life as it is....

Plenty of time to tell you all about the horrors of my life, so we'll start where we are today.....

I am in a fully fledged relationship, we've been together for 3 years. This is the longest relationship I've ever had, most people get fucked off with me lol

Dale is in fact my reason for living, for waking up in the morning. I love him dearly. We have our problems, traits we don't like etc.. I sometimes go a bit wayward and feel alone and have a tendency to latch onto people who provide the bit i am missing. stroking my ego basically. I know astrology is basically worthless but i do find leo's are similar ot me. We like a drama, a head full of ideas, stroppy and such like but our main goal in life it seems is to get our ego's stroked. Although temporary we still like to feel like we are the best and we ain't modest either lol

My depression is still apparent, although the major swings seem to be under control. Here's the practicality of living with depression day to day:
I take a lot of medication, not all for mental health reasons but here's the prescription list..
200mg Lamotragine, 120mg of Duloxetine, 5mg Trifluperiazine 15mg Mirtazipine 7.5mg zopiclone 80 units of long acting insulin 100 units of short acting insulin 1000mg oxytetracycline micro biotic cleanser dalacin-T.....think that's it....thats for one day btw.
i see a psychiatrist every 6 months, my doctor every 2 weeks and i have a CPN who visits fortnightly. I am registered mentally disabled. i have not worked a proper job since i was about 21. Life on benefits btw ain't as much fun as everyone thinks. After 6 years of begging for money it soon gets very fucking boring and very tedious. Finding things to do with no money to just fill your day up is nigh on impossible.
I hate the fact i can't work. So you say 'why don't you go to work?' cause i am a pleb who can't deal with day to day activities let alone keeping in line with a work schedule.
I sleep a lot. one it uses up the hours and i am constantly tired due to the diabetes and the amount of medication i am on.
I have always excelled at jobs too, its not like when i did work it was menial tasks. At one point i was earning 30k a year at 19. not bad eh? i have got every job i have gone for.
I'm intelligent but not enough to be pompous or a geek. I speak my mind, i tell you too much. I seem to have a problem with keeping private feelings and thoughts to myself. So i can be a little too much for some people, sorry it's just who i am. I would much rather be who i am than be a conceited liar. I gave up hiding myself a whole ago. i will be me and if you don't like that, then toddle off. I won't hate you for it, who's got time for hate seriously?

I love myself but dislike much of me. I don't much care for my exterior. I am fat, i am unfit, i am uncouth and unladylike, scarring everywhere. Oh and when i really hate myself i have a problem, every time i rip chunks of skin off my bottom. yep its weird but surprisingly quite common. It's a form of self harm and i really should get some sort of therapy for it.
The one thing i am proud of is my inner self. This has changed dramatically in the last 4 or so years. i grew up, matured and became comfortable and settling for my lot but striving for better at the same time. Moving on emotionally over certain things that have happened. leaving the crap behind. The realisation of true friendship and true love. When your loved as well as i am, you have to give something back. I used to malicious, nasty and without morals. Things had to change or i was going ot end up in a really bad way.
Self correction for the most part, analysing and putting effort in. It's got a lot more focused and powerful in the last year or so. i know its a massive cliché but since i started reading into religion and spirituality i have found a great openness for love and compassion. Giving ot others is perhaps the best feeling in the world. Helping someone to lead a good life and try and guide away from the mistakes i certainly made and to hold a balanced view.
I give a lot but i also need to be given a lot. I need my friends and family to back me up, to believe in me and to hold me dear. i want nothing physical from you, i just want to feel our kinship. i cradle each friendship like a newborn and i put all my love and care into a friendship. if i tell you i love you, i mean it. i love you with all my heart, your flaws are merely part of you and i accept that.
Errrmmm.....i fill my days on facebook, playing games and editing stuff and making things. i want ot do more 'real' activities. I LOVE painting but just cannot afford paints and canvasses.
My graphics work is very varied but its all from my head and it seems to get a good response. again feeding my ego.

I really need to stop feeling the need for approval from everyone. As much as i am comfortable with myself i am constantly seeking approval for my actions. Think this stems from childhood.

I am a little bit awkward, a little bit odd and a lot of confusion!

I worry. full stop. i like to make lists, i can make a list of lists you know! i have a bit of OCD like i have ot wash my glass out 3 times before ill drink from it, cig upside down in the packet....in some ways its irritating but at the same time it really is good for me and others!

Sometimes i literally feel useless like i am wasting air by breathing. I realise this is not a good thing.

Right, i am going to say something now which i even think is a bit odd.

I am highly critical of my own behaviour and feelings. i analyse pretty much everything. It feels like i have 2 brains, the mad loony one, who wants to be naughty and dirty. then there is a meta brain, who controls the loony one and corrects behaviour and tries to calm me down. it is completely aware that i am a dick and i do dickhead type things. example: i cry, i then stop crying cause meta brain is rationally looking at it all and working it out but the naughty brain acts up and does something stupid or cocks it up. i know my faults and i am my biggest judge, but i am sorry they are pretty stable and i would rather not upset my apple cart.
Finely thinking of your behaviour starts doing strange things in your brain. i think i am schizophrenic but i don't know what its like to be that way....so how do i know?

ohhhhhh there is so much you need to know but so little finger time!

yeah, thats a bit about me xx