Today is another day of depression.....i can't seem to see past a few hours, my mind is constantly distracted, i feel completely knackered and I've only just got up!
I've been on the steady descent to the pit of depression since last Friday, it's slowly got worse up to yesterday where i knew i was in a bad one.
Dale dropped me at X & M's at about 2.30 by 5.30 i was on my way home. Now this in no way X & M's fault, i thought i wanted to go out and be with friends, try and cheer myself up and well it didn't work...i started missing dale, then all i could think about was my sister and how i felt helpless and want to be close to her, she needs me and i need her.
There's also a alcohol problem surfacing at home (Oxford) and a drug addiction...i just feel i should be there and to help my family, i feel so guilty. The thing is i can't afford to live there, for the £500 we pay here we would be getting a 2 bed flat at a push in Abingdon :( so it just doesn't make sense.
I want her ot move up here, it would do her so much good, the kids would get a better childhood and education, she would find friends like her not the sad sacks in abingdon. My sister is not for the townie lifestyle, her sister showed her the outside world and she knows there is something better out there.
Right, yeah back to why i had to go home...i basically started feeling very out of place, sad and panic. I, on reflection NEED dale. I am completely dependant on him, he literally props me up. Sounds sad, I've lost my independence but let's be honest when i had it i ran around like a headless chicken! But when you need to hold hands to cross the road cause i can wander or miss the moment but still cross, ive nearly been killed a few times! I worry desperately about the fact i am not the strong, independent woman i once was. In my opinion i am now a very weak, constantly ill BUT i am the happiest ive been in years, so perhaps this relationship lark is for me, who knows....ive been with dale for nearly 4 years! that's the longest ever lol
Anyway, dale came and i immediately went for a cuddle and just started blubbing. I love him so much.
I think i've got something really wrong with me :( I've seen a dramatic decrease in my health over the last few months not just mentally but physically. My grandad and my Aunty both died due to Cancer and its made me ultra paranoid. I've got a strange lump on my leg, it looks like it was perhaps a mole but its huge now...i am going ot go to the doctors, don't worry. I've also been having a lot of problems with my downbelowsies....which can be an indication of Cancer :( It is really worrying me, i am scared of going ot the doctor but i also worry that the doctor won't take me seriously as ive had so much go wrong this year due to it and the fact i am a paranoid person....it may well be nothing but its really scaring me....i thank my lucky stars i wake up in the morning..Sometimes i wish i didn't though, a sort of a begrudging feeling i didn't die. I think about death a lot, all sorts to do with it....i won't bore you with details but some of it is rather disturbing and some of it is the most religious experience...
I am in Fear. Fear is my enemy and i must tackle it head on and ask that Krishna guide me through my dark days and steer me into his ever-loving light.
I'm smoking less, about 20 over 2 days now....not bad seeing as I'm not trying and i am now going down to king size and lights! i will get off the fags!!
ermmm, yeah just thought i needed to clear my head a bit, so thanks and if you read this then leave a comment, it cheers me up :)
Hare Krishna! xxx
Oh and this is the best album this year by far! A true gem! I really fucking love Nick Cave! lol http://www.grinderman.com/
No comments:
Post a Comment