trying not to make it too long between posts, trying to keep some sort of order in my head.
In all honesty I've not had a great week :( i had a falling out with a friend over something stupid and really wasn't worth it. ive had toothache on BOTH sides of my lower jaw so food has been hard to consume and drinking wasn't much better. I feel like i have neglected my spiritual side somewhat recently and need to correct that. i feel a failure at life in general, its dale's birthday and i cant even afford to get him a £10 game :( so i feel a cunt. I feel like my family are drifting further and further away. ive not spoken to my mum since my grandad's funeral, don't know why, just scared she's going to shout or have a go and i really really don't want to fight any more.
I feel desolate. void of real emotion. i cry a lot, just on my own. i did it a week or so ago at a friend's house, just burst into tears. I am also becoming less and less social. I have had problems with 'outside' for a while but recently it has taken on a completely new role. I constantly think about the car crashing and I'm going to die, i fill with anxiety from the min my seatbelt clicks in and doesn't really ease until i am at a safe destination, back home or a friends house. I know it's becoming a problem, i don't know how to stop it but if i was a flower my petals are truly grey and limp.....
Ah the fucking toothache. I am now sporting a inch long gap on my lower left, leaving me with 1 molar at the back and nothing till my incisors at the front, nothing, a massive fucking gap. i have the teeth of a tramp. I might well get a denture as i can see it already being a problem eating wise, ive got no bit on one side, the molar left on the back has no tooth matching it on top, that too was removed. At least i wont have toothache any more but then again i will have no teeth pretty soon.
its a big thing for me, its the past catching up with the present, yet another way of knowing i broke my body and it doesn't fit back together again, like a vase you broke and your missing just tiny slithers but it makes it incomplete a jumbled handful of pieces.
im worried people will notice, i am worried that the rest of my teeth will follow, will i dribble more? ive already noticed my bite is literally non-existence on the left now, i will eat like a mouse for now on. if i didn't already have problems with eating in front of people....
I need to say sorry to someone....Krishna, my lord i am sorry for not giving you the love and care expected from me of late and i hope to be forgiven by you, my gracious Krishna. I have felt empty the last few weeks where my attentions have been focused elsewhere. I need to bathe in your golden light, your rose petalled scent surrounding me. My Lord i live to serve others and share your light with them.
Hare Krishna!
I feel of late i am being criticised about the fact i do not work but have the opportunity too. I ALWAYS looked at photography as my expression and interaction with the world. A little bit of me is in every photo. I can't do weddings, christenings etc. Why? well you may well ask and i will give you my answer....I do not do them as i find the subject's utterly depressing, i hate family occasions, just reminds me of how shit my family life is, reminds me ill never have a child to christen and most of all, yes most of all...i will be selling my artistic soul to a media devil. I LOVE photography, i literally see a photo constantly, ever changing, shifting shadows, a prop constantly learning and adopting new practices. I really don't want to do pretty photos, I'll do them for friends and family but outsiders no ta! i can tell my niece's and nephew to move, smile shut up etc. this façade of niceness is shit and i WILL NOT succumb to it. I would rather eat fuck all than give up the only thing i dream of for such a small compensation of my artistic soul leaving me. Same reason as a graphic designer i won't work for media pigs, i don't want my name associated with any of this world and its sheep like existence. Forget it, i'd rather be recognised for something i adore than something i do to fill my pockets.
plus i don't know if you've noticed im not great with the public, the sort of public that do glossy pretty princess shite weddings all with soft glow and white vignette, those people are my arch enemies, the sort ot look down their noses at me, middle class cunts. i do not wish to be slave girl to a bunch of cunts. tbh that's about the long and short of it.
I've got a wordpress blog thing going on at the moment, its for my fetish work, once its all up and live I'll post more!
Shoot next Thursday with chez & Kayleigh...prolly Maya too. going for the ultra sissy type thing, perhaps a bit of boob if i can get away with it lol
Right so yeah, posted some strong shit there....mind's a whirring tonight.....
oh and i nearly forgot i might have something called dissociative identity disorder, explains my multiple personalities and all that shizzle....here's a link D.I.D
So not all plain sailing at the moment, my head is a jumble sale.
Night Night xxx
p.s down to 12 richmond lights a day plus perhaps 10 single skin joints. not bad...xx
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