So much of my personality is hidden, albeit wisely hidden. I really couldn't see me living over 35 at the rate i was going. Being a hedonist and a addict, is very exciting, very appealing but really its horrid, nights sleeping on floors, dirty underwear, no make up, nothing is ever clean, you live in a dirty world, you become the dirty girl.
I live a lot differently now, tending towards spiritual stuff, selfless acts and normality. Yeah i still play with drugs but it isn't often and i know my limits. i know its a risky game to play but its an escape from the norm, a release of a different beast i suppose. I don't drink very often as i get sad or angry and neither are pretty.
I used to be called selfish, i hope i am far from that nowadays. I try not to cling to material things and lead a reasonably happy life tbh, nothing really horrible happens, its pretty normal.
My love for Krishna is growing by the day and i am being more and more drawn to him and gaining more knowledge about him and his ideals, what i can do to become a better person, to become more complete, to feel the hand of Krishna during my times of trouble is wonderful and he is like a strong father, holding you tight and knowing he loves you. I don't know if that is part of hope or is part of a spiritual type breakthrough.
I know i have my 2 angels now in my aunty Jan and Grandad. They will look over me always.
Oh yeah, i got my grandad tattoo today, i've attached a pic. it will prolly need a bit of thickening up but its exactly what i wanted and im so happy with it. Lucky to have a tattooist as a friend, eh?
I just want to say too, i really love my friends, i am your servant at all times. I will do my utmost to protect, love and care for you. I don't have many friends, you know real ones lol, but those who are close are like family and especially as we are so isolated from family its nice to have such a cool group of friends who love us for us. We are truly blessed. Thank you xxx
Bright Blessings xxxxx
Nice hon, I'm sure he's pleased with it.
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