deeper.....

Today i can feel a black cloud about to come looming over. You would think if i knew it was coming i must be able to stop or at least be cushioned somewhat.
I have never been able to deal with my depression's, i know now when they come, i don't know how severe or mild it may be. the constant worry of not knowing how long the next batch of the blues is going to hit.

I am a rapidly cycling bi-polar sufferer. This basically means my moods rapidly rotate. From crying with laughter i can be crying in sadness. It literally can switch within mins. If anything it annoys me now, the self hate, self pity and inward persona that comes with it. I love life i really do, i really honestly love what life can bring. It's just life has thrown a lot of shit up into my face.
These days with my interest in religion and spirituality i believe that the Buddha faced many challenges and it took him a long time to find inner peace and to be able ot share his life unselfishly with others. Now i know i am not Buddha! but i do think the challenges i face are lessons, my past karma being played out so i can move on and be further along my enlightened path.

Bi-polar, depression, mental illness is widely used these days, i know very few people who haven't had some form of anti-depressant, mainly prozac though, it seems ot have come back into 'fashion' with doctors lately.
Now i have been under a doctor since i was 18-19 with depression. It wasn't until about 3 years ago that i finally got a proper diagnosis. I was treated for a long time with venlafaxine, ever increasing the dosage. I am now on a combination of drugs to treat my bi-polar and borderline personality disorder, i also suffer from massive panic attacks, i find shopping a harassing and disturbing past time. I also have periods of schizophrenia, visual and audible. I have a huge self confidence issue.
People who know me, will prolly tell you i am outgoing, happy and bubbly. Yes i am these things but a lot of it is bravado and the mask i have affection for. The one thing i can hide behind completely. I am deeply unhappy most of the time, happiness comes frequently but it is usually at a cost or a very short time. I hate how i look, i hate how i behave, i hate who i am. i am not comfortable with who i am but at the same time it is with ease that i am this person and i find some form of comfort from difference from my inner feelings.
I also have gender issues. This is a long winded thing which i will perhaps share another time but basically if i could wave a magic wand i would be a bi man who dresses female, a crossdresser if you like. Oh and i also have a massive penchant for transgender folks, someone to share the pain of not being in the right skin i suppose.

The medication list!
200mg Lamotragine - This is to treat my personality disorder, it's a mood stabiliser and is also used to treat epileptic people.
120mg Duloxitine - This is to treat my depression, it seems to work somewhat.
5mg Trifluperazine - This is to stop me wandering about and to have a low dosage of a anti-pyschotic drug.
15mg Mirtazapine - Another anti-depressant which also helps with my sleep.
7.5mg zopiclone - To put me ot sleep. i sleep but not properly without my sleepers.
thats 7 tablets at night!

My sleep.....ohhhhhhh.....its a bugger. i seem to sleep loads but rarely sleep properly when i have my naps during the day. When i don't have my sleeping tablets, i sleep walk, occasionally mixing it with some casual violence towards dale or eating lol so tablets are needed!
I have the most horrific dreams, dreams that are reoccurring. proper horrible things. errghh.

I am known medically and socially as disabled. I am registered as mentally disabled as i am incapable of a normal life without constant care.
This is a really sad thing ot admit, that at the age of 27 i find cooking a meal to be a strenuous thing mentally. i can get to tears if things don't go right. yet cooking is something i love. I reply totally on others for support and guidance. I am at peril most of the time in public places and in the home i aint much better tbh.
I am not a spaz or a wrong 'un, i just can't compute basic information anymore. my brain is broken and its gone past being able to fix. The medication keeps me in a bubble, somewhere in a state of confusion. If i stop my medication (yes, stupidly i have tried) i am a retard. sorry for that but i am, a complete and utter one at that. the things in my head become to much, the noise but at the same time silence. unable to move without it hurting, constantly missing things, living in your own paranoid, fucked up world unable to connect with anyone and finding little friendship or love from anyone, cause you've pushed everyone so far away they are fed up of trying ot help and get in.
To stop me from going mental, in a bad way i decided i needed to be frank and open about EVERYTHING. everything i think of, do and say is for questioning. i tell people activities which either only i should know or a select few. i find no bother talking about sex or toilet duties. i am open with my feelings, often being hurt and often found cowering from the harsh reality of what others think. I am me, i am a one off, i think i am pretty special. My mum always has said i was put here for a reason, there is a purpose for my life. i have yet ot find it.

Right, little bit about the depression. discuss! xxx