you got to have faith.....

Alright,

sorry not been here in a while, not had much to report on just usual shit...money, no weed, bad moods etc etc a few goals have been set and some improvements to be made....

To start off, i went to see the psychiatrist, he has upped my duloxetine to 180mg and escitalopram to 20mg. We are going to see if it makes an improvement....i’m hoping that it does, i’m sick of being depressed. I’m still take 200mg lamotragine and 1mg of trifluperazine and have been told i m allowed a months supply of zopiclone instead of the 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off. If no marked improvement then he will see me again and we will try something else, he also wanted me to see psychotherapy before he decided if i needed additional drugs for my weird meta brain thing.....it needs to get a proper diagnosis before he feels he can treat it.
So things are hopefully going to get better with the increase, they also increased dale’s....his mood really needs improving...its getting ridiculous.

Everyone keeps going on about ‘its been shit this year, 2011 will be different’, now i’m not usually so pessimistic but i’ve thought that for the last 10 years of my life and its not got any better, there have been years when the shit stream doesn’t run full pelt but every year is a drag and shit happens. Nothing is going to change unless you make the change.

2011, however i hope will be significant in my life choices.

we start the year off with a banding appointment in sunderland on the 11th, this is hopefully when i will be told i can have a operation date, fingers crossed. Then it will be preparing for that MASSIVE life change. it wont be just physical that will change but my whole perspective will eventually be changed. i wont have the fat person who holds all the misery about myself will be going. I will be free of the worry of death due to fatness and i will be able to exercise and be normal!

I have decided also that by the end of 2011 i will be completely addiction free, apart from my prescribed meds. I have already not just cut in half but reduced to 5 tailor mades a day and 10 single skin joints! i was smoking 20 - 30 tailor mades a day plus the 10 joints!!! thats a massive cut down and im also on kingsize lights and was smoking full fat superkings!
I will have given up caffeine or at least reduced it. my tea intake has increased massively since giving up fags lol
I will make an effort to smoke less weed, i don’t know about cutting it out completely but will be switching to a pipe when i give up tobacco completely.
i want to stop taking drugs to ‘escape’. I want to be able to do something constructive and that will equally please me.....this may take some time.....i love drugs and how they make me feel but alas im getting old and i think a switch to being completely teetotal MAY be the way to go....don’t hold me on that though ;)
I will be visiting temple at least once a month, if anyone in the area is interested in coming with me, seriously....then please get in contact.
i will be COMPLETELY VEGETARIAN. I would say i am now but i love chicken.....only thing i do eat and very rarely. Buddha ate meat but only if the animal had not been slaughtered for just his meal.
i will make more enquiries about going to india and staying in a ashram, again if anyone is interested in this also please let me know as i would love to go with a friend.
to be more productive spiritually, taking my path a bit more seriously. I have decided i will have 2 meditation breaks a day for half hour at a time, one silent or with guided meditations and the 2nd will be chanting. This i think will help clear my mind and keep myself centred.

So much to do! I make no promises but i will try, all i can do is try.

i’m a bit up and down at the moment. Keep wanting to cry. I feel very isolated and alone. I wish people would come visit me :( no one bothers ever......suppose my fault for not having local friends...everyone’s at least 20 miles away....

I feel like i am trapped by not my own depression but Dale’s. His depression seems to get worse all the time. Nothing i do makes him smile, nothing i can possibly offer can help....i’ve run out of options. I am quite literally at my wits end. I want him to be happy, perhaps being happy would mean without me but he says not.....i feel like not only is he pushing me away but because of him i am pushing my friends away. I make excuses so we don’t mix with people, theres few friends he actually wants to be around, 3 people out of all our friends, sorry MY friends. He’s a massive knobhead and thinks that his choices don’t effect my life but they do dramatically. I don’t trust him to be alone, he’s a self harmer and also there has been an ‘incident’ a while ago that led to me being very disappointed and upset. So going alone isn’t really an option most of the time. So to please him, i don’t get to see anyone. when a trip to Penrith turns into a tenner fuel its a huge expense to go out.

ohhhhhh ffs, i didn’t want this to turn into a rant about him.....

Right well, there’s an update, hope it made a little sense!

Happy New Year! xx