Depression

This is one that will run and run into the fucking far distance!

Depression is a strange little egg of problem.

I've suffered from depression they think from my early teens, i finally got prescribed prozac at 18 and since then I've become drugged up to the eyeballs with different medication.

Dealing with me is difficult, imagine a ball of fluff you want to cuddle but as you go for the embrace it can be a bit prickly and uncomfortable, well that's me.
Being my friend, you know a real one not a online one. is a bit strange. i am completely transparent and open about EVERYTHING. i will tell you information which perhaps i shouldn't, make inappropriate comments, take you to a side of a life you are a little scared of but intrigued at the same time.
I perceive myself as a good friend, someone you can trust and love. I give a lot to my friends, they make me smile. If your my friend take this as red, i am your friend because you make me smile like a child in a sweet shop!
I am easily excitable, confused and dopey!
I suffer from rapidly cycling bi-polar depression and a borderline personality disorder. The depression is a big bugger. I constantly seem to fighting off bad moods and despair. i manage to get out of the way of it most of the time but sometimes its like a full storm of emotions and it hits me in the chest like a strike of lightening. I won't lie, i do do silly things, cutting myself a bit, suicide attempts happen 2-3 times a year and at the time that's what i want. I wish for it all to end, i literally can't compute anything any more, a blank a wall of void comes and well the only way of escape is death.
I think about it a lot, different ways of dying, being killed or hurting. preoccupation of death is rife and i have some very dark thoughts.
I have been hurt by lots of different people. i've been attacked from all sides. Even my family have got sick of me and pretty much wash their hands of me on regular basis. My sister (Charlie) does support me, she may not agree with some of the stuff i do and say but she will always have my back. Despite us both having a bit of a rough time as kids and fighting like 2 brawlers at a gypsy fight. She realised my mum was being wrong and hurting me intentionally a long time ago and i think she feels a bit guilty for not being able to protect me. I feel guilty for not protecting her enough. some bad shit has happened and some of it i could have stopped. Most of the time i was either stopped or was oblivious of anything happening.

Life has always been a bit shit, the earliest memory i really have is of my mum smacking me for not being able ot tie my shoelaces at 2 years old! yeah the problems started early.
I was never good enough for my family, with my cousin who is the same age as me always getting the praise at exams and acheivements. The best example of this is on my GCSE results day, me and my cousin both went to the school, he got near enough straight A's while i had a mix from A-C. We went ot my nan's house for a celebration and my grandad made a speech and complete disregarded me, like i didnt exisit. that has stuck in my head for all this time, unable to comprehend why or how someone could completely forget me.

I stick in peoples heads. I seem to be massively remembered. why i don't really know but i have some very old friends who I've not seen in years but we still talk and stuff. My mum had someone go to her house after 7 years of not seeing them looking for me!! how mad is that!
i suppose it's a good trait, if i am remembered in a good way. forget my tantrums please! i am a fiesty bugger and i am proper sorry for that but if you want the soft, squidgy mother hen you have to have the confused bundle of feelings.

Please ask me some questions so i can answer them, you can ask me absolutely anything.

xxx