for some of my friends you know it all pretty much but i want to share this on a public forum to perhaps evoke emotion and help others who have or are going through the same.
I'll deal with something that i can get a grip on first. The things I've put to rest and are now emotionless, like its someone else's story.....
I was a proper geek at school, the ugly ducking, the one who never got attention. I sort of drifted through my school life, doing well in class but socially inept.
I left school finding myself in the big wide world and truth be told I was a bit scared. As much as I disliked school for its social reasons I really enjoyed studying.
Anyhoo, I started going out to nightclubs etc and Abingdon is a chav and squaddie town. This means a lot of conflict in the town and girls are often in the middle lol
I started seeing a squaddie I was 18 he was prolly bout 24. tbh I can't remember his name, I tried to forget him and his friends.
He picked me up for a night at the barracks, heavy drinking and generally being a bit of a slut, flirting etc. I had about 3 cans and i was arseholed, I was 18 and had barely started drinking.
my bf (huh) laid me on the bed and started to kiss and fondle me, his friends left the room there was 3 of them. he had got my knickers off and i heard the door go and they walked back in. He clasped his hand over my mouth and near enough punched through my vagina.
He then with help from his friends, held me down while they all copped a feel. pushing their fingers inside me and that feeling, that blankness that i came to see too often in my future happened for the first time. I remember just going limp, stopped screaming and just silently cried as i was raped by 4 men. The calm, the void of feeling was easier to handle, than fighting. if i fought i risked it being harder or for longer.
It makes me uneasy thinking of men treating me like that, like a whore. i had barely lost my virginity and these men were doing very bad things to me.
i felt sick, of course I did. after they had finished, i remember running to the bathroom to clean myself up, the blood on my thighs and the sticky semen all over me. knowing at least for tonight I had no where to run to. I had to stay and face the monster that had constructed the whole scenario. I knew I would have to sleep by his side, feel his breath on me till the morning, once it was gone 8 I could leave and get the bus and go home.
i didn't talk about this incident till quite a bit later on in my life. It somehow meant more or less, i don't know which. It hurts that i never tried to stop it happening to other girls. i could have done something. i later learned of similar stories among girls in the town and it wasnt the same men, so it seems that at that time Dalton Barracks was full of rapists. Now some may think this is all highly unlikely but i tell you the army cover up their soldiers doing such things. they move them on to another barracks and its all paperwork and it ends nowhere, it ends up dropped.
Being in that vulnerable position is harrowing. feeling 4 big men bearing down on you and the evilness they did. it leaves me cold, it leaves me unable to comprehend it.
So many girls cry rape these days for some pretty desperate reasons. i'm sure its always happened.
It offends me when I learn of girls saying they've been raped and then turns out they haven't all those false tears and paddys. I kept it all in side, scared to tell anyone. I was so frightened my mum would chastise me for being such a bad girl, I was sure she would tell me I brought it on myself. As a woman who has been raped more than once and by more than one person, I can say this, When you cry wolf, you offend and disrespect those who have had to live through perpetual abuse or who have been abused, you shout and scream at the top of your voice not realising the girl next door is being gang raped and not saying a word. Think of the damage you are doing.
It's scary knowing i have met and known some pretty fucking horrible people. People that should be punished for the things they have done for me and no doubt others.
So you know when you say I understand, you really don't. We are all human, all equal. It's our experience our learned behaviour that makes us, Us. My mistakes, my tragedies, my happiness make up me, your experience isn't the same as mine. perhaps you have got justice. I got strong too late and no going back.
I hope that opens your eyes a bit. If you want to know more, know in more detail I will happily talk but please be aware I ain't fucking stupid and will not tolerate people getting off on my pain. If you try it expect a barrage of fucking abuse.
xxxx
No comments:
Post a Comment