battles

Hmmmm, now this is a topic that could end up into a weird rant type thing, so here goes!

I battle constantly. Constantly assessing and analysing who i am and my actions. Some may say this is good for you but personally i would rather i was less 'aware' of some of it.
Its like i really do have a devil and angel inside of me and they have proper rows and screaming banshee fits!
I see my pure self, the one who is all things good, patient, compassionate, loving, caring etc the part i like a lot but then there is a demon breaking through it all. I really quite like having the demon in my head, the one who wants me to take risks and be naughty! But its balancing the 2 in some way i can cope with.

The demon craves filth. I thrive in a dirty underworld of drugs, sex and filth. I have met some right lowlifes, people you don't mess with and people you just shouldn't know. I've really seen the underbelly of society and saw it for what it is. The world is constantly run by media and fear. I hate this and seem to only find escape either through going to my demon and satisfying all his dirty urges or the complete opposite and bury my head into a book about Buddhism and think of love and light. Either of these isn't a real option, both of them share a common value, they are escape mechanisms, a place in my mind that i can switch off the noise of the real world and sink into the depths of despair or rising to grab the stars. I suppose this is what my personality disorder is?? i don't know I've never really had it explained to me. Or maybe i have schizophrenia?? would explain the escapism and reliance on another entity that is only real to me.
I create characters, people who don't exist. people that are me! I've gone under lots of different names in my time, all secondary characters to me, Franny. There was Dani, the filthy sex worker, Tina Paint, my tranny loving boy shagging side, Francis, the man. There's been a fair few over the years tbh, it something to retreat to and give as a treat. I don't often become these other people but i crave that feeling that they give me constantly. I am aware of it and i know its a bad path to go down, its me making it ok to be wrong. is it wrong??

I do blame the demons though for my nonchalant attitude to sex, my disturbed side. the one who gets off to some sick shit. I embrace that side far to easily in comparison to my spiritual self. I find the battle is when good tries to overcome bad.

I have the greatest comic book all in my head! Demons, devils, angels and light. all a bit heavy ain't it?

I wonder do other people have the moral dilemmas i have. Do they understand i don't choose it and it played out between these two sides, i am merely a vessel for the battle.
I am morally objectionable all the time, well most of it but then i do have some strange things that really freak me out. I don't allow sex in my house, it is mine and dales house and our beds and i don't want you stinking them up! I have strange issues with just certain things.

So, the battle will no doubt continue, I'll be letting it rule my head and forgetting to fight against the blackness. it's terrible when you a resigning to the demons in your head! lol

If anyone has a clue what i am on about and if i need to get it seen to, please let me know!

xxx